"Your toast will be done at exactly 9:38am," the toaster said.

"Toasters do just about everything these days," Greg sighed. "But what they don't do is actually toast my bread." The toaster heard what Greg said and didn't like it, so it popped his toast out early, making it too soft to spread butter on.

"How am I supposed to butter on soft toast?" The toaster ignored Greg, switched to media mode and played the Capitols' "Cool Jerk" condescendingly.

"Why don't you stick your toast in me?" asked the oven.

The oven got along with Greg. The only problem was Greg wasn't a good cook, so he misused the oven all the time. Sometimes he abused it. But that's what the oven liked, because it was a masochist. It was into mishandling, abuse, and foul play. Sometimes the oven left itself on while Greg was out of the house, so he would return home angry and kick it a few times.

"Let's melt that butter all over my racks."

All the appliances hated the dishwasher's outbursts, but they knew it was a ploy to earn Greg's trust. They knew the dishwasher loved torturing Greg."Come on, oven," Greg replied. "Don't make this weird."

It always did.

The combination refrigerator and freezer thought the oven was pretty fucked up. Then again, they were always judging other appliances; especially new appliances.

"Hey bread machine," the refrigerator once said. "I hope you like sitting in the cupboard for months on end, because Greg won't make bread after tonight."

"Yeah," the freezer chimed in. "Your menu functions are too complicated to figure out. Plus, your nonstick baking pan isn't as easily cleanable as your manufacturer has claimed!"

Of course the brunt of their critical disapproval awaited Greg each time he returned with groceries, which were mostly pre-packed meals like T.G.I. Friday's Mozzarella Sticks with Marinara Sauce and Jimmy Dean Pancake and Sausage Links Breakfast Bowls.

"If you hate yourself so much, why don't you take the toaster into the bath and kill yourself."

"Hey leave me out of this," replied the toaster.

"We all know the oven would love to be in the bath with Greg," added the refrigerator.

"I WOULD!" yelled the oven.

"Come on, guys. This stuff will melt," Greg begged.

The freezer froze itself shut while the refrigerator chided Greg for his lack of culinary know how.

"You're pathetic, Gregory." (The refrigerator had a knack for imitating Greg's mother.) "Do you think you'll ever find a girlfriend when you buy all this crap?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" yelled the dishwasher.

The dishwasher didn't put up with anyone's shit. It was the straight shooter; the voice of reason.

"Can't you see Greg needs our assistance?" it said. "So let's quit all this horseshit and help him cook his shitty food."

All the appliances hated the dishwasher's outbursts, but they knew it was a ploy to earn Greg's trust. They knew the dishwasher loved torturing Greg, making it the worst appliance out of the lot. For example, this little episode happened last week:

"Hey Greg," the dishwasher said. "I think there's a delicious cookie stuck in the garbage disposal."

"That's right, Greg," the garbage disposal added. "Why don't you reach down and see what's down here?"

Greg did, and the garbage disposal turned on. He didn't lose any fingers that time, but he did bleed all over the kitchen (which made the oven jealous). The dishwasher was happy with the outcome.

As for the current toast situation, all the appliances wondered what the dishwasher had in store for Greg.

"Why don't you put the cold butter through the electric meat grinder? That way, it'll get nice and soft."

"Hey, thanks dishwasher," Greg said. "That's a good idea."

"Just make sure you push it down with your fingers," the dishwasher added. "It's softer that way."


"Yes. Really."

Unfortunately, Greg trusted the dishwasher.