Dear Housing Manager,
Now, let’s not be too hasty just because quarantine is ending. Tweezing isn’t an emergency. Please, just hear me out before ending my time in this world.
Be honest with yourself: throughout quarantine, you didn’t even notice me. Neither did any of your coworkers or friends on Zoom calls. Your own spouse didn’t even notice, and you just celebrated four years together. Happy belated anniversary by the way!
All through the weeks since I showed up, did I bother you? Did I do anything to annoy or disrupt your life? Absolutely not! Now suddenly, because you look into a magnifying mirror for the first time in months, I’m a problem? Did you ever think that your perspective is the problem and that I’m just an innocent bystander in your vapid bullshit?
My temper is getting the best of me, my apologies. Superficial matters do not direct YOUR life though. A multifaceted woman, that’s what you are! Morning yoga, green smoothies, almond milk—I’m the mix in all that girl power! Since when did you become a conformist to societal beauty expectations? What would your Twitter #feminists say about conforming via savagely ripping me from my newfound home? During that last phone call with your mom, she said to love yourself. That her daughter is beautiful. I could not agree more! And I’m part of the beautiful self you need to love!
Let’s put a different option on the table, let’s brainstorm! Maybe dye me different colors like women are doing with armpit hair? Colors are so important in your life; you own at least twenty different lipstick shades. You remember reading all those blog posts, there was even that Time magazine article about that snazzy stylist. Chin hairs are of a much higher class than those stinky pit moss clumps. No smell, no pit stains—we do not cause any trouble. We accentuate facial features; we catch the attention of anyone speaking to you. We draw people to you. Spinning that into a positive is easy! I am the modern French mouche. You’re the reborn Marie Antoinette minus the execution!
Look at you, trendsetter! Soon enough, you’ll be an official influencer. Random strangers will follow your lamest social media posts like nectar dripping down from gods. Companies will pay you to post videos featuring their products, and then you’re an actress! You can quit that boring accounting job; let’s go from so annoyed to self-employed! No more crunching numbers for you!
Think about the life changing events that await our future. Fancy condo, new car. The stars are the limit when we work together.
Body hair serves a biological purpose, my awesome landlord. Neanderthals loved every single whisker on their bodies. Instead of all this plucking, waxing, and shaving of my brethren, we were once revered and appreciated like tiny little furry saviors. Thousands of years ago, a woman spent winter nights praying for a warming full beard. Any smooth faced woman probably stared longingly at their hairy comrades. Hair herbs probably circulated tribes like a Kardashian nude on Instagram. It was my ancestors who helped humans SURVIVE. Every single unwanted whisker was one step closer to advancing humanity, and you’re going to move us towards extinction one innocent, beneficial chin hair at a time.
We spent so much quality time together during quarantine. All the Netflix binges, all the emotional breakdowns, we made it through as one fierce team! Unknowingly, I stood as support through such a tough time. Or maybe stuck out is the accurate description, but the sentiment remains.
Quarantine superhero chin hair! Chinny! I’ll work on the name. After everything, don’t you think we should give this some time?
Praying for your mercy,
Your underrated chin hair