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Some people were born on third base and thought they hit a triple. Other people, who thought they hit a triple, were born on first base. Consider how you got here in life.
The last thing you want to do is get a job. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty because you are right in your actions to not want to go to work - it sucks.
Nothing says "thank you for sacrificing your hopes and dreams" like a mass-produced basket that's 80% tissue paper filling. It's what your mom would have wanted. She always puts you first!
If I got eaten, nobody would be sour on me anymore. They’d use words like “valiant” to describe my life and valiant death.
I don't see why we can’t continue to to do sex even though I’ve terminated our Facebook friendship. After all, it’s called "friends with benefits," not "Facebook friends with benefits."
Dear Broadway.com, sorry to bother you, but I’ve got a serious problem. Every time I Google the phrase “Wicked dubstep” I just get a bunch of awesome dubstep songs.
Be aware of how your stresses don’t matter, because your job doesn’t matter, and neither do you. Let this knowledge relax you.
Did I hear her correctly? There's no way she just asked me if I have condoms on a first Tinder date, right? Could it possibly be going this well?
What you never learned is that you're a replaceable peon, your career means nothing, your marriage will fail, and nobody loves you. Don't worry though, you were a mistake to begin with.
First they came for the handicap spaces. Then they came for the compact car spaces. Then they came for the entire parking lot and I had nowhere left to park.
Get lots of bad press for golf, bad, but you’d spend most of your time golfing too if you were trying to distract yourself from everyone’s problems.
The company manual has everything from an optimistic “Career Progression” to shrug-worthy “Credit Card, Corporate” but nothinganything under “Coffee Machine, Operating Safely.”