1. Project a tough image so that people don't mess with you.
Even if you're not really a tough person, you need to make people think you are. Otherwise, they will take advantage of you. The next time you drive your 2001 Buick Skylark down the road, make sure you have the windows down with Phil Collins blasting on the radio. As you drive past those "mean-looking" road construction workers, shout:
"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT… MOTHERFUCKERS!!"
They won't be messing with you any time in the near future, that's for sure.
2. Drive slowly behind cyclists while loudly playing the song "I'll Be Watching You" by Sting.
I'll be watching you…
Every breath you take…
Every move you make…
I'll be watching you…
3. Walk in between couples who are holding hands.
I don't know about you, but I don't like it when people show signs of love or affection towards one another. (Yes, I know…I need help.)
But let's face it, most couples who hold hands or engage in public displays of affection probably don't like each other anyway. Secretly, they're really bored with each other, and their PDA is nothing more than a deceptive mask they wear every day that ironically fools only them into thinking they actually love each other. So take it upon yourself to end their foolish little high school game, and walk in between them. DIVIDE THEIR LOVE!!
And if it turns out they DO actually like each other…well, fuck it…walk in between them anyway. It's fun.
4. Sniff magic markers before interacting with your boss.
I'm sure we all know that being called into the boss's office is rather intimidating. Chances are you did something wrong, you're being evaluated, or you're about to get a heavier workload. Either way, it's not fun. However, it's never a good idea to be timid or show signs of weakness in front of your boss.
The next time you have a scheduled meeting with your boss, spend the afternoon sniffing magic markers. Not only will this reduce your anxiety, it may also boost your confidence.
The last time my boss wanted to see me, I sniffed so many magic markers that I walked into his office believing I was the reincarnation of Genghis Khan. I sat down in the chair across from his desk beaming with confidence and bravery. I don't remember anything after that, but I did wake up in a hospital in some town I had never been to before.
Regardless, I'm pretty sure the meeting went well.
5. Work on perfecting better pick-up lines at bars (for guys).
Guys, we really do need to come up with better pick-up lines. The next time you see a lovely young woman at a bar…be brave. Pick up your drink, sit next to her, and say the following:
"Hi there. I'm terribly sorry for bothering you, but I couldn't help noticing just how lovely you are. I hope this doesn't seem like a rude question or anything, but I was wondering if you would like to come home with me later tonight and help me shave off my back hair. It's been growing out of control lately, and I can't seem to find anyone to help me shave it off. I tried to shave it off myself, but I ended up bleeding all over the place."
6. Work on perfecting better pick-up lines at bars (for ladies).
Ladies, you are not off the hook on that last one. You also need to develop better pick-up lines. Whether you are a man or a woman, communicating with the opposite sex requires thought, skill, and carefully selected words.
The next time you're in a bar and you spot some handsome gentlemen you wish to entice and leave spellbound, walk over to him gracefully and say the following:
7. If you're going to lecture family members about the dangers of smoking, at least make it interesting.
If you're a smoker like me, I'm sure that you've been scolded by older family members and relatives at least 10,000 times about your bad habit. And it always begins with someone saying: "Did I tell you about ‘so-and-so' who smoked?"
This is when you begin to groan inside because you know where the story is going. They're going to tell you about some other family member who died painfully from cancer or some other smoking-related health problem.
You want nothing more than to angrily say: "NO! WHAT HAPPENED TO ‘SO-AND-SO' WHO SMOKED? …DID HE WIN THE LOTTERY AND THEN GET CARRIED AWAY INTO HEAVEN BY BIG-BREASTED ANGELS WHO FONDLED HIS BALLS UNTIL THE END OF TIME?"
But you can't do that. It's not an option. You have to endure the horrible and predictable story and then feel ashamed afterwards.
However, when you get older… if you get older… and if you're going to lecture your family members and relatives about smoking… at least make it interesting.
Uncle Wesley: I see you've lit up a cigarette there, Jack.
Nephew Jack: (looking down) Yes, Uncle Wesley, I did.
Uncle Wesley: Did I ever tell you about an old neighbor of mine who used to smoke?
Nephew Jack: (groaning) No, Uncle Wesley, you didn't?
Uncle Wesley: He was a pretty heavy smoker just like you, young man. Do you know how old he was when he died?
Nephew Jack: Arghhh… how old was he?
Uncle Wesley: He was 98 years old.
Nephew Jack: Huh…?
Uncle Wesley: Yep, we all tried to warn him, but he just kept on smoking and smoking and smoking.
Nephew Jack: Wait, you said he was…
Uncle Wesley: Hold on, I'm not finished with my story.
Nephew Jack: Sorry…
Uncle Wesley: Do you know what happened to him after years and years of lighting up one cigarette after another?
Nephew Jack: No… what happened…?
Uncle Wesley: He was masturbating in the middle of the street one evening when he got hit by a drunk driver who was transporting a truck-load of retarded, screaming monkeys from one side of the state to the other. The impact sent him flying through the air like a rag doll, and he was impaled on a white picket fence across the street.
Nephew Jack: Oh my God!
Uncle Wesley: Yep… true story. So there he was with his pants down and a fence board coming out of his chest. The truck driver just drove away, and nobody else saw the accident… so he was stuck there for a really long time. Vultures eventually ate his eyeballs out and—
Nephew Jack: —Uncle Wesley… I don't see what this story has to do with smoking.
Uncle Wesley: Oh….Wait. I told the wrong story.
Nephew Jack: ???
Uncle Wesley: Hey, can I bum one of those cigarettes?