The Cuddles Institute for Pathetic Psychology is pleased to announce a new weekend program designed to eradicate procrastination once and for all!

Having a hard time getting yourself to do those things you keep putting off? Come to Cuddles! Here at Cuddles, we understand motivation. We know that the best incentive to do the thing you don’t want to do, is to have to face something you don’t want to do even more! And we promise that your adverse reactions to negative consequences will be so traumatizing, you’ll never procrastinate again.

We guarantee it!

All fees must be paid up-front in cash and are non-refundable.

Workshops are targeted to specific challenges. Sign up for as many as you want!

Here’s a small sampling of what awaits you at Cuddles.

1. The Reluctant Housecleaner – Saturday at 9 a.m.

If you’re like us, we bet you can’t stand housecleaning. Are we right? Of course, we are! But you know you’ve got a problem when a green sulfurous cloud fills your entire living space. Hey, what’s that growling sound coming from your bathroom? You don’t even have pets! It must be time to clean.

We provide a simulated apartment, complete with worms in the carpet, crunchy muck on the stove, and mushrooms growing out of shower tile. Does it look like home? Absolutely! But here’s the best part: if you don’t have this place spick-and-span in a couple of hours, you’ll have to meet Mr. Cuddles!

That’s right! If you don’t leave that apartment sparkling, then Mr. Cuddles himself will make a private appearance. The two of you will spend at least five minutes alone together in a sealed vault located just below the main facilities of the Cuddles Institute.

Warning: Defibrillators will not be provided, and we disclaim all liability for any temporary or permanent injury to you, the informed consumer.

Don’t you already feel like making your kitchen floor shine?

2. The Lazy Artist – Saturday at 1 p.m.

Admit it, you keep putting off the commitment of time and resources required to show the world your artistry. Maybe you could be a cellist. Maybe you could do incredible things with ceramics! But who the heck’s going to know what lies within you if you spend every evening watching the Game Show Network?

We provide an artist’s studio, complete with oil paints, a grand piano, beads and string, and even a secretary to take dictation for that novel. You’ll have everything you need! But if you find that you just can’t be productive unless you “feel” like it – if you insist that a little something called a “muse” is required for creativity – then you’ll get to confer with Mr. Cuddles!

That’s right! Mr. Cuddles will help you tap your creative juices! You will be required to meet him in the darkened circus tent that adjoins our main facility. Lions, fire hoses, paddles, and ping pong balls will be provided.

Please note: The Cuddles Institute’s remote location means that an ambulance cannot reach us in less than half an hour.

Notarized special waivers are required of those who choose this class.

3. The Tardy Bill-Payer and Inadequate Self-Groomer – Sunday at 10 a.m.

Do you find yourself forgetting to pay all those pesky utility and credit card bills? Do you also forget to take showers, brush your teeth, and pluck that one bristly hair on your nose?

Become the best possible you: a person with excellent credit who smells like cinnamon apples! The Cuddles Institute will place you in a simulated home office amidst piles of bills that require meticulous record-keeping and check-signing. The thermostat will be set at a toasty 110 degrees, and you’ll be wearing a parka, snow jumper, and ski boots while you work. If you stay conscious and pay all the bills within 30 minutes, you can stagger into a cold shower and soap off that sweat.

Think you can handle it? Let’s hope so! Because if you can’t, then you’ll get to deep-shower with Mr. Cuddles! This very effective cleansing will occur in the part of the facility we slangily refer to as the “Skin-Peel Torture Chamber.” We promise that after getting groomed by Mr. Cuddles, you’ll never again even consider not doing exactly what you should, when you should, in the way you should, so help us, Cuddles.

Important: A non-disclosure agreement is required for those who sign up for this class. Divulging the details of Mr. Cuddles’ appearance, obsessions, or eating habits will subject you to lifelong forfeiture of any and all assets you may possess now and/or in the future. Violating the non-disclosure agreement will also result in the continual removal of your fingernails. And the one-time removal of your wisdom teeth. And your eyelashes. And your middle name, should you have one. And all proof of your existence.

The Institute disclaims any and all liability for any infections or other illnesses you may develop following the replacement of sections of your skin with washcloths.

Hey, all you procrastinators out there, like what you’ve heard so far? Of course, you do! So check off the most important item on your to-do list: attend the weekend at the Cuddles Institute for Pathetic Psychology that will change your life. We guarantee you’ll never put off anything ever again!

Because remember: you can’t procrastinate if you’re dead.