BROWN, EMILY, 19, finally succumbed to respiratory failure from the pneumonia she caught as a rebellious teen walking to school with wet hair on a winter morning. Her mother remained at her side during her final days, admirably resisting the urge to utter the words, “I told you so.”

TURNER, JOHNNY, 21, tragically drowned when his muscles instantly seized up after cannon-balling into the pool. He had apparently refused to wait the required thirty minutes after devouring his lunch.

SMITH, THEODORE, 32, accidentally stabbed himself in the heart. An avid coupon clipper, his life expired when he tripped and fell while running with scissors.

WILLIAMS, FRANK, 44, died due to complications from his crippling arthritis. As a youngster, he had a compulsive need to crack his knuckles, and eventually, every joint in his body.

GALLANT, LISA, 21, died on the commode from a brain aneurysm. She was trying to pass a massive blob of bubble gum that had been stuck in her colon for seven whole years. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to the National Colonoscopy Center of Gum Tumor Awareness.

JONES, STEPHEN, 29, was found dead in his home from an apparent overdose of sugar. After a childhood deprived of anything sweet, he developed an uncontrollable sugar addiction. Fueled by a week-long bender, he became so hyperactive that he turned into a human tornado and spontaneously combusted.

MOORE, AMY, 42, perished when she fell into an open manhole. She had unfortunately refused to heed her guide dog’s warning, just as she had her mother’s endless refrain: “Sitting too close to the television will render you cross-eyed and blind.”

WALSH, DARREN, 34, went to a better place after a long, brave battle with cancer. Years of staring at his ancient, radiation-leaking microwave to ensure his popcorn didn’t burn had scrambled his DNA and fried his brain. Darren will be laid to rest several hundred miles away from the microwave’s hazardous burial site.

JENKINS, CHASE, 32, A.K.A. “Frozen-Face Chase,” crashed and burned after shooting himself from a cannon. Chase was a circus sideshow icon, famous for the twisted grimace he had worn since the age of ten after making a face at his older sister. His distraught mother said, “If only he had listened to me, he never would have run away, joined the circus, and pursued the daredevil lifestyle that did him in.”

GARCIA, PAUL, 28, was welcomed into the kingdom of heaven after being hit by a bus. Swilling coffee in his youth had stunted his growth to just shy of four feet, so short that the bus driver didn’t see him crossing the road.

MILLER, JESSICA, 25, passed away in her sleep, strangled by her own hair. Her estranged mother explained, “Jessica was obsessed with removing every follicle of hair from her body, but the more she shaved, the thicker, darker, and coarser the hair grew back. I cautioned her repeatedly, but it fell on deaf ears until eventually I didn’t recognize her anymore.” Mrs. Miller is now dedicating her life to educating today’s youth about the truth of their mothers’ warnings.