Episode 2 of 3

Written by Chris King
Produced by Court Sullivan

<< Continued from Episode 1

The Leaning Tower of 18th A

Anyone who ever saw 846 from a distance could notice that the whole house appeared to be sinking into the ground diagonally. It kind of looked like the Leaning Tower of Pisa only a lot shittier. As you walked into the house it became even more apparent—the floors were actually slanted and the foundation was sinking more and more into the ground with each passing month. If you dropped a marble in the kitchen, chances are it would roll from one side of the kitchen to the other unaided, kind of like one of those broken, old-school labyrinths.

The Neapolitan House

When people wanted directions to the house I would always tell them to look for the Neapolitan house. That's because the outside of the house was wrapped in really cheap fake brick that was nothing more than really thick sandpaper. The fake bricks came in three alternating colors: pink, brown, and white. Or flavors: strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla depending on who you asked (i.e. the bums).

One evening after a study session at the library, I came back to the house and was watching some late night TV and drinking a gin and tonic. Out of the corner of my eye I saw what appeared to be a huge rat run out of our kitchen and under a couch near me. I acted quickly and did what most in that situation would do: screamed like a 12-year-old girl at the top of my lungs, jumped on top of the coffee table and proceeded to do a little dance.

My roommates came downstairs and began laughing hysterically, until they saw a huge rat hanging out in our house, at which point there was a dance party on the coffee table. The next few weeks we chased the rats around with a BB gun but were unsuccessful killing any. This is because, as we soon found out, they had dug an extensive set of tunnels and escape routes throughout the house. It was kind of scary at first, but then it was cool. I mean, hey, we had pets. We'd give them names, make them little outfits and party hats and leave them snacks on the coffee table. That is, until 3 or 4 months later when the landlord finally called an exterminator.

The Peanut Butter Boobs

During a keg party at our house one Saturday last October, an unidentified person went into our cupboard and took out a jar of peanut butter and drew a pair of, “peanut butter boobs” on our wall. I woke up the next morning hungover as hell to see my roommate staring at a pair of freshly drawn breasts painted on our white walls in peanut butter. Most people would clean them off the wall—we just laughed. I was just at 846 last weekend, more than a year later, and they are still prominently displayed, permanently dried to the wall. Most people would call that very gross. We called it abstract party art.

Beer and Flouring

After inflicting considerably excessive damage upon our house during parties, we decided it was time to punish anyone caught acting inappropriately. We sat down and brainstormed different forms of punishment and invented the act of Beer and Flouring. Similar to the medieval act of Tar and Feathering, we choose to inflict this on people who were fucking with our treasured house.

Fast forward to a party a couple months later. We find a freshman pissing on the floor in the corner of our kitchen. Immediately he was forcibly removed from the house and held down as he was drenched with three pitchers of beer and then thoroughly covered in about a pound of flour. Needless to say once the word got around about our policy, people stopped fucking around at our house.

Continue to Episode 3 of 3 »

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