I want to meet the asshole who decided that an ill-fitting polo with pleated khaki pants would somehow be the outfit most conducive to a productive workplace. Then I want to give him a swift kick in the balls.

As if it wasn't bad enough that most of America will be forced to spend the most productive 40 years of their life in a cubicle, they all have to look the same, too? Why? It's not even like there's some stylish advantage to business casual, because most of you who dress in accordance with the code look like shit when you do it anyway.

So maybe it's because they think if we all look professional, we'll act professional. Right? Sounds like a decent enough argument. The problem with it, though, is that business casual isn't all that professional. It's like whoever thought this was a good idea got about halfway there in the thought process, then decided to take a dump and call it a day.

So since business casual is only "half professional" looking, I think the stupid companies that force their employees to dress like that should only expect them to do half of their work.

But what's worse than them all looking the same is that they all start acting the same. If you've worked in any office long enough, I guarantee you'll have this conversation with a co-worker.

(Location: Water cooler)

Guy: Heyyyy, how was your weekend, Ace?

You: Ohhhh you know, real busy, but lots of fun. Ohhh yeah, lots of fun. It was good, though.

Guy: Yeahhhh, too bad it's Monday, am I right? Gosh, wish the weekends were just a tad longer. Wouldn't that be great? Yeahhhh.

You: Well I should get back to work. Lot's of stuff to get going on. Take care!

WHAT THEY'RE REALLY SAYING:

Listen, my life is mediocre at best. I didn't do dick this weekend because while I was at happy hour last Friday bitching about my pathetic life, I drank way too much of my paycheck away into a hangover. Then I couldn't afford to go out for the rest of the weekend and my wife complained day and night until I cleaned the garage.

And when I just told you that I was going back to my desk to get work done, I lied. I'm actually going back to my desk to watch stupid ass videos on YouTube, like that one that teaches me how to Supaman That Ho. Chances are, I'll come back here in 20 minutes for more water, then wander into the men's room to make a phone call just so I can waste time and get closer to punching out at 5:00 p.m.

And wouldn't you know it. Time to go!

Join comedy classes at The Second City: Standup Joke Writing starts Jan 25 and Writing Satire for the Internet starts Feb 29. Use code "PIC" for 10% off by phone.