I should just expressly state my purpose here: I intend to pursue any type of sex act with That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All (I believe it's "Clarissa" actually). Before I amplify the reasons, if you find yourself in the position to make this happen–I don't know, maybe you're her manager or best friend, whatever–please please, for god's sake, and for the sake of me having sex or doing anything sexual with That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All, stop reading this now and contact me through my email address which should be listed somewhere here (sampinkisalive@gmail.com).
Let me first say, and I address this to her if she happens upon this, I am a relatively good-looking man. The unpleasant aspects of my body can easily be resolved with such things as deodorant, toothbrushing, the use of clothing without the obligatory booger-hardened sleeve, and I don't know, whatever one does to get rid of lice (they can live in your eyebrow did you know that?). But let us not entertain any needless vanity here. I will just say, I think I am at least good-looking enough that, if That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All were to see me, she'd be like: "Oh sure, he's at least good-looking enough for me to have sex with, for sure." And she'd say it without hesitation, all confident-like.
I know what those melons are for, and I intend to use them well, That Girl From Clarissa Explains It All.Perhaps you are sheltering her from unnecessary heartbreak and you'd rather tell her about me before setting us up. Well I urge you to do so. Now. She could be growing more unlike her "Clarissa" figure as we speak. Tell her about me, let her know that I am indeed the proud owner of three Red Baron frozen pizzas–yeah, the good kind, I know. Tell her if she doesn't like pepperoni I can pick them off. Even the really small sliver pieces around the edges (I'll like, flip the pizza upside down and shake the small pieces off).
Tell her I am willing to do the whole romantic thing. I am willing to take up to two twenty dollar bills out of the ATM. I'll buy her a nice dinner and stare at her through the candle on the table and be like, "That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All, do you believe in love at first sight? Because I do. I knew it when I first saw you arguing with your brother Ferguson on that one episode where you messed something up and then resolved it and said something quirky. Oh? What's that, That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All? Oh yes, you called him Ferg-Face, I nearly forgot, haha, you're so funny. Huh, That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All? You want to have sex with me?"
I will laugh and lightly touch her knee under the table, not threatening like or anything, just to see how she responds. Why be friends when we can be lovers, huh, That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All?
Then I'll squeeze her knee hard and clench my teeth so she'd know there's no escape. You will be mine, I swear, That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All. You will.