Now that my generation is coming of age and starting to produce offspring, I am noticing a disturbing trend: I click on my "Friend Suggestions" on Facebook and I see an array of mushy, round heads with huge, glossy eyes. The last names are always familiar, but I know I didn't go to college with these people because the people in question are fucking babies.

Babies should not have Facebook accounts for the following reasons:

1. Babies have poor vision and cannot differentiate between language characters (i.e. English, Japanese, Arabic characters, etc.). Therefore, Facebook is utterly useless to them.

2. Not only are babies unaware what a social networking site is, they also don't know what a face is—or a book for that matter.

3. Babies have a very poor capacity for critical thinking and therefore cannot be expected to elect their friends, pick a religious or political affiliation, or decide if they are going to become a fan of "Beer Pong" or "Rainy Days."

4. Internet social networking is generally used to supplement authentic physical human networking. Babies, however, have virtually no faculty for making or being anyone's friend or colleague. Everyone knows that babies are horrible friends.

5. Babies are very stupid people, mainly because they are babies. Besides, there are enough stupid people on Facebook.