By contributing writer J.M. Lucci

Sex. By nature, it is a violent series of blows and sucks and nut-slams that culminate in at least one person’s satisfaction. Therefore, making the correlation between sex and war is easy, especially for men. Men set goals going into the battlefield of sexual exploration. Our objectives could be as simple as climaxing and then running out the door, or as complex as attempting reverse-cowgirl anal without lubrication. Different strokes, as they say.

Men are driven by conquest, and have systematically broken down “the game” to seduce and sex-up the ladies over the many millennia. And why? Because that’s how men operate; warriors driven to conquer new territory and earn the respect of their peers.

Let’s dive into what could happen if our inner (male) thought process played out like a grand campaign, set using WWII themes and fictitious actors representing certain trains of thought we (men) have during the entire sexual experience, from inception to ejaculation.

2100 Hours
Tyrone’s Forward Field Headquarters, Fraternity Party Territory

I did it all for the nookie! C'mon, the nookie!

Colonel Ganglion: Captain Phallus, let me first congratulate you and your men on a superb victory during Operation Dorothy Deepthroat last week. Without your unbending nerves of steel, we’d have never conquered Tonsil Pass.

Captain Phallus: Thank you, sir. It was certainly a risk pushing that far into enemy territory, but it definitely paid off.

Col. Ganglion: Lemme get right to the point, as time is of the essence. Top Brass wants your unit included as part of a large-scale offensive, codenamed “Virgin Island.” The overall campaign is an all-fronts assault, with our main objective being the destruction of the “Virgin Cherry” relic from the Jennifer Nation. With it out of the way, Brass believes we’ll finally get long-deserved recognition from our allies and build our reputation within the female sphere of influence.

Capt. Phallus: I’ve been reading field reports on the Jennies. They’re extremely prudish and proud on the outside, but rumor has it their Commander is a total nymphomaniac and may be willing to come over to our side.

Col. Ganglion: Which is why we need to destroy that Cherry, Captain. It represents a dying ideology and for that it must be quashed. Virgin Island isn’t going to be a walk in the park, but Brass is certain their wonks have cooked up a fool-proof strategy.

Capt. Phallus: They said that about the Crabs Invasion back in ’02. I lost good men in that war.

Col. Ganglion: We all did, Captain. Regardless, your orders are to lead a company of 50 million troops into the core of Jenny territory where the Cherry is being held: Sunset Valley.

Capt. Phallus: You can’t be serious. That place is a dark, fiery gorge surrounded by an impassable jungle! Jenny won’t give an inch of turf if we attempt a breakout maneuver.

Col. Ganglion: Not to worry. We’re planning on sending Major Handy and his commandos into the gorge just before your insertion. Their job involves the destruction of a series of water gates near Hymen’s Point, which should give your boys the window they need to secure a temporary beachhead. In addition, diversionary forces to the north should force Jenny commanders to split their attention between our two armies and buy you enough time to race in, destroy the Cherry, and get the hell out before they can recuperate. I’ll pass along the official dossier to your second, Lieutenant Leif Nut. We have less than three hours before H-Hour, so get ready. Dismissed, Captain.

2355 Hours
Tyrone’s Diversionary Forces, Base of Ridge #34C, Jenny Territory

Pvt. Baker: Incoming Rejections! Take cover!

Pvt. Able: Sarge! We’re taking heavy Insult fire from Jerry, I mean Jenny! What do we do? Command says we have to claim both hills before the party’s done!

Sarge: Able, calm down, goddammit! Baker, Charlie, lay down a base of Complimenting fire on that line! Able, you take point and clear out that pillbox of Inhibitions with some tequila shots!

Pvt. Able: Yessir!

Pvt. Baker: I got one, I got one!

Sarge: Pour it on! I want more Charisma fire on that left line!

Pvt. Able: Pillbox secure! That last tequila shot really hit home!

