By contributing writer J.B. Hour

Mood: Awesome

Currently Listening to: The A-Team Theme

Ebonis20 (11:01:38 PM): Read your article on pointsincase. Loved it
ThaEternl1 (11:01:50 PM): which one?
Ebonis20 (11:02:22 PM): How 2 speed ur way out of a dui
ThaEternl1 (11:03:36 PM): that's great
(11:03:38 PM): wasn't my article
: next time check the name

Seriously, this is a classic example of why you need to organize your buddy list, in a way that doesn't make you look like an incompetent asshole. I only have 14 people on my buddy list, and one of them is my own screen name. The reason I only have 13 other people on my buddy list is because I don't like a lot of people, nor do I care to stalk everybody I come into contact with on the interweb. I don't care if you're “playing a computer game that takes up the entire screen.” I also don't care to read all your fascinating tales of drunken debauchery or the hilariously horrible quotes your friends spout off. There’s actually a website for this kind of stuff, believe it or not. You can find it at

The explanation Ebonis20 gave me was that he has two PIC writers on his buddy list, and must have gotten them mixed up. Although, it’s clear he probably has every PIC writer on his buddy list. Had he waited until I wrote this article, he could have avoided the entire thing by following my simple rules. Although, had he not messaged me, I probably would never have written this article. You see the paradox.

Anyway, below are some simple rules to keep you from looking like an ass clown by instant messaging the wrong person, to praise him for an article he didn't write.

Rule #1 – Use groups.

Yes, I know, it's simple. Create those nifty groups to store all the people on your buddy list, so you don't get confused on why you put them on your buddy list in the first place. I always love this conversation:

CoolDude2347584353: hey who are you. i have you on my buddy list but I don't know who you r.
: Well that makes two of us. You're not even on MY buddy list. Get a life.

Notice the lack of punctuation and grammar these people use; it's a dead giveaway why they SHOULDN'T be on YOUR buddy list.

Rule #2 – Name the groups something obvious.

Once again, this should be something I shouldn't have to point out, right?


Because you have the max number of people on your buddy list—which is like 29,843,028,209 or something—you need to be very specific with group names. For example, these are examples of group names you could use:

-Alpha Sigma Delta
-Girls who are hot
-Girls who are hot, but would never date me
-Girls I'm planning on/currently stalking (don't IM these people)
-People with really funny quotes in their profile
-People whose life I follow vicariously through their AIM profile
-Bitches who are hotter than me, so I hate them. (For girls only)
PIC Writers

Rule # 3 – Buddy comments are your new BFF.

Folks, these are absolutely essential. Most people probably don’t even know they exist (right-click on anyone’s screen name). I mean, I didn’t know they existed until recently. I thought they might exist, but wasn’t sure. It was like the female orgasm: I had to see it to believe it.

These comments let you keep track of who your buddies are, on a more detailed level. Because once you have everybody in a group, you need to separate them individually.

Remember that borderline chick you took home like a month ago? Yeah, well remember how she added herself to your buddy list before you kicked her out? Remember how you figured you’d keep her on your list just in case you got lonely? Remember how lame you are? If you’re going to keep her on your buddy list you need to make sure you have the details before you message her.

Use common terminology you’ll recognize later. You’re not Peyton Manning, you don’t need confusing terminology, and you sure as hell don’t need to be calling an audible at the line of scrimmage. Below is a list of acceptable terminology you can use to separate the good from the bad*.

-Brown Bagger
-50 Yarder
-Practice Chick
-Arranged Marriage Material
-Carrot Top’s Stunt Double

*Borderline, if you’re drunk.

Rule # 4 – Arrange people in order of importance.

I like this one, because it’s simple. After you create the groups, all you have to do is arrange everybody from top to bottom. For example, the really hot girl in your computer science class that looks lost when the teacher is talking about primary domain controllers should go at the top. Also, get a life. Geek.

Rule # 5 – Delete people you haven’t talked to in six years from your buddy list.

Yeah, I know, it’s not rocket science. If it were rocket science I’d follow this up with a bunch of formulas and tables. You get my point, though. Don’t be a buddy list pack rat. You don’t need to keep Uncle Rick on your buddy list anymore. He died three years ago. Go make a Facebook group in tribute instead. Too much clutter on your buddy list leads to confusion.

Now, to cap it off, here are a couple of tips on how to stalk people on instant messenger, so you don’t give away the fact that you have them on your buddy list.

AIM Stalking Rule #1

Put yourself on your buddy list and always keep yourself highlighted. You know what I’m talking about. You think you’re safe because you’re typing your paper in Microsoft Word, but then you get distracted and suddenly your buddy list window is selected. You start typing and before you know it you’ve typed half a sentence about the French and Indian War to the girl you hate. Good luck explaining.

AIM Stalking Rule #2

Create a new screen name and put all the people you’re AIM stalking on that one. Check their profiles from there, to avoid running into the situation in AIM Stalking Rule #1. If you accidentally IM them, they won’t even know who you are, and won’t be able to find out, because it’s your “secret screen name,” right?

And remember, pay attention. If you can’t even compliment the right PIC writer, how do you expect to graduate from college?

NOTE: No screen names have been changed to protect the innocent or guilty parties, nor were any screen names harmed in the making of this article. Jim also contributed to the hilarity of this article. You should care. Jim’s fucking funny, asshole.