Don't unclasp those hands Martha, stay on the prayer just a little bit longer, I have to tell you something. You know in church, my home, pretty impressive but that's not what I'm here to talk about, when the priest said "God loves all of us equally"? Well he wasn't entirely telling the truth, and he's going to hell for it.

Teen girl praying to God

Martha, I think it's time we take this religion to the next level.

I'm in love with you Martha, and I know that must be hard to hear, even though I'm projecting my omnipotent voice clearly into your subconscious. I've been in love with you since the day you got dunked in that holy water bath. I know you were a baby then, so it was a different kind of love. I promise. That's not what I'm about. Those guys are gross. I'm not with them. I swear to me, that's not who I am.

I understand I may take some getting use to, seeing as you probably haven't hung out with a shapeless, indescribable all-powerful authority before.Remember that trip we took to the lake house? Well, that trip you took to the lake house, which I came along on because of the whole "God is inside everyone" bit? Pretty sweet, right? How I'm just with everyone all the time? I mean not with everyone, I only want to be with you Martha, it's just a technicality. I promise. Part of the job, and that's it. Honest.

I feel like I'm not explaining myself very well. It's been a while since I've done this, and the last time didn't go over so well. Not to go into detail, but I was in love, had a kid who stirred up some trouble, and things just spiraled out of control from there for roughly 2,000 years. I have loved and lost, but now I'm ready to love again Martha, with you, so long as the whole kid thing isn't a deal breaker.

I understand I may take some getting use to, seeing as you probably haven't hung out with a shapeless, indescribable all-powerful authority before. This includes that character "Bret" you use to run around with, who was never right for you, and who I could totally make go to hell if you wanted me to. Just say the word. Any word. Any three words. I love you. Those words.

Let's not beat around the burning bush here. I'm in it for commitment, and I hope you are too. I mean, you kind of already devoted your life to me, which was great, but I'm looking for someone who loves me not just because I'm God… but because I'm me. Sure, I can boil seas and give children Lupus, but I can also chill out and burn through a season of Bones with someone I love.

So I hope you'll love me too, Martha. And not to pressure you or anything, but you may or may not now be immaculately pregnant with my son. Don't let that inform your decision.

Amen. Bye. Talk to you later.

I love you.

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