It seems like just yesterday you were in kindergarten…
Now you work at Best Buy.

When it comes to getting older
There’s really nothing funny to say.

If I could do it all over again there’s only one thing I’d change…
I wouldn’t marry you.

You’re perfect just the way you are.
Smoking weed and playing GTA on the couch.

When you wish upon a star
Nothing happens.

A wise man once said, “Don’t count the years, make the years count.”
He also died.

Top 10 Signs You’re Getting Older
You look like shit ten days in a row.

Remember when there were only three channels and we played records?
Great, no one cares.

Because you know me inside and out and you still love me, I have only one question…

Every step you take on the path of life…
Brings you closer to death.

Loving you is the best part of my life.
Sad, I know.

Remember when you were little and wished you looked older?
It worked for sure, big time, nice job.

Being single isn’t always wonderful
But it’s always better than being with you.

It’s a miracle!
That god would let someone like you have children.

I hear you've got triplets!
Jesus Christ, I’m so sorry.

You’re a big sister now!
No, they can’t return him.

Don’t think of it as getting older
Think of it as dying.

Husband, I’ve been touched by your love.
Now I take three antidepressants.

Remember, father knows best…
How to destroy a family.

Once upon a time a person was born who was destined to change the world…
It wasn’t you.

It’s the journey not the destination.
Thank god, because you’re going nowhere.

For my sister on your birthday…
I wish we didn’t hate each other but hey, what are you gonna do?