Dear Roger Goodell,
Greetings, comrade! I am Stanislav Petrov, editor of the highly esteemed Bolshevik Brunch pamphlet (attached for your reading pleasure).
As our world emerges from the dark age of capitalism into the glistening light of socialism, I often wonder where your National Football League stands? If you continue your barbarous capitalist practices we can offer no mercy.
However, we can guide you towards socialism's crimson salvation. For with only a few minor changes you can eradicate the tarnish of capitalism from your nefarious corporation/league/monopoly and jump-start The Revolution!
#1 – The "I-Formation"
We socialists all love the I-Formation offense, especially when it's paired with a versatile running back and a competent blocking fullback.
But can you call it the "We Formation"?
This would prepare the general public for the universal loss of individuality in a socialist world.
#2 – More Footballs!
When only one player has a football the viewer might conclude that .045%, and not 100%, have power!
Sure, 22 footballs will necessitate changing the scoring system and probably the entire game. But no sacrifice must be made to help return socialism to power!
I, WE, believe in you!
#3 – Statistics
When the multi-faceted wunderkind Calvin Johnson scores a touchdown, the stat sheet should read, "Proletariat caught 35-yard pass from Proletariat, resulting in a TOUCHDOWN for the Proletariat!"
#4 – Every Team Wins the Super Bowl Every Year
A neat way to educate our little worker bees about the equality of mankind!
Certainly, this might cause a gentle decline in sponsorship. But what is money, if not a carrot the bourgeoisie dangle before the proletariat, caged like so many cute, ignorant rabbits?
#5 – Let the Cleveland Browns Win Already
If the downtrodden Browns cannot win a Super Bowl, where will the proletariat find the courage to sacrifice their lives (by the millions, we estimate) in The Revolution?
#6 – Shoot the Referees!
Under socialism the proletariat will not answer to the iron will of judges! Instead, citizens will govern themselves!
Therefore, if multi-faceted wunderkind Calvin Johnson thinks there was pass interference, he can convene a proletariat court right on the 35 yard line! Then let the rabid, unbiased fanbases decide!
SOCIALISM IN ACTION!
#7 – Let ‘Em Hit the Quarterback Again!
This isn't fútbol! This is FOOTBALL!
Furthermore, the players must be toughened up. They will be in the first wave to assault the Pentagon for the April 15th revolution.
Are you busy then?
#8 – Economic Considerations (completely optional)
Consider a more egalitarian salary system where all players are paid the same and the extra money does not solely benefit the wealthy owners. Instead, dole out surplus profits to the starving people of the nation who need it most.
And try your darndest to steer away from base corporate sponsorships such as "Levi Jeans, the Official Jeans of the National Football League." They are embarrassing, trite, and uncomfortable.
See? A few simple modifications here and there and the NFL could be the Proletariats Working Together to Collectively Increase Comradeship League!
Consider this list or find yourself on the wrong edge of the socialist scythe which shall viciously trim off the gluttonous fat of corporate greed!
P.S. Should I start Matt Ryan or Tom Brady this week in fantasy? Brady is playing the porous Bears defense, but I think Matty Ice is due for a big one. Oh this would be so much simpler with our rules!