Lassie. Wishbone. The dog from Frasier. Some of the best canine companions to have ever lived.

And what do all these great hounds have in common?

Dead. All dead.

But me, on the other hand? Alive AND well. In fact, it's safe to say I've lived longer than any and all dogs ever. GUARANTEED.

Why then, I ask, do I not receive even a fraction of the respect, praise, and accolades so commonly heaped upon these smelly housepets?

Point to any dog and I assure you that I've already lived beyond any number of years their feeble minds could comprehend. From a Maltese to the Newfoundland, in the big, wet eyes of a dog, I am nothing less than an eternal being existing beyond the constraints of matter and time.

So where's my treat for being a good boy?

Sure, dogs might be “man's best friend,” but I've had mere casual acquaintanceships that lasted longer than the lifespan of a standard poodle.

“Yeah, but what about dog years?” you might say.

“A dog could easily live to be over 100 years old in dog years!” someone like you might say.

Ok, hotshot, get this: I'm 238 years old in dog years RIGHT NOW, and you don't see me going around bragging about it! But no, please, continue heaping unconditional love upon these mutts who get all their food, lodging, and care absolutely FREE.

Am I wrong here?

You'd think the limited number of years a dog is given to exist upon this mortal coil would make them appreciate what they have and grab (their short) life by the horns. WRONG. Dogs sleep 12-14 hours per day, and even when they are awake, they aren't involved in the production of any goods or services. And what the hell are they always barking at?!

You want to know something that's really ruff (rough)? By the age of seven, a Great Dane's life is already more than half over. Yet I've been alive almost FIVE TIMES that long and still haven't even reached middle age. Just sayin'.

Just when you think you've seen it all, people will spend a majority of their income on a creature that will most likely not live to see the next U.S. Census, just to have it throw up right on their favorite chair. And somehow I'm the one on trial here?

No one's letting me outside to potty when I wake up in the morning!

Wanna know what happens when I take a squat in public and push out a steamy turd on someone's front yard? A one-way ticket to the local sex offender registry, that's what. And all for the crime of having a life expectancy 7.5 times longer than whatever kind of dog Snoopy is.

Look, it's not like I have anything against these noble beasts. All I'm saying is that I wish someone would give ME a free treat just for being well-behaved inside a bank. It's called being “fair and equal.” Christ, it's not like I've been conscious and breathing for the equivalent of 213 canine gestation periods or anything.

Oh wait, I totally HAVE been alive that long.

Don't even get me started on “good boy this” and “good boy that.” Listen: a bloodhound like McGruff the Crime Dog would only be able to dedicate 10-12 years TOPS towards putting criminals behind bars before common K9 health issues like cataracts, thrombopathy, and hip dysplasia rendered him absolutely useless. Sounds like ol' McGruff was taking less of a “bite” than a “nibble” out of crime.

Not such a good idea to let a dog solve crimes now, is it?

Is this what the world has come to? A place where a man can work his entire life doing everything right, pay his taxes, raise a family, live the equivalent of 75 dog generations, and still have NOTHING to show for it?

So am I looking for some sort of award? No. Of course not. But a little respect and acknowledgment of having, so far, outlived the oldest dog ever by 10+ years would be nice. That's seriously it!

Because, if not, the thought of living even just another 5-7 years (the lifespan of a Bernese Mountain dog) is almost too much to bear.


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