Saturday, April 19

"I don't know if being all that you can be is jumping out of a helicopter and eating breakfast out of your helmet."
-On joining the Army

"I don't believe in the Pythagorean Theorem. Why? I'm Catholic!"
-On mysterious exclusions

"It would be perfectly legitimate if there were another paper-eating culture out there..."
-On seals of approval

"Altruism is really just egoism in drag."
-On gay help

"...paintings by Rafael, Leonardo, Michelangelo--before they became turtles!"
-On art history

"When they think of pacifism, they think of someone who just sits at home and contemplates his navel."
-On sub-par intelligence

"You're nuts, you're Captain Wackencrackers!"
-This was said at least 4 times in the course of the quarter

"I'm sure that you have all met someone who has techne rationality up the kazoo, but as a human being, they are a flaming asshole!"
-Introducing a new philosophy term

Thursday, April 17

Nate (a Jew): Great lunchtime conversation, guys. The Holocaust, Bay Area sports, the Sonics debacle, and the state of American politics. And now I have to go pay my credit card bill.
James: Yeah, and for the Jews, that's basically the worst thing in the world.
-The pain of the chosen people
UCLA School of Law

Prof K: I have something for ya'll.
Linds: Monkeys?!
Prof K: Yes. There is a trailer full of chimps parked outside...
-On predictable gifts (not even kidding?)
Southern Methodist University

Andrew: Texas is the best state in the country.
Justin: Texas sucks. We won you in a war. Now go get me a beer.
-Discussing who's home state was better
University of Mississippi

"You know what sex is. I tell you it'll make your eyes roll back in your head...and it doesn't. So because I happen to be bad at what I do, suddenly it's rape? You consented to sex, but you didn't consent to bad sex?"
-Professor Gilkes, getting sidetracked during assault and battery
University of the West Indies

"I'd love to go up against Gilkes. Well, not really, but it'd be fun to see a bald man try to tear his hair out."
-Ari, on the ideal professor matchup
University of the West Indies

John: I found out this girl is a pretty big whore so I need to find out how to get her to leave me alone.
Brett: Just tell her that she's a gutterwhore and she sucks at life.
Random girl listening in: Don't be mean!
Brett: What? Whores aren't real people. They don't have feelings.
-Discussing a text message at a bar
University of Mississippi

"But in Linneker, where the prostitute had sex with the guy, he refused to pay and she charged him with rape...wouldn't that be larceny?"
-Ari, always creative
University of the West Indies

Wednesday, April 16

Luke: Okay, besides the ones with a girlfriend, I get laid the most among the roommates!
Scott: No, I have that title down, I have Diana and Mariah - both are ugly but I bang them whenever I want.
Andy: Actually Nick probably gets laid the most out of the single roommates, he's always fucking Sara.
Luke: So wait... FUCK!! I get laid the least in this house?! Goddamnit give me a beer.
-On slow defeat
Southern Illinois University at Carbondale

Linds: Dad, I can't believe your god-daughter is pregnant!
Linds' Dad: Well, fuck, Linds! I didn't do it!
-Removing any doubts
Southern Methodist University

Alonzo: I drank a six-pack of Smirnoff on the ride to New Orleans this weekend.
John: Why would you do that?
Brett: That's sorta gay.
Alonzo: 'Cause I didn't feel like drinking beer.
John: What?!
Brett: I guess that's the only thing that gets the taste of dick out of his mouth.
-On rinse aids
University of Mississippi

Andrea: If I get that song stuck in my head and can't fall asleep because of it...I will murder you.
Molly: That's why I have my pepper spray. To protect myself.
Andrea: That's why I have my Ambien...to forget my life.
Seattle University

Luke: Quick! What's the biggest state in the U.S.?
Nick: Uh... Texas! ...No wait, it would be Mexico wouldn't it?
Luke: ...You are a fucking idiot!
-During a short road trip
Southern Illinois University at Carbondale

Rachel: I don't know why all these people are dressing up for the llama. It's like weird, and I've seen so many hippies walking around too. And some Christian protesters... I guess they really don't like cloning.
Jamie: Umm...WHAT?
Rachel: Yeah, you know like Dolly is the llama that they cloned and some people got mad.
Jamie: No... the Dali Lama is a person and of great significance. You should probably wikipedia that shit.
-After seeing Indian dressed people walking into the Kohl Center to see the Dali Lama
University of Wisconsin

"This will be the only day we get out early, so go have fun, do what you like. If you do drugs, do them today, because you won't have time for them for the rest of the quarter."
-Professor Dombrowski, on getting things out of the way early
Seattle University

"You know that movie The Passion of Christ? I just saw it and hated it. The ending was so predictable."
-Ben, after a long night of drinking
University of Mississippi