One of my main problems (well, other people call it a problem, I prefer to think of it as a lifestyle choice) in college was procrastination. I was a world heavyweight champ two semesters running for procrastination. If procrastinators are uniting tomorrow, I'm showing up next week. For better or worse, living a life of extreme putting-offness (I was a theatre major, bitches—if Shakespeare can invent hundreds of new words, so can I!) has taught me many things, a few of which I have decided to share with you today (although no one is judging if you don't finish this ‘til tomorrow).

1. You can lie to yourself quite convincingly.

Your average procrastinator is a master of deceiving him or herself. And just imagine, if that's what your average procrastinator can do, what can a master procrastinator do? Change reality to fit their view? Holy shit, I think we just discovered how politicians are created.

Moving on. You have to be able to lie to yourself in order to put things off for any length of time. The two biggest lies I tell myself are, "I have two weeks to do the work, I can easily get it done later," and, "One all-nighter isn't going to wipe me out for classes tomorrow, I'll be fine." The ironic part is that I instinctively know these things aren't true. Whenever I hear somebody say either one, I add them to the list of people who will be working for me someday.

College student pulling an all-nighter

I guess there's just something about doing things yourself that shuts off all of your brain's smart parts. You may be a rational thinker when you're not doing anything, but get a new project or homework assignment and suddenly your conscience turns into a better liar than Johnny Cochran (Ooh! Too soon? Huh?).

2. Your entire brain becomes more open-minded to pop culture.

When you make the time-honored decision to do something later, it's usually because of a strange thing I call the "Rocky Horror Effect." When you have something important that needs to get done, you suddenly realize that all of those crappy TV shows and bad songs you normally ignore deserve a second shot. I will watch the entirety of "How I Fucked Your Mother" (that is what the show's called, right? I don't get out much) before I will sack up and finish my damned English paper already.

I'm sure the scenario is familiar to you. How many times have you needed to do something only to be distracted by absolutely everything? Why only today I needed to pick up some of my cat's poop off the floor but I kept getting sucked into the book series I'm currently reading (The Morganville Vampires). But as I finished that I got some tissues and picked up the poop…. No wait, I jerked off into those tissues. Then I played Candy Crush on my phone for an hour or so before helping myself to a bowl of cereal. Then I decided to write this article.

Note: The Rocky Horror Picture Show has nothing to do with this effect. I just like the name.

3. Not sleeping will fuck you up.

Let's get this on the table right now: we need sleep. All of us. No matter how much of a badass you are, going for an extended period of time without sleeping is going to seriously screw with your head. You'll be exhausted, slower, unmotivated, only able to masturbate five times a minute before stopping… it's really not pretty.

Not to mention that not sleeping can play hell with your capability for rational thought. I was out walking the other day after being awake for thirty plus hours and I swear to Cthulhu I saw Slender Man. Just standing in the middle of the road, staring at me. I blinked, rubbed my eyes, and even looked away and back again. Nope, still there. I don't walk so much at night anymore.

4. You can accomplish miracles under pressure.

Despite the many problems that come with choosing a procrastatorial lifestyle (I told you, Shakespeare), I've found that some of my best work comes when I'm only a half hour from a deadline. It's pretty awesome, actually. I can write 10-minute plays in 45 minutes so long as it's due in my next playwriting class. Normally I spend anywhere from five hours to a week on just one.

So no matter what many well-meaning but sadly misinformed professors would have you believe, you most certainly can finish that project the night before. You know what they say, a little pressure and a lot of caffeine makes… coffee-flavored diamonds? Shut up! I'm really tired right now! I stayed up late last night so I could put off doing the dishes!

Update: As of now, the cat poop has been picked up off the floor thanks to my roommate's not-so-thinly-veiled threats.