Monday, December 24

Kaitlyn: I'm one of those people who eats their feelings. When Matt broke up with me I ate a whole roll of cookie dough.
Nikki: So how do you explain all the other times you ate a whole roll of cookie dough.
Kaitlyn: I said I eat my FEELINGS. Not just my sad feelings... ALL my feelings.
Nikki: I think that just means you eat.
-On the Freshman 15
College of William and Mary

Shank: Well one time when I was like 7 and we were driving back from Florida I accidentally dropped my GI Joe figure out the window. I was hoping the next year as we drove down I would find it.
Shank's Mom: Well that isn't so bad. When I as 9 months pregnant with your sister, I was driving over the Brooklyn Bridge in your father's car when the muffler fell off. When I got home he asked me if I had stopped the car and gotten it. Like a 9 month pregnant woman is going to stop in the middle of a bridge and pick up a red hot muffler. It's because of that stupidness he's getting a fucking shovel this year!
-It is the thought that counts
SUNY Albany

M: Were you going to shower or are you just in here for the sex?
A: Oh.... I'm just in here for the sex!
-In the shower...one last time before winter break
Alvernia College

"I'm just happy I don't have to kill myself and blow my head off."
-Joe, on the double-positive of testing HIV-negative
University of Akron

Waitress: And what can I get you?
Blake: Your number and a pitcher of water with a straw.
-Drunk, at breakfast the morning after
Camosun College

Jason: Man, this level used to beat me all the time.
Hillary: ...Jason, this is the options menu music.
-Listening to a soundtrack in the car
Del Mar College

"I feel like snuggling up to a toasty fire wearing big fluffy slippers and sipping hot cocoa with lots and lots of marshmallows and whip cream with one hand down my pants watching movies all night."
-Joe, discussing the night's plans
University of Akron

"How'd that get in....officer, someone must have switched pants with me!"
-Adrian, after a cop found pot in his pocket
Washington State University

Friday, December 21

Julie: I dare you to shit in their food.
Terrance: I should. It would compliment the dishes that I pissed on last week.
-Getting back at his retarded roommates
Niagara College

Alan the Gentile: You're just mad because our Messiah came and you're still waiting for yours.
Rachel the Jew: Yeah, but we took care of him pretty quick.
-On Christmas celebrations
University of Wisconsin, Madison

"I think I just made peanut butter in my mouth!"
-Nikki, while eating a Nutty Buddy bar
North Shore Community College

Sam: What's a "veggie"?
Nancy: You know how when people end up in the hospital from some tragic accident and they say they're like immobile...vegetable... that's what they call like paralyzed people that are alive but are unable to move anything. VEGGIE equals boys that don't move in bed.
Sam: I don't understand how a guy cannot move in bed...what the fuck.
Nancy: I'm sorry, I am a tax paying citizen that attends an ivy league institution, I will not have some amateur veg waste my sex count.
-On stiff males
Cornell University

"Yeah, I was thinking of getting an advent calendar… but then I just ran to Walgreens and got a bigger bag of better chocolate. That’ll show all them Jesus people."
-Roxanne, explaining the benefits of atheism
University of Wisconsin, Madison

Lindsay: No, I don't want to think about Descartes Evil Demon Theory.
Kristi: No, it's true, I learned it in Philosophy. Descartes said that there is only one person and one demon.... Wow, these are the kind of stoned conversations you only have at the University of Michigan.
-Stoned and bitter
University of Michigan

Dwight: I just said I wanted cherry Coke, why can't you understand that.
Justin: Because she's a woman, and woman is synonymous with stupid.
Lori: *Glares at Justin*
Justin: And I am a man, which is synonymous with I'm sorry.
-Correctly assessing gender roles
Union University

J: You have done more drunk shameful things than anyone I know.
Darnay: It's not shameful if I'm not ashamed of it.
-Darnay, taking pride in his drunkenness
Ohio State University

Aileen: So, my professor said she would raise my grade if I sought therapy.
Molly: I'm unable to tell if it's okay for me to laugh right now.
Aileen: Go for it.
Molly: HAHAHAHA!
-On permission to laugh freely
Johnson & Wales University