Freelancers and Typewriters
If you put a group of freelance writers in a coffee shop with infinite battery life for an infinite amount of time, will one of them inevitably type out an email they’ve been meaning to send for four months? Will the rest write variations of the same pilot, described as “Uber but for Friends?”
The Impossible Advocate
A woman will speak up for anyone in the office who does not speak up for themselves, but will not speak up for anyone who does speak up for themselves. So, does she speak up for herself? The answer is no, because that would seem kind of bossy, right? Like maybe a little too demanding? Yeah. Probably better to just wait it out until her boss dies.
If An App Fails…
If the Iowa caucus app fails and no one’s around to fix it, does that mean Buttigieg pretty much won? Also, if you faceplant on the sidewalk and a group of teens sees it, is it possible to ever regain your self-respect? Purely theoretical.
Based on the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics, if you refuse to look at your bank balance, you are simultaneously broke and rich. And if you refuse to check the temperature outside, global warming is simultaneously real and a hoax. And if they never unmask the Masked Singer, at least it isn't Sarah Palin. On second thought, this is starting to seem like an argument in favor of never doing anything. And that’s exactly what it is!
Trolley Problem with a Bullet Train
There are five innocent people on one side of the train traAAAAAAAHHHHH! OH GOD! OH NO! THAT HAPPENED SO FAST!!!!
Gwyneth and Kavka’s Toxin Problem
Gwyneth Paltrow presents you with a green juice. She will pay you one million dollars right now if you intend to drink the juice. You don’t have to actually drink it, just intend to do so. Can you intend to drink the juice if you know you won’t drink it after receiving the money? More importantly, will Gwyneth stab you if you don’t? She kind of has that dark energy, and she’ll probably take your refusal personally. Maybe you can get back in her good graces by clenching hard enough to create a pearl? Honestly, I have no idea about this one.
Donald Davidson is hiking in a swamp on a mindfulness retreat—just “getting off the grid,” you know?—when he is struck by lightning and killed. At the same time, a bolt hits a nearby swamp, rearranging molecules to create an exact replica of Davidson. This “Swampman Davidson“ then crosses the train trac—AHH! NOT SWAMPMAN DAVIDSON, TOO! WHERE DID THAT BULLET TRAIN COME FROM????