Congratulations inflation, you’ve done it again, yet another hard-working small business is throwing in the towel.

That’s right LinkedIn family, I’m sorry to share this will be the last post I make with the title of Proprietor, Professional Kidnapping for Ransom Operation, here on my profile. Given so many of you have been with me for the entire ride, I wanted to share what led up to this grievous decision.

I’ll be blunt, a million-dollar payoff just won’t stretch as far as it used to folks. Perhaps nowhere has this been felt more than the kidnapping for ransom industry. The profit margin on brick-and-mortar kidnap for ransom operations has always been paper-thin. I just don’t see a way forward during this time of rampant inflation.

Our whole supply chain is wrecked with increased expenses: the price of a getaway car is sky high, gas costs for said car are now at an astronomical level, paying for a safe house to keep victims hasn’t been spared from the rising rent we see reflected throughout the nation. Don’t even get me started on the price of bread and water. Used to be you could keep a captive fed and watered for under a buck a day. Not anymore!

And let’s talk about the cost of 24-hour guards. They sure don’t make employees like they used to. I’ve got decoys wanting to unionize, strongmen wanting behavioral health services covered as part of basic healthcare, and lookouts asking for hybrid work schedules. Tell me how the hell you’re gonna be a lookout when you’re at home sitting on a computer and not here at the safe house?

All of the above made for a terrific storm, but we were still making it through this godforsaken pandemic up until now. The final straw was when we explored adopting a new pricing plan to adjust our one million dollar asking price for inflation, for the first time since we opened our doors in the year 2000. Do you know how ridiculous asking for $1,669.553.50 looks on a ransom note?

Also, do you know how many magazines and newspapers I need to purchase to even find that variety of numbers to cut out for a damn ransom note? I’ll tell you: five. We used to be able to cut out a simple “1” and the word “million,” it took two periodicals max to make the note. I’ve burnt my entire periodical budget two months into the fiscal year.

I’m closing shop. Done.

I’d like to end things on a positive note. I’ve always lived by the saying, “when one door closes another opens” and that remains true to this day. I’m pleased to share my newest venture with you. I’m opening a print shop that will specialize in updating signage. I’ve calculated the number of $33.39 palm reading and $1.67 slice of pizza signs in need of printing in New York City alone will keep me in the green for the next 20 years. I just need to raise some startup funds. Please shoot me a direct message if you’re in the market for a slightly used getaway car or a well-worn set of blindfolds and shackles.