Noah from the Bible would like to apologize for bringing the following species on the Ark:

Chlamydia: “I maybe should have drawn a line on bacteria, viruses, and diseases, but God wasn’t in a very conciliatory mood at the time. The Big Guy really used to rage. And the Ark’s storage technology wasn’t very good, so I had to incubate these nasty diseases myself, if you know what I mean. I had to eat some nasty, disgusting things to ingest all the parasites, and had to make some weekend trips to Sodom and Gomorrah for the venereal diseases. I did some things I am not proud of. And, let me tell you, living 950 years sounds nice, but it isn’t so great when it burns every time you pee.”

Pandas: “I always thought pandas were a pretty useless species. They're big, dumb, only eat one kind of plant, and are bad at reproducing. You think getting the pandas to bang and procreate is hard now in 2021 with your videotaped panda porn and giant breeding centers, just imagine what it was like when I only had two of them. The artificial insemination when the Ark finally landed wasn’t so artificial, if you catch my drift.”

Australia’s Eastern brown snake: “Not only is this snake awful and deadly, I had to wait forever for it to slink over from Australia. In hindsight, having just one boat for all of the species on Earth was very impractical. The only good thing about waiting for all the far-flung animals to make their ten thousand mile journeys was it gave me time to figure out how to build the Ark. I was a farmer, and knew literally nothing about boats. Fortunately, my motto is ‘Fake it till you make it.’ Unfortunately, the only way to get humanity going again when we landed involved a lot of incest.”

Toxoplasma gondii: “This is that single-celled parasite that reproduces exclusively in outside cats, and causes toxoplasmosis and eventual neurological disorders in humans. Long story short, it reproduces in cats and gets passed through feces and can be picked up by just about any other mammal, but particularly thrives in mice and rats, for which the parasite gets in their brains and makes them sexually aroused by the smell of cats so they run up to feral cats and get eaten to continue on the toxoplasma life cycle. Roughly a third of the world has it. God told me Toxoplasma gondii is His most carefully and intelligently designed organism on Earth so I had to be very careful preserving it, but maybe I shouldn’t have.”

Termites: “I appreciate the role termites play in nature, but I’m a little embarrassed to say that their reproduction aboard the ark got a little out of control and they ate a hole through the side. God made me sign a nondisclosure agreement, but let’s just say a few interesting species got out and drowned and were lost forever. Oops.”

Crocodiles, scorpions, sharks, box jellyfish, brown recluse spiders, hyenas, tigers, and lions: “Don’t even get me started. God really should have saved some of His life-creating for His New Testament days. He was in a pretty dark place for most of the Old Testament era, and it kind of shows. Wouldn’t it be nice to have more species want to cuddle us humans rather than inject us with toxins or eat us alive?”

Fossils: “Not living organisms, of course, but God insisted I bring along a giant mountain of bones to throw over the side of the Ark every few miles so someday they’d be dug up and fool the atheists. It seemed a little superfluous, but it’s a part of the Master Plan I suppose.”


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