Here, hold my duffel bag on your lap while I put my luggage into the overhead bin. Hmm, it doesn’t seem to want to fit. Oh look, a box with a fragile sticker. Crunch. There, fits like a glove.

Looks like you’re in my seat. Yep, 32B. I’m on the aisle. No, I’m definitely on the aisle. No window seat for me. Your ticket says 32B? Oh, would you look at that, mine says 32A for some reason—must have been a typo. Scooch over, I like to be able to stretch one leg out in the aisle. No swapsies? Have it your way, but it’s going to be a long flight.

I’m calling dibs on the armrest. Watch it, your ribs are pushing into my elbow.

Time to get these shoes and socks off, settle in, and make myself at home. The air helps my feet breathe. Podiatrist says it’s good for my toenail fungus. Say, do you have any nail clippers I could borrow? That’s okay, I’ll just trim them the old-fashioned way.

I bet you thought I meant with my hands, right? Most people wouldn’t guess it to look at me, but I’m pretty darned flexible. You should have seen the look on your face when I managed to get my foot up to my mouth. You’re sitting next to a real-life Gumby.

What are you reading? I’m not much of a book guy myself. Looks like you’re about halfway through. What’s it about? Oh, I heard about that one. That’s the one where it turns out that the woman has multiple personalities and she’s been the other characters all along. Oops, spoiler alert!

I’m going to close my window shade and turn off your reading light, so I can grab some shut-eye before takeoff. If you have earplugs, you might want to use them—I’m a snorer. I saw more logs than a lumberjack. That’s how I got the nickname Paul “Bun-yawn.” Get it, like tired yawn?

Man, I was out like a light. Waking up just in time for the drink cart though. Oh, looks like I wasn’t the only one who nodded off. Don’t worry, I’ll get you a snack for when you wake up. Planning on having a Bloody Mary and a beer myself. It’s noon somewhere, right?

Rise and shine, sleepy head. You just missed the drink cart. The flight attendant offered to pour you a water, but I told them not to bother. I wasn’t sure if you wanted pretzels or cookies, so I got you both. Then I ate them. You snooze, you lose.

Gonna watch a movie on your laptop, huh? How bout you turn it this way a little bit, so I can see too? Hand me an earbud. Well, it wouldn’t make much sense for me to see what’s happening, but not be able to hear it. Duh.

Oh, I love this part! Watch what this guy does. Boom! Didn’t see that coming the first time I saw it. You’d never guess that he survives, but he comes back at the end. Oops, spoiler alert!

I’m sure glad I brought these peanuts to snack on. You’re allergic? Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to offer you any. Hey, you’re getting kind of puffy in the face.

You’re lucky that flight attendant knew how to use your EpiPen. I’m afraid of needles, so the whole experience was pretty traumatic for me. I’ll be alright—nothing chugging the rest of this brewski can’t fix.

Time for the seventh-inning stretch. Gotta visit the crapper. No, no, I can step over you. Here, I’ll just brace myself using your shoulder and then step right over—oh, watch your toes! Hey, while you’re getting ice for your foot, order me another wobbly pop.

Wow, I almost feel bad for whoever has to go in there next. My bowels were experiencing a bit of turbulence and it’s rough skies ahead for anyone entering that enclosed space. Well, just try to hold your breath. Also, give it a flush—I don’t know if I remembered to or not.

I wasn’t lying, was I? At home I have a hilarious “Toxic Waste” warning sign on the bathroom door.

Wanna thumb wrestle? Come on, don’t be so uptight. It’ll be fun. What else do you have to do?

I guess I should have warned you that I take thumb wrestling pretty seriously. Put the ice from your foot on your thumb, it’ll help the swelling go down.

Gonna listen to some music, huh? Right on. I could go for that. Earbud me. Come on, seatmate, don’t get selfish on me now. Turn it up. Louder. Louder!

Skip this track. And this one. Are you taking requests? Ooh, I know! Play “Who Let the Dogs Out.” That’s my jam. I can’t believe you don’t have that song on your playlist. Bad taste in music much?

We’re touching down without a minute to spare on my connection. You got one too? Where you headed? No kidding, me too! Quick, check your ticket to see where you’re sitting.

What are the odds, we’re going to be seatmates again!


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