If you’re like most of us here at StarStalker Magazine, you’ve got an unfathomable emptiness deep within your being that has you contemplating suicide on a daily basis as it’s clearly the only way you’ll ever put an end to the horrific emotional pain and loneliness that make your every waking moment a living hell.
But don’t despair! The new TV season is upon us, and that means tons of great entertainment to distract you from that nagging voice in your head that keeps begging you to end it, end it already.
Here’s a quick guide to the most anticipated new shows coming our way.
1. Keeping Up With the Non-Kardashians (E!)
This reality series follows the lives, loves, triumphs and failures of everybody in the country who isn’t a Kardashian, plus a few Kardashians as well.
2. Red Agent Orange (FX)
From the producers of The Americans, this chilling spy drama imagines a present-day United States in which the President, who suffers from a rare white-people’s disease that turns his skin a grotesque orange hue, is actually operating under orders from the Russian government. Good thing it’s totally fictional!
3. Get Us Out Of This Goddamn Tiny House (HGTV)
Tiny houses are fun to build, but are they any fun to live in? The answer, as this reality series proves, is HELL NO. Each episode follows a different family as they come to grips with their foolish decision to move into a house that’s clearly too small for prolonged human occupancy and embark on the journey back to living like normal freaking Americans again.
4. Playing Modern Classical Piano with the Stars (ABC)
Hosted by avant-garde British composer Thomas Adès, this spinoff of Dancing with the Stars follows the same format, only instead of dancing, celebrity contestants compete by playing challenging piano pieces written by contemporary composers such as Carl Vine, Unsuk Chin, Dobrinka Tabakova and Angélica Negrón. Considering the American public’s ravenous appetite for dissonant harmonies, complex rhythms, and atonality, PMCPWTS is as close to a surefire hit as it gets.
5. The Return of the Fear of the Walking Dead (AMC)
This franchise refuses to die, kind of like a… well, we can’t think of an apt simile, but nonetheless this franchise just won’t die!
6. Dumpster Diving with Guy Fieri (Food Network)
The popular chef celebrates his recent conversion to a Freegan lifestyle with this new show, nicknamed “Double D.” Each episode brings Fieri to a different dumpster, where he shows the audience how to pick through garbage to cobble together a delicious, sustainable meal that’s “totally off the food chain.”
7. The Handyman’s Tale (Hulu)
Conceived as a counterpoint to The Handmaid’s Tale, this drama is set in a near-future America in which men are forced to treat women as equals. As women seize control of half of all government and corporate leadership, society is thrust into an age of fairness, prosperity, peace and harmony the likes of which it has never seen. We experience this strange new world from the perspective of John, the titular handyman who works happily at an upstate New York Planned Parenthood clinic for a fair wage with excellent benefits.
8. Cry With Us (NBC)
Break out the Kleenex, we hear this drama is the most emotionally manipulative and cloyingly sentimental show ever produced. You had us at “Cry!”
9. NCIS: NSFW (CBSAD)
Ever wonder what those sexy NCIS agents get up to behind closed doors? Wonder no more, sailors. This spinoff, part of CBS’s new pay channel CBSAD (the AD stands for “After Dark”), promises viewers an NCIS that’s “too hot for network TV.” We say, “Aye aye, sir!”
10. DC Superheroes Fighting Villains and Blowing Shit Up (USA)
We’re not quite sure what to expect from this new series featuring characters from the DC Universe, but you can bet your best pair of superhero tights we’ll be tuning in!
11. Twin Peaks: Yet Again (SHO)
Some people think David Lynch is a genius. Others think he’s an idiot. This season of his iconic show will give us the definitive answer once and for all.
12. Science is Rad! (PBS)
Hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson, this show sets out to convince kids that science isn’t boring, it’s actually an exciting, practical way of looking at the natural world around us and brijjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj—oops, we dozed off there for a second. Science!
13. The World Series of Baseball (FOX)
The championship series of an obscure professional “sport” that features men in tight pants chewing things, spitting in the dirt and slapping each other’s bottoms.
14. Canadian Horror Story (FX)
When a small town in Saskatchewan runs out of donuts, the townsfolk become mildly irritated and slightly less polite than normal. Our spines are already tingling!
15. American Horror Story (ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, FNC, CNN, CNBC, MSNBC, Bloomberg, various regional channels)
It’s everybody’s favorite show—the news! And whether it’s real or fake, it’s by far the most terrifying thing on television.
Happy Fall viewing!