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It's truly killing me that our family's goals for next year don't seem to include your position and your services will no longer be needed here.
I always dreamed of big things, like covering a knife cut on Mark Bittman’s finger, or a scrape on Usain Bolt’s leg, or being forgotten in Beyonce’s purse.
This guide is not for the kids whose parents are still friends and kiss on the cheek every time they see each other. Those kids can go to hell.
30 minutes in, dad dug his guitar out of the closet and then openly wept when he realized he had forgotten the chords to even the simplest song.
Starting to feel claustrophobic? Great! That’s precisely how you should feel as you fake deliberate the fate of a human being.
My parents whisked me into showbiz after the nursery rhyme was published. Birthday candles, campfires, firecrackers... I jumped over it all.
It is your blueberry Pop-Tarts that are killing the porpoises. Not your neighbor’s Pop-Tarts or that guy in Idaho’s Pop-Tarts.
Have you found yourself in a position where your grand scheme will allow you to not only kidnap the governor’s daughter, but his wife as well?
It had been about three weeks of increasingly nasty slip-ups but perhaps now the jig was finally up.
Would you watch a show about a sex columnist in Pocatello? Without me as the backdrop, it’s just white women complaining.
Now, instead of giving off the "vibes" of a Hallmark movie, I'm basically just a glorified lasso wrapped around your windowsill.
Q: Do members have to kill to show how committed they are? A: Our initiation ritual is to show everyone in the gang your Internet search history.