The Texas-sized mass of garbage slowly approaching California does indeed house over 8,000 refugees in the newly discovered central "city" amid the muck. The origin of the residents of Trashville is unknown at this point, but satellite imaging seems to indicate the Philippines (although—inextricably—there are also many North Koreans mingled with them).

The city itself has already elected a mayor and a city council, who are dealing with complaints regarding sewage treatment and electrical power outages. The city's generator has proven insufficient in providing service to resident DirecTV subscribers, who are also complaining about the quality of shows like The X Factor and Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Japanese tsunami garbage and debris floating in water
Local firefighters respond to a residential fire with buckets.

Mayor Pencho Sing talked to our own Ryback Solomon today via satellite phone, and what follows is the transcript of that conversation.

Ryback Solomon: Sir, can you understand me?

Pencho Sing: Oh yes, I learn English. I take correspondence course too.

RS: How did you get there, and what are your intentions?

PS: We shuttle by Russian sub. We pay captain two hundred yuan each, or half ounce gold in jewelry. We demand be American. We go to Kalifornia.

RS: How did you know the garbage was headed that way?

PS: I no understand question.

RS: What are you eating?

PS: We have many working refrigerator. Hungry Man dinner, McRib. We cook microwave.

RS: The Russians gave you the generator?

PS: Oh yes, they very kind. We told record all this for Soviet TV.

RS: This is simply amazing, sir. Can you tell us, who knew you were going to attempt this besides the Russians and DirecTV?

PS: Coke and cola. Ronald McDonald. We got much machine, many sign everywhere.

RS: And what are you expecting, when you reach shore?

PS: Three hots and cot. Just kid you. We want America dream. We want be famous and rich. We go America Got Talent. Howie love us.

RS: All eight thousand of you?

PS: We prepare many act. We drink much Coke. We money for no thing and chick for free.

RS: I see. And who cleans up all the mess?

PS: No understand question.

Well, there you have it, folks. Mr. Sing will be singing and dancing his way into your heart, soon… along with the 7,999 other residents of Trashville. Could be a hit, unless it's a miss… in which case they intend to declare the flotilla the 51st state and get delegates into Washington to work on pork barrel projects like a sanitation plant and a saltwater reclamation initiative. Already several dream team lawyers have offered their services on a percentage basis, and a campaign adviser hired on retainer. If the new state "Driftopia" is born from all this, we will be watching closely for any super delegates to emerge and tip Florida's razor-edged electoral college voting. Happy Halloween.

Tsunami trash includes cars, trucks and airplanes
Gridlock during rush hour on the wet, unmarked roads of Trashville.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.