I've fallen for this trick before. I'm not ashamed. I've been duped by stupid people and it'll probably happen again. I've made this mistake on multiple occasions. It's likely anybody reading this has as well. The mistake I am referring to is what's called "the benefit of the doubt."

It's that initial trust I give the Philadelphia Phillies front office, Aaron Sorkin, or a woman I don't know who has a nice smile. When they present me with something, be it a trade, movie, teevee show or new information, I accept it without question. I do this because I want to like what comes next. I wanted Adam Eaton to magically transform himself from an awful major league baseballer into a fantastic one. I wanted Studio 60 to be a great show. I really wanted Heather to be an interesting person. But it turns out there's no Easter Bunny and 2Pac isn't coming out with any new albums. It's just the pains of growing up and learning shit.

The sad part about giving Jesus the benefit of the doubt was that just as the dude earned it he took advantage of our trust.We've all been in this situation. You meet somebody, they're great, and you like seemingly everything about them. It could last a few weeks or even a few months and you walk around asking yourself, "Where is the other shoe?" Then, how should I put this…new information starts to trickle out. Remember when she said, "I'm just a very independent person. When my boyfriend wants to hang out with his friends, I think that's great. I have my own life." Hearing that sounds like music to the ears of anybody who has dated anybody ever. You think, "Great! That's so awesome that she feels that way." Yeah, about that…it's less of a true thing and much more of a thing she knows guys want to hear and isn't at all true even a little bit. This is the recurring problem. You can't believe what people tell you. You can't go around giving away the benefit of the doubt willy-nilly.

One might even go so far as to suggest that giving the benefit of the doubt to anybody is a bad idea. Don't think so? Need evidence? Oh, let's choose a source at random…I don't know…how about the mother fucking BIBLE? That's right, kids. You can't even give the son of God the benefit of the doubt because he will make a sucker out of you and yours just like that vapid Heather who says she's 5'5" but she's really 5'3" and a half and she knows it.

The sad part about giving Jesus the benefit of the doubt was that just as the dude earned it he took advantage of our trust. Everybody said he couldn't walk on water—BOOM. Everybody said he couldn't turn a few fish into a lot of fish—BOOM. Everybody was all like, "Jesus can't heal the sick cause he's a poor, stupid douche," what happened? BOOM. That's what happened. All of a sudden, Jesus had fewer doubters. Dude's proof was in the puddin', so to speak. So, when he dies and comes back three days later everybody just kinda assumes if he says he's gonna do something then it'll probably happen. Seems like he's got a track record of coming through on some utterly ridiculous shit. So he's earned the benefit, right?

Wrong. Few weeks later, guy just up and leaves. He's all like, "I made my followers speak a bunch of languages so I'm gonna take a break. Don't worry, though, I'll totally be back real soon." Yeah, about that…2000 years later—where the fuck's he at? You know the conversation when you hook up with somebody you have no intention of ever speaking to again?

"Oh, yeah, uh, I don't think I got your number…"

"You didn't? Weird…."

"So, I'll just put my number in your pho–"

"Yeah—I'll jus– you know, I can just Facebook you or whatever…"


"So I'll just do that. (long pause) Welp, I'll call to ya."

"But you don't have my num…..(door slams)..ber?"

It's a sleazy conversation, it's offensively douchy and rude. I, however, choose to take solace in the fact that Jesus did that to every single Christian who ever lived. I like to think of him doing it specifically to Pope Pius X, who was kind of a prick.

Pope Pius X: So, listen, you said you'd call and…I dunno…I just wondered why you haven't been by lately.

Jesus: Oh, man. You know, I've just– man, it's just been so busy around here lately. Dad's trying to learn Twitter and instead he just keeps making really bad hurricanes. I just haven't had a lot of time.

Pope Pius X: Well, I mean, you said…you said you'd come back. Like, a while ago.

Jesus: Did I– I mean—I said that? That's so weird. I totally am blanking on all of that.

Pope Pius X: Yeah. (beat) We kind of created a whole…thing…based on, ya know, you saying that.

Jesus: Well, I've got your email. I'll give you a heads up when I'm gonna be around. Oh, Pope, brah, I gotta go. Moses brought over some Jack and the boxing gloves, I got Andrew W.K. on the iPod, tonight is gonna be SICK! (hangs up)

Pope Pius X: Okay, Jesus. I love– I love you.

Moral of the story here is, give nobody the benefit of the doubt. Because, is the person you're giving it to better than Jesus? Probably not. If you can't trust Jesus, you sure as shit can't trust that vapid Heather.