I‘m sure you recognize me. I'm the hummingbird at the beginning of all those BBC nature documentaries, and it’s time to discuss the trauma that I’ve experienced as a result of being thrust into the public eye without my consent or awareness by the parasitic voyeurs at BBC Earth.

Am I talking too fast? Sometimes when my heart gets up around 1,200 bpm my thoughts start to jump around.

Anyway, the morning that footage was taken, I was just exploring and enjoying the local nectars. Enjoying my solitude. Enjoying life as an anonymous little hummingbird in a big strange colorful world. How could I possibly have known a nine-person BBC Earth production crew was spying on me from behind the glory bushes? Or that they would use their footage of me eating at the start of every BBC Earth show for the next four years? Or that I’d never know peace at a backyard bird feeder ever again?

The last time I stopped for a snack at one of those hanging nectar jars I was chased around this family’s patio by a little girl in a Jethro Tull t-shirt yelling, “Are you the bird from the beginning of Blue Planet II?” and I was so flustered I flew right into their mesh hemp hammock and needed to be cut free. It was humiliating and I think that girl’s sister might have filmed me crying.

Do you HEAR that? That’s my heart beating! You might think that’s the sound of my wings flapping but that’s MY HEART BEATING.

This distress and the disruption to my daily life is why I’m suing the BBC in a class-action lawsuit along with the Planet Earth Iguana, four ponies I found in some pastoral stock footage, and every single sheep from The Great British Bake Off. Like me, their privacy is now gone, their safety is compromised, and two of the sheep, also like me, have had their locations revealed to estranged toxic family members.

What I ask of you—the viewers of Amanpour—is to find an alternative relaxation aide instead of these unethically sourced nature documentaries. Did you know there’s an app where Matthew McConaughey reads you bedtime stories?

We need to send a message to predatory documentarians that we wildlife have feelings, personal lives, and controlling relatives we’d prefer did not know where we live. And we won’t tolerate this exploitation any longer! If you or any of your wildlife friends have suffered due to being surreptitiously filmed or harassed by the intrusive douchebags at BBC Studios, please contact me or my attorney: renowned lawyer, activist, and fellow tabloid target, Amal Clooney.

I also encourage everyone to visit our GoFundMe page and to vote for your favorite slogan. Here’s what the sheep and I have come up with so far:

WILDLIFE DESERVES PRIVATE LIFE

SLOW YOUR B-ROLL

TURN OFF THE BB SLEAZE

SPYING ON ANIMALS
X NOT OKAY X

DON’T BE A CREEP, JUST GO TO SLEEP

IF YOU NEED HELP RELAXING
WHY NOT LISTEN TO MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY READ?

How do you know if you’re having an aneurysm? Would you get a pain behind just your left eye? Probably not?

Thanks for listening. I’m going to fly back to my hotel room now, slow my heart down with a cool bath in the sink, and probably watch videos of Matthew McConaughey jogging until I fall asleep.

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