Welcome in, bitch! I love new patients and wanted to personally welcome you to my practice. You’ve probably spent your whole life going to square, lame-ass dentists. Well, no more of that. Get ready to have your mind and mouth blown because I’m not a regular dentist. I’m a cool dentist.

C’mon back and let’s get the party started!

Do you like the under-glow under the dental chair? If lime green isn’t your jam, I just press this button and blam-o: cobalt blue or shocking pink for the ladies. This chair is also a custom lowrider. It’s normal for it to bounce like that, so don’t sweat it.

Before I put the ol’ rubbers on, check out my sweet knuckle tats. Nah, they’re not “just some teeth.” I got a molar, a premolar, an incisor, and a canine. Whole collection, bro!

I’m gonna turn you over to my hygienist Martha here in a second. She’ll give your teeth a quick hose down, then hook you up with a fluoride treatment. A boring dentist might have lame-shit flavors like “mint,” but I offer X-treme fluoride sponsored by Mountain Dew. You get your pick of Code Red or Live Wire.

True story: I saw that rapper Flo-Rida at the airport one time and told him he should change his name to “Fluoride-A” and be my spokesman. Not a great sense of humor, that guy.

Actually, Martha, why don’t you run out to the lobby and get us a couple of PBRs out of the mini fridge and I’ll take this one myself? I’m digging the vibe, and also I only have one other patient today for some reason.

Open up, buttercup, here comes the hose down!

Do you floss? No, I don’t mean with dental floss, that’s uncool. I mean floss like the dance. Remember Backpack Kid? He’s a client. Wicked gingivitis, but he’s still got the moves. I can teach you how to floss when we’re done here, but head’s up, your insurance probably won’t cover it.

Martha, good timing with those brews. I was just about to bring out The Enforcer. That’s what I call my dental pick. Get your ready to take notes, Marth, this mofo’s got more plaque than a museum donor appreciation wall.

You cool if I give your teeth nicknames? A “normal” loser dentist would say things like “first bicuspid” and “second bicuspid.” I’m gonna call this one T-Man, this one Chief Teef, and this one Jarrod.

Martha, make a note—possible cavity on Chief Teef. We’ll need X-rays in six months.

Are you on ToothTok at all? It’s like BookTok but with less Colleen Hoover and more oral surgery. It’s okay, I know you can’t really talk right now, what with The Enforcer all up in your business. I get it.

Ah crap, sorry for stabbing you—necessary hazard of the lowrider bounce. You get it.

Martha, make a note—gums are bleeding profusely. May need instruction on flossing with floss after all.

Okay, we’re all done. Nah, I’m not doing a full cleaning. That’s for pussies. We’re gonna slather on this Code Red flouride, then we can drink our beers and hang.

While that ‘ride is sinking in, I have a couple recommendations. First, start smoking. You’ll look cooler. Whitening strips have come a long way.

Second, you have some serious decay on Jarrod, and we’re going to want you back for a more thorough exam, and possibly a filling later this year. Jarrod straight-up sucks, my dude.

Third, have you considered a tooth gem? A lot of those wet blanket dentists think they’re unsanitary, but I’m happy to whip out my glue gun and get that sparkle-sparkle going on T-man.

Oh, but insurance doesn’t cover that either, B-T-dubs.

I’ll hook you up with some sample toothpaste before you go. Real talk though? Toothpaste is great and all, but I sometimes like to raw dog it and brush my teeth dry.

Martha will get you checked out. I wish I could hang longer, but I’ve gotta chug this beer and run. I have an extraction on Backpack Kid this afternoon. We’re gonna do it in my self-driving Tesla while cruising up I-5. One of these days I’m gonna go viral on ToothTok, I know it.

Oh, and unlike those typical, stuffed-shirt dentists, we don’t bill you or your insurance company in “dollars.” We’ll be billing you in Ethereum.

Catch ya later!