There are a lot of bad things that can happen to people in this crazy, screwed-up world, but there's really no human experience more gut-wrenching than coming home to discover that your little hamster is…contaminated! ….with radiation! Let that sink in for a minute….

This is what is happening more and more to decent people all around the world. And why? Because radiation is coming at us from all directions, invisibly.

You've got radioactive steam spewing out of nuclear power plants (the big killer!). You've got terrorists stealing radioactive material to build bombs, and most of the time these jerks don't really know what they're doing, so whenever they mess it up, they toss the thing in the garbage and start over. You've got prospectors tearing up half the bloody planet because the price of uranium is way up, and the stuff blows away in the wind and settles a thousand miles away. You've got mine waste leaching into the ground and getting into the water table and food supply. You've got space junk falling out of the sky. You've got wackos stealing isotopes from hospitals and trying to fence them off in the black ghettoes, and God only knows where they eventually end up.

You've got secret government experiments, and just by the laws of probability some of them will go wrong, and are you going to be warned? No way! You can't prove who's responsible. Who are you going to sue when you see little Hammy getting all sick and mopey? Look at the way he's suffering, the poor little thing! Makes your heart break. What can you do? You can let him suffer day by day, or watch him mutate into some grotesque creature that belongs in a monster movie, or put him out of his misery with one quick smash on the head with a sledge hammer.

Well, that's the way it used to be. But now there's hope. You can decontaminate your radioactive hamster by following my method.

Step 1: Don't panic.

Step 2: Get a Geiger counter. You should have done this first, but you were momentarily in a state of panic. Okay, nevermind. Now, there are two basic kinds of Geiger counters. You want the wicked Geiger counter, which is calibrated in whole Roentgens, not the sissy Geiger counter, which is calibrated in milli-Roentgens.

Step 3: You need a big horseshoe magnet. Don't get an electromagnet, because they're too complicated.

Hamster in trumpet
As a last resort, stuff the hamster in your trumpet and play Usher's uber club jam “Yeah.” This should remove any excess radiation from the fur.

Step 4: Get a plastic or wooden cage for Hammy, because a metal cage will interfere with the magnetism.

Step 5: You have to wash Hammy externally. Just put him in a basin of lukewarm water with some ordinary baking soda, and brush him gently with a soft brush. This will get rid of any contamination on the outside.

Step 6: Take Hammy's radiation count with the Geiger counter. If he's over 1.0 Roentgen, forget it. He's a dead rodent. If he's under 1.0 Roentgen but still moving the needle over 0.1, make a note of the reading and proceed to Step 7.

Step 7: You have to get rid of the contamination inside his body. You do this by waiting until Hammy is asleep, so he isn't moving around. Place the magnet close to his butt.  You have to align it as if you're drawing the contamination down from the top of his body straight to his rectum. (The magnet doesn't actually have to be in the cage, as long as it's within six inches of his body.) Then go to bed and let the magnet do its work.  Little by little, the radioactive molecules, which are slightly magnetic, will be pulled down to where they can be excreted. This will take several days or weeks, but trust me, okay? I've done this. Just take Hammy's radiation reading every day. It should start going down in a couple of days. You want to get him down below 0.1 Roentgen, or, better yet, so low that the needle hardly moves. Then Hammy will be fine.

Now, the Russians claim to have a better method, which involves using a kind of diaper with a small electromagnet sewn into it, and you're supposed to put the diaper on the hamster and the magnetism is working all the time. Sure. As if a hamster is going to be able to tolerate such a contrivance. You couldn't stand going around with an electromagnet in your ass 24 hours a day, so how do you expect a hamster to take it?  You know, those Russkies always talk big, but as far as I'm concerned, they just don't have the know-how. Think of Chernobyl. So much for Russkie technology!

Step 8: Just kidding. There's no Step 8. You're finished. Hey, let's have a party!

So now you know how to take care of your hamster in this evil, polluted world of radioactive contamination.

Oh, yeah, there's probably one question still on your mind: does this method also work for other kinds of animals? Hell, I don't know. You can try it.