Friday, December 28

"Who is this Emily girl you and Joe always talk about? It BETTER not be me."
-Emily, wondering why Joe and Zack always joke about "Emily's" legs being wide open all day...referring to a wireless internet connection that they were stealing named "Emily"
University of Akron

"Dude you can tell tonight was fun. Why else would I be leaning over the only toilet in the bathroom with somebody else's shit stain in it?"
-Hunter, going past his limit into uncharted territory
University of Texas

Nader: Do you know that there's an actual show that talks about various lakes in Ontario? Who the hell would like that?
Bronwyn: There're probably some people who think it's really awesome.
Nader: ...They don't have TVs.
-On untapped markets
University of Western Ontario

"I've got a tattoo...it's on my dick and it says Welcome to Mississippi."
-Zack during a tattoo conversation
University of Akron

"I could say that I've never jumped off a roof with an umbrella hoping to float down--but I'd be lying."
-Mnky, high and reminiscing upon his previous Jackass-like stunts
Warren Wilson College

"Dude, I could also use a cigar. I just want to do all sorts of illicit things with you! Well, not all."
-Leeny, curbing her enthusiasm
Seattle University

Ray: I tell you, it's a curse having a big penis!
Ian: It's a curse?
Greg: How so?
Ray: No, I mean, its a curse when people KNOW about it and WANT IT.
-Discussing manhood in the car
Wayne State University

Mnky: Life is one big enchilada and we're the cheese. Wait... no, Jon, you're the beans, I'M the cheese. Nicole, you're the sauce. Marty, you're the tortilla. Tommy's the meat.
Jon: NO, I'm the beans, that means I'M the meat.
Mnky: Where do beans come from?
Nicole: Jack.
Jon: Haha. Jack's Magic Beans.
Mnky: Does that mean Jack's your daddy?
-Trying to figure out their place in the world
Warren Wilson College

John: Everyone has their price.
Owen: I don't.
Hank: Hell, for 2 million dollars and an iPod, I'd suck some dick.
Mark: Yeah, I'd take a shot in the mouth for that much.
Owen: ......
-Unpleasant dinner conversation
Virginia Tech University

"Let's get tropical in this motherfucker."
-Tom, blazed, suggesting that they turn on the shower to wash out the ash
Florida State University

Wednesday, December 26

“Huh... Wal-Mart is closed on Christmas Day. I guess cancer does take a day off.”
-Mike, on consumer remission
University of Nebraska

Joshua: Shanna called.
Kaela: She's probably calling to tell me how Steve is still smoking crack and fucking 16-year-olds.
Joshua: Want some fries?
-ADHD at it's finest
Winona State University

"No! He's too gay to be off-limits. OH SHIT!"
-Richard, straight and being hit on by gay Crispy
Del Mar College

AJ: I think I should buy a movie for me and her to watch...
Ryan: What kind of movie you gonna get?
AJ: I think a scary one would be good for tonight.
Zack: Get Beerfest, she'll be scared of that one.
-AJ, trying to pick out a movie for his girlfriend who never drinks
University of Akron

"I relate knowing him to the seven stages of grief."
-Sheri, on difficult friends
University of California, Irvine

Aileen: We’ll have no reason to leave the house because we’ll have each other. We’ll never leave! Except maybe to get strippers. Male, of course.
Molly: No, we’ll have them come to the house.
Aileen: I’ll order out.
Molly: Yeah, well, something tells me they’ll be eating in.
-On moving in together
Seattle University

"Close your eyes, and pick a prize!"
-Zack, getting into bed with a random girl while holding a crate full of assorted condoms
University of Akron

Katie: So what do you do?
Figgy: I jerk off a lot.
Katie: Beautiful.
-On self-defining moments
Iowa State University