Jesus may love me. My mom thinks I’m great. But everyone else…well, they think I’m a dick. For whatever reason, women are attracted to this. For a few months now, I have been picking my girlfriend’s brain to try to figure out how exactly I am a total phallus. This way, I can pass that knowledge on to all you nice guys out there so that you can finally get laid. I say it almost every week, and it still rings true: I’m here to help.

Now, if there was a literary equivalent of a drum roll, well, this is where you’d find it. But, since we all know I don’t write well enough to represent a drum roll, I will just move on to the helping of help and we can all just pretend that this paragraph transitioned us smoothly into the body of the column. Hey, it ain’t an illusion if we all see it.

"If you think a woman would leave a great lay because he occasionally forgets to return phone calls, well, you’re just fucking crazy."

Seriously, just don’t treat women like they’re special, and they will respect you for it. Hot women are used to men putting them on pedestals and worshipping their wet crotches. It drives them nuts. When they say something stupid, they want you to call them on it. When they screw up, they don’t want to be forgiven right away. They want to be screamed at (and possibly spanked). In this way, you are treating them like equals (which they seem to want men to do—most of the time, anyway.)

And because you’re not bullshitting them, they understand your honest opinion of them and of the world around them, thus shrinking the first six months of the relationship into a few weeks and allowing you to go straight into getting to know one another. For whatever reason, not treating women like they’re special makes them feel special.

If you think that’s confusing, all I can say is, strap yourself in. It gets worse.

Treat Women Like They’re Special in Bed

And by that I mean, fuck the holy hell out of them until they are half blind and drooling on an almost nightly basis, and they will never leave you. Women have put up with centuries of oppression, rape, and harassment, so if you think a woman would leave a great lay just because he occasionally forgets to return phone calls, well, you’re just fucking crazy. If you’re wondering where the joke is in this paragraph, all I can tell you is, I don’t need one. That’s how true this is.

Be Modest

Look, I know I’m great, but I never tell anyone because everyone already thinks I’m a dick. Don’t flaunt accomplishments or act like anything is a big deal. She just had a multiple orgasm and wants to tell you how great you are? All you need to do is say, “No, babe. You’re great.” And then it’s ESPN time. It really is that easy.

No matter what you do for a living or what you say, women are not impressed. Women are only impressed by physical beauty, money, gifts, and orgasms. So, don’t drone on endlessly about how great you are at what you do for a living or whatever the hell your major is. Girls simply don’t care. They want men of action, not men of words. So, jerks, be modest.

Be Cocky

I told you this was gonna get complicated. Right now, you’re probably asking yourself, “How in the hell am I supposed to be cocky and modest at the same time?” Well, you’re lucky I’m here ‘cause I can tell you the answer to that question: you need to be modest with your words and cocky with your attitude.

For example, if a chick tells you she thinks you’re sexy, the cocky answer would be, “I know.” That may turn some women on, but it will turn many women off. The modest answer is, “Thank you,” with a look on your face that says, “Like I give a shit what you think.” Perfecting this look can take time. It really is easier to pull this off if you truly don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. In this way, I have a bit of an advantage. (Hey, I never said this was easy.)

Women love cocky men because men who are sure of themselves are winners, and every woman wants a man who will eventually win them some bread. But girls certainly don’t want to hear guys talking about how great they are all the time. Actually, I don’t think anyone wants to hear anyone talking about how great they are, but I digress. If you take anything away from this paragraph it should be this: you know you’re the best, so you have no need to tell anyone about it. If you don’t think you’re great, you have self-esteem issues and this ain’t the column for you—try Dr. Phil (or one of those other pansy, shrink bitches out there).

If having a raunchy internet column has taught me anything, it’s that women love jerks. Now, we all knew that before I wrote this column, but men need to know how to be jerks so they can get laid regularly. So men, please remember that the keys to being a total dick, jerk, and/or asshole are as follows: don’t treat women like they’re special, treat them special in bed, be modest about your accomplishments, but be naturally cocky (as if your modesty is just some act meant to cloak your cockiness).

With a little practice, you too can be a total dick. And bitches love dick.