Hi, I’m Bill Gates. I am an author, a philanthropist, a father, and the Co-Founder of Microsoft Corp. I am a strong believer in innovation, education, and the dissemination of verified, fact-based scientific information throughout the world.

Much debate has raged around the origins of the virus known as COVID-19. The Internet has propagated many baseless rumors that I am the source of the virus, and that creating it was part of my ongoing effort to plant tracking chips inside every American. I hoped that rigorous scientific inquiry and the publication of well-vetted research would easily end this preposterous idea. But enough falsities about the much-needed vaccine have spread that I’m taking the time now to speak up and thoroughly correct misinformation.

You think I want to put MICROCHIPS inside you? Microchips. Really, MICROCHIPS? And you think the best way to do that is via syringe??? ARE YOU STUPID? Do you know how expensive microchips are? Do you know how expensive MICROSCOPIC microchips are? I didn’t become a billionaire by just going around giving away MICROCHIPS all the time! I AM A SMART MAN. IT IS INSULTING THAT YOU THINK I WOULD THINK OF THIS.

Do you think I CARE about tracking YOU? I KNOW where you are. You’re in your shitty apartment. Did I guess right, you absolute LOSER? It’s not 1984, you’re just POOR and PREDICTABLE. And what did it get me? NOTHING. So leave me ALONE, I have to take my daughter to HER DRESSAGE PRACTICE. I don’t have TIME to create a pandemic. My day is planned BY THE MINUTE like I’m a U.S. PRESIDENT and my daughter has to teach a HORSE how to DANCE.

Even if I DID figure out a way to squeeze a tracking device into a vaccine, I wouldn’t want or need to because you’re BEING TRACKED ALREADY! It’s not me you should be scared of, it’s a THIRTY-SOMETHING WHO TOOK A DATA ANALYTICS COURSE AND NOW KNOWS EXACTLY WHICH ANTIDEPRESSANTS TO MARKET TO YOU. You want privacy? CLEAR YOUR FUCKING COOKIES!

But “wahhh, Bill, I don’t want to have to log into that website again. Wahhhh, Bill, I like it when Yelp knows what sushi places are near me. But WAHHHHH, Bill, without TikTok, how will I know how to feel about all the products TikTok tells me to buy?” I don’t give a SHIT if you stick your FITBIT on your DICK, just LEAVE ME OUT OF IT! I still have ONE KID to get into college and it’s NOT FUCKING EASY these days!

You think I WANT this kind of press? I’m still taking SHIT for WINDOWS VISTA! Get OVER yourselves and YOUR MISGUIDED FEAR OF BIOTECH, you IMBECILES! Are you this mad about pacemakers? What about prosthetics? How about IUDs? Do you even KNOW what an IUD is? For the sake of THE FUTURE of the GENE POOL, I HOPE YOU DO. STICK IT IN THERE AND FORGET ABOUT IT.

Honestly, you disgust me. You don’t even care about facts. You’re happy to believe anything RT America feeds you. You like to picture me launching a bunch of COVID-infected bats off of the Space Needle while screaming, “Fly my pretties, FLY!” You watch me drink clean water I miraculously produced from human feces and call me a dirty, dirty poop eater. You like to think I, a New Balance-wearing father of three, am a secretly evil mastermind. And, at the end of the day, it’s because I’m just not interesting enough for you. That’s my crime. I didn’t smoke weed with Joe Rogan. I don’t have a space car. I’m just a normal guy and you can’t fucking stand that.

Well, I hope that clears the air. I did not invent COVID-19. I don’t know how to put microchips in vaccines. Even if I did, I don’t care about putting microchips in you, specifically. You’re just not worth it.

So you can keep on talking shit. More potable poop water for me.

Bill Gates

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