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I’m disappointed in myself for not finishing Dry January (and for raiding Tortuga), but now I have new friends and I learned how to load a powder keg.
Authorities surveying the emotional carnage claimed they had never before seen such an outpouring of weaponized kindness and aggressive friendship.
If you don’t keep the dead dogs in the freezer, Doctor Snuggles will devour all the dogs in one sitting. He's a huge pig. Aren’t you my little pig?
At that point, I had covered my guns in concrete. I didn’t want them. But the game pulled me back and I ended up killing about a thousand more dudes.
Every snowstorm, I was out in my front yard. That is your duty as a child in America. These snowflakes need to buck up and make a fucking snowman.
@fuckjerry even went back to my high school, played "Riff" in "West Side Story," and used all my ad libs just to twist the knife.
Now, believe me, no one respects #MeToo more than Good Ol’ Michael-Joe Moderate. I respect it so much that I’ll say it’s gone too far.
Breakfast is key. I’m thinking an egg white omelette, a couple slices of toast with peanut butter—wait where did you find a Gogurt?
How is communicating in sign language, walking on sand trails, or keeping your children in soundproof rooms, really that different from recycling?
It’s made to sound like I would rather keep my time machine than kill Hitler, but it’s not a question of choosing between the two.
I wish there were “other solutions.” But heavy drinking’s already been taken as a solution to politics.
Now that you’ve sufficiently tortured your sweet angel for the past hour, make him watch as you make your own macaroni artwork.