Sarge: Keep moving up the hill! The Inhibitions may be out of commission, but those Rejections are still raining down! Squad, flank left! Silence the Rejection artillery!

Pvt. Charlie: Baker, look out!

Sarge: Dammit, Baker’s been hit. Able, get his “Eyes like Stars” launcher and line up a shot on that Rejection flak gun!

Pvt. Able: Locked on target!

Sarge: Let ‘em have it!

00017 Hours
Phallus’ Company Headquarters, Outskirts of Jenny Territory

Capt. Phallus: Listen up, men. This is strictly a raiding op, so no showboating or fancy maneuvers. As soon as we get confirmation from Handy, we’re diving headfirst into Sunset Valley and make a concerted push for the Virgin Cherry. We’re in and out in less than five minutes.

Corporal Meiosis: Sunset Valley? Frankly sir, that’s suicide.

Capt. Phallus: We have our orders, Corporal. Besides, we’ll be using latex shielding over our landing boat. We should be safe from any of the heavier cannons the Jennies have embedded in the valley’s nooks and crannies.

Lt. Leif Nut: What about the actual passage? Topographical reports indicate narrow straits all the way in. Will we be able to fit?

Capt. Phallus: Well, we have some dated recon photos that indicate a tight squeeze, but all things considered, if Handy blows those water gates, we’ll slide right in. Load up on ammo and frags and be ready for Handy’s confirmation. Dismissed.

0037 Hours
Summit of Ridge #34C, Jenny Territory

Pvt. Charlie: We did it! We claimed Ridge #34C!

Sarge: Stow the celebrations, Private. Looks like we have company.

Pvt. Able: Oh God, it’s the Cindys!

Sarge: Into those foxholes, now! Charlie, call for air support! We need the Wingmen!

Pvt. Charlie: Which one?

Sarge: All of them! If Cindy gets her Cockblocking mortars zeroed-in on us, this whole operation is done for!

0125 Hours
Sunset Valley Entrance, Jenny Territory

Cpl. Meiosis: Sir, we just got confirmation that the diversionary forces to the north have successfully held Ridge #34C. They had a tough time defending against an uninvited Cindy cockblocking maneuver, but luckily Wingmen George and Wallace were there to push her back.

Capt. Phallus: Excellent news. That means Handy and his men have already started their part of the operation. Now we wait for his signal.

0135 Hours
Phallus’ Forward Guard, Sunset Valley, Jenny Territory

Lt. Leif Nut: Sir, the latex shielding, it’s been breached by Jenny artillery!

Capt. Phallus: That’s impossible! That shielding was brand new! I’m not leaving empty-handed! All units, deploy immediately for ground combat. We will spill out into Sunset Valley and show those bitches who’s boss!

Cpl. Meiosis: Captain! One of our squads at the front reports the Cherry’s been destroyed! That last push broke through Jenny lines and absolutely leveled the relic.

Capt. Phallus: What?! Then… oh God. Call everyone back! Now!

Lt. Leif Nut: It’s too late, the order’s already gone out! It’s a bloodbath out there, sir! Millions are dying by the minute!

Capt. Phallus: Pull them out! We gotta’ fall back or Jenny will be all over us!

Lt. Leif Nut: All those brave soldiers…

24 Days Later, 0900 Hours
Strategic Command Headquarters, Tyrone Territory

Capt. Phallus: You wanted to see me, sir?

Col. Ganglion: Yes, take a seat, Captain. This came in the mail today, among other things. Do you recognize it?

Capt. Phallus: A pregnancy test? From who?

Col. Ganglion: Look harder.

Capt. Phallus: That’s uh, that’s not the good color.

Col. Ganglion: I know. Apparently one of our boys was captured in that last campaign against the Jennies. They were able to beat some information out of the poor lad. Namely, who sanctioned the raid.

Capt. Phallus: This means war, doesn’t it?

Col. Ganglion: A very, very messy war.