I hate that I ask you whether or not you have questions about your medication.

To be honest I don’t even know why I do it. Probably because I’m obligated to under some pharmaceutical oath. I mean, what questions can you even have? The directions are written on the bottle, clear as day. I already had to figure out what nonsense your doctor scribbled down. Your doctor has horrible penmanship, so I’m really just going with my gut feeling here. That alone reduces your chance of getting the right medication by like 15%, and now you want to ask me more questions on top of it? Look, I know exactly as much about your medication as you do. The only difference between you and me is that I get to wear this oversized lab coat and my side of the counter has a platform so I can stare down at you and establish my dominance.

How many pills should you take at a time? Read the label.

Can I take this with food? Read the label.

Why did the doctor prescribe me this medication? I wasn’t in the room with you, how am I supposed to know that? And no, don’t take that as an opportunity to fill me in on your medical history. I don’t need the background.

The worst questions are the really detailed ones. Like, do you see how many bottles and pills I have behind this counter? You really think I can tell you the differences between the white round one with a line through the center and the white round one with the line slightly off center?

What exactly does this medication do? I have absolutely no clue. All I know is if you take this pill that giant rash on your arm should go away (I hope). Seriously, you should wear long sleeves out in public. It looks like your arm was bathed in lava and you’re asking me what this medication should do? But since I have to pretend I can’t see the festering wounds on your arm I have to give some medically generic answer like “this is an anti-inflammatory,” whatever that means. I just got that information from the label.

Can I take these medications together? If you’re looking to have a great time, then sure. If you’re looking to survive through the night, well then I don’t know. Ask the doctor that gave them to you. They probably took some biology classes or something in medical school. I learned to count and to be nice to people in pharmacy school like it was some super expensive kindergarten.

And don’t get me started on the grapefruit juice. If I had a dime for every time someone asked me about grapefruit juice I wouldn’t be working at a CVS that both stocks opioids and has the local high school drug dealer working the cash register. There’s a reason they have the pharmacy on the other side of the store. I don’t know why you shouldn’t take grapefruit juice with your medicine. Probably because your body is already sad it's sick and having to drink grapefruit juice at the same time is just too much for it to handle? I don’t know.

Here’s the deal. I got this job the same way I got my job at Burger King in high school. I can push buttons on the cash register, and I can count. Did you know that the same counting system used for chicken nuggets is used for pills? Turns out counting is an extremely transferable skill.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that if you value your time, your health, and your safety, you will not ask me any questions under any circumstances. Just go home, eat some dinner, take the pills, and go to sleep. Or maybe don’t eat? Or maybe take the pills before eating?

Whatever, I don’t know. Just read the label.