The Five Best Blowjobs Ever

These girls have been promoted to head of the class.

>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
July 13, 2005

Suzanne: Give me one good reason why I should suck you off.
Nathan: Because practice makes perfect.
Suzanne: Yeah, my practice makes your day perfect.
Read more snippets »

Best blowjobs everMy three favorite things on planet earth are blowjobs, red meat and professional sports. Of those three, blowjobs are my favorite (like you didn’t see that coming). So, because it’s a Points in Case rule that there must be a numbered list in 70% of all columns written annually, and because my personal contract with this website dictates that I be vulgar 75% of the time, and because I really love oral sex, I have decided to list and rate my five favorite blowjobs.

(Side note: I have never been happier as a writer than I am right now. I wrote the word “blowjob” three times in my introductory paragraph and I’m pretty sure the column will still get published. That’s why your forefathers fought and died for this country, people. That’s right, so I could write “blowjob” over and over again.)

And on with the best of the blowjobs. Drum roll please…

#5 Sarah and the Wake and Suck

One of my first girlfriends was also my ride to school. One morning, she awoke in my bed to discover my morning wood. I guess she found it inspiring, because she proceeded to go to town on my king and crown. While she was applying her expertise, my alarm went off. I went from dreaming about getting oral sex from my girlfriend to actually getting oral sex from my girlfriend. Such serendipity almost always leads to revelation, but this was even better. This was revelation plus orgasm. Tough to beat, but I had four better.

#4 The Fat Chick who Really Cared

In college, around the corner from my apartment, lived a chubby girl named… okay, so I don’t remember (what are you gonna do—take my birthday away?). What I do remember is that my roommate let her go down on him, and after I made fun of him, he told me that she had provided him with (and I quote), “some upper tier fellatio.” Well, I can’t let a phrase like “upper tier fellatio” go un-researched. Turned out he was right. She stayed on me forever, demanded nothing for herself, and really really knew what she was doing. Between that and her offers to clean my apartment and make my food, she was quite the catch. Too bad I had eyesight, though. Really hurt her chances.

#3 The Bitch Who Couldn’t Say “I’m Sorry

In college, this stuck up bitch named Jennifer (you never forget the names of the hot, stuck up bitches) intentionally threw me under the metaphorical bus (I’ll spare you the details of a petty squabble), and all I wanted in return was a measly apology (because this chick never apologized for anything on the grounds that she was a total cunt). I hounded her for weeks and eventually got her alone in her kitchen. It was there, in her kitchen, where she said that she never apologizes to anyone for anything. “That,” she said, “is what blowjobs are for.” She then dropped to her knees and proceeded to apply one of the best hummers I ever received. The best part was, after she swallowed (note: all the chicks on this list swallowed—you don’t make the top five for nothing), she said to me, “There, now don’t you ever mention that bullshit again,” and walked away with her stuck up face in the air, as if she had just sent back a plate of lukewarm veal and was headed to a jewel encrusted restroom to powder her nose. I never would have guessed that prissy little bitch would have been such an emotionless, diabolical suck-bot. Goes to show you never know and all that.

#2 Game Winning Blow Job!

The only reason Jamie’s blowjob is on this list (besides the fact that she swallowed) is because I watched the Tampa Bay Buccaneers kick a game-winning field goal on TV right when she finally got me to cum. For those of you who wonder what it feels like to watch your team win at the exact moment you climax, read the next lines really fast: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh shit! Yes! Yes! Oh my God! Is it good? Is it good? We win! I came! If I had a Porter House right now this would be heaven. Thank you, Jesus.

#1 Two Hours in the Freezing Cold

A girl I dated named Mindy once sucked me off for two hours while it snowed on us in a West St. Louis park. Take note, all you underachievers out there: she stayed on her knees for two hours in five inches of snow in below-freezing weather. Let that be a lesson to some of you women. You see, there are always women who are willing to do it, and some are even so dedicated to and take so much pride in their oral crafts that they will not stop until their men are happy. No matter what. Hats off to you Mindy. You’re tops in my book, er, column.

As I mentioned before, my favorite things on planet Earth are blowjobs. I am sure every other heterosexual male agrees with me. With that in mind, I leave the women of America with two very important messages. First, to all the women who have ever fellated me, and who are willing to fellate others: I thank you; all men thank you; we love you. And second, to all of you girls who find blowjobs to be disgusting, are unwilling to swallow, and consider fellatio to be a menial task, all I can say is: for shame, for shame; you give American women a bad name.

Bitches.

Continue to "Why I Get Laid and You Don't" »
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wow, 2 hours, im surprised you didnt just get bored and paint her face

HAHAHAHAHA bitches.

Between this guy and Justin, I think it's safe to say that this site is going to hell. When Nathan finally writes about his top five whackoff sessions and Justin lists all the handicapped people he'd like to bitch slap, we'll know for a fact that courtesy and decency no longer belong here. I used to like this site, now I'm not so sure...

Until then keep on reading.
I'm such a sucker for the cruel stuff in life as long as its humerous.
Co-Worker

AHAHAHAHAH, COURTESY AND DECENCY!!!

my spot in hell is already reserved. if you want to get in, i suggest you make reservations now, before they're sold out.

I admit it. One of those blowjobs never happened. See if you can guess which one.

Which one never happened? I'm thinking the two hours in the freezing cold. (Although the one during the game is iffy, too--there's no way I'd try to blow a guy while he's watching a game. Too confusing, too much chance of getting stuff spilled on my head, too much chance of him jumping to his feet and injuring us both. Also, guys just are not that appealing when they're yelling at a screen. YMMV.)

But I'm still thinking the freezing cold. right at the point where I read that, it was sinking in for me that ALL of these girls were exes. You didn't marry a single one of them. And a dynamite blowjob, even the best one you ever got, wasn't enough to make you stay with any of these gals.

I'm thinking you should probably move red meat to #1.

My money's on #2. When I read the title, I thought it was a trick...until I read the intro. Then I cried a few tears of joy. Then I cried a few tears of laughter.

Wrong. Answer will come wednesday before five PM. You win nothing. Thanks for playing.

U SEXIST PIECE OF SHIT! HOW DARE U DEGRADE WOMEN TO SIMPLY BEING A PLEASURE DEVICE FOR YOU. MY UR COCK ROT IN HELL.

how is he degrading woman? woman make the decision to slob the knob. I love eating pussy. Giving oral sex is not degrading it's empowering.

*MAY YOUR...

Learn how to spell. Seriously...

jesus woman...lighten up. the man knows what he likes. no shame in that.

bravo, nathan. bravo.

2 hours? are you sure she wasn't dead from hypothermia and you just sat there for 2 hours before you realized she was dead and pulled out and now you tell everyone you got head for two hours just so people will think you are cool? you sick bastard..

congratulations

haha.

First and foremost, thanks Ashley.

Second 8====d, that particular bj happened during high school when a) I wasn't exactly sober and b) we couldn't go back inside for a while 'cause she had snuck out. that chick was also a freak (used to give me hickeys in the shapes of sailboats and cherries and stuff). looking back, I should have married her. But that one's true. Now we have two down. Come on people, guess which blowjob I made up.

Third, Lorena: How is this sexist? Nowhere in this article did I imply that women are worth less than men. I just like blowjobs. If you were to rate your top five sexual experiences, would that be sexist? I think not. Thanks for reading though.

Oh, and anonymous, I'm already working on the top five jack off sessions. I'll email justin on the handicