Hi there, I’m an NPC or “Non-player character” in an epic, role-playing adventure game and I’d like you to get out of my house please.

I don’t care what sort of quest you’re on, this is my home, you can’t just walk in through the front door uninvited, I could have been naked.

What’s weird about that? It’s my house. I can be naked in it if I like.

No, anyone couldn’t “just walk in.” No one ‘just walks in.” Normal polite people in society knock on the door and wait and then, if I’m naked, I can get dressed and answer the door. You’re the only person who’s ever “just walked in.”

What wizard? No, I haven’t seen the wizard. Do I look like I’m the sort of bloke who hob-nobs with wizards? If I knew a wizard, I’d get him to cast a spell to turn people who walk into my house uninvited into frogs. Anyway, balls to the wizard. The wizard is neither here-nor-there. Needing to find a wizard doesn’t give you the right to barge into a person’s home like that.

Why would I need to lock the door if I’m home? If I’m out then I lock the door, but if I’m in, I think that I’m well within my rights to be able to leave the door unlocked and then if–

What are you–

Stop looking through that chest. That’s my chest. I know there’s a potion in it. I put the potion in the chest. No, you can’t have it. It’s my potion. What if I lose health? I’ll need that potion to regain my health.

I absolutely do not want to trade it for ten pieces of “skeletal material.” What am I going to do with ten pieces of “skeletal material?”

Yeah, right. “Craft something.” Who can ever be bothered to craft something? No, you keep your “skeletal material” and I’ll keep my potion, thank you very much. Why don’t you pop it back in the chest and clear off out on your quest for…whatever your quest is all about. I’m making dinner.

It’s hearty stew, since you ask.

Yeah, I can sell you my hearty stew, I suppose. No, you can put that “skeletal material” away for a start. Let’s say… a gold piece? Alright. Well, there you go then.

My spoon? No, you can’t “borrow” my spoon. Do you know how unhygienic sharing a spoon would be?

Well, you should have thought of that before you bought my hearty stew. I could sell you the spoon if you like? Another gold piece?

Well, if you haven’t got another gold piece, you can’t have my spoon then, can you?

I don’t know. We’re at an impasse. Ooo, I know, why don’t you leave your stew here, I’ll keep it warm for you, and you go out and, I don’t know, kill six rabbits who are stealing the farmer’s carrots or collect ten spider venom-sacs for the apothecary, and then they can pay you a gold piece and you can come back here with–

Oi, what are you–

Put that sword away! Stop! This is no way for a hero on a quest to behave, you know.

Arrrggh.

….

You kill the peasant and collect one potion, one portion of hearty stew, and one spoon. You continue on your quest.


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