By staff writer Tyler Haggard
This will be my second year living in the dorms of my beloved university. Well, it'll be my 1.5th year if you count the fact that I was evicted halfway through last year. But, if you count that, you're probably an asshole anyway who’s gonna get what's coming to you, so fuck off.
Anyone who has never left the bosom of their parent's guardianship and headed off to The College probably doesn't know shit about how a dorm room is properly furnished, or what to bring to a dorm room to ensure maximum comfort and sanity. Well, that's where The Dude comes in. Here's a list, for I like lists, and you do to. Read on!
1. SOMEWHERE TO HIDE YOUR WEED.
Don't make my mistake, kids. If you smoke, and studies show that 100% of all cool, savvy, and attractive college students do, then PLEASE make sure you have some place to stash your… stash… when the 5-0 comes a-knockin'. Even if you're one of those fucking losers who will never get laid who doesn't smoke weed, chances are you enjoy an illicit alcoholic beverage every now and then. And if you don't do that, then you undoubtedly have a veritable cornucopia of animal/child pornography that would be quite a task to explain away if it fell into the wrong hands. Regardless of your illegal vice, it is of chief priority for you to have some place to stow away your unmentionables in the kind of situation where unmentionables are called to be stowed.
Proper places for storage include, but are not limited to: air conditioning vents, trap doors, hollowed out backs of electronic devices (laptops non-applicable), secret safes hidden by a painting of a sailing ship, your asshole (condom preferred but not necessary).
2. A FUTON.
Also known as the flip'n'fuck, the futon can be a valuable dorm room accessory for a number of reasons. Three numbers, in fact. First, as the moniker would suggest, a futon can go to TV-watchin-seat to vertical tango pad in a hot (and bothered?) minute. Second, most futons are cheap, so when they break (and they will), there's no reason to fret; just tear it down, throw the scrap metal on a nearby train track, and keep an eye on the local news for hilarious results! Bonus points if you derail a passenger train carrying orphans to new, happy homes. Third, they allow the room to have a sort of “phantom” third bed. There's… there's really nothing funny about that.
3. YOUR POSTED SCHEDULE, IN PLAIN VIEW FOR YOUR ROOMMATE TO SEE.
I masturbate, and chances are, you do too.
Bear with me here.
Now, with that out in the open, I will also surmise that most people prefer to feed the monkey when others are not around. I am, of course, excluding Pee Wee Herman, whose light-hearted yet slightly terrifying brand of comedy could not cover up the fact that he likes to whip Russell The Love Muscle out in front of youngsters.
If you live in the dorms, and this post is pretty fucking obviously about that subject, then it is moreover logical to assume that you have a roommate, and, due to the nature of two people's class schedules, they will be out of the room at some times that you are in it, and vice versa. LET ME FURTHER DEDUCE that this is often the time that you will choose to rub one out.
Now, if you can memorize your roommate's schedule, fine. Go to the next point on my list, and let us forget that you were ever here. But since most of us cannot commit another's schedule to memory, be it due to laziness or chronic alcohol abuse (my personal favorite), it would be wise for you to both be kind enough to post your schedules in plain view for the other person to see. That way, you don't have to guess whether your roommate is out for a bite to eat or whether they are in class, which can oftentimes mean the difference between giving yourself a hand or having to save it for the library later that night. Also, this can help to avoid the dreaded walk-in (on either side, mind you), which I shall not speak of, for the sake of the children.
Oh, and a posted schedule can probably have other benefits to the roommates and yourself, but I doubt that any of them areas important as manual orgasm. ‘Cept gettin' caught up in some poontang. B'yah.
Earplugs can come in handy if 1) you can't stand to hear your fucking roommate gab on and on about their day and how shitty their lunch was or why $20 keeps disappearing from their wallet about every week, right around the time you go get your pot, 2) if you live on a hall, and the noise that your hallmates make, usually one in particular, is slowly but surely driving you toward the point of justifiable homicide, 3) if you've somehow angered Poseidon and are living under constant threat of hyper-pressurized seas spontaneously rising against you (goggles and scuba gear also recommended), or 4) if your brain has started to leak out your ears.
5. A CHAINSAW.
6. A RUG, ORIENTAL OR OTHERWISE.
A wiser man than myself once had a rug stolen. Whereby someone asked him about the merits of said floor covering, he merely said, “It really tied the room together.” This could not be further from the false.
A well-placed rug can make all the difference between a shit-hole dorm room and a full-fledged bachelor pad, ready to receive any number of ladies who are ready to receive any number or lewd sexual acts. A rug can trap otherwise-obvious dirt on the floor, compliment the décor of a room, and, most importantly, soak up spilt liquor and beer (which, if you are any kind of college student, there should me much of this). Moreover, if you search hard enough on Craigslist, a good rug is not hard to come by. In fact, my roommate Tim and I bought a rug today from a couple of relocating lezbos for $50, and the damn thing covers the entire floor of our room. Sure, I had to jew them down on the price, but that is expected in such internet-meets-personal dealings nowadays.
Also, if greaseball gangster movies have taught us anything, it’s that rugs are the ideal fabric to wrap up dead bodies for dumping, and that’s a skill even the most reserved of homicidal college students should utilize.
After these illustrious selections on improving dorm life, I’m sure that the more astute of you readers out there can get the gears turning and come up with a few ideas of your own. If not, drink a few glasses of bourbon, and the ideas will invariably start flowing. How do you think I get the creative juices a-juicing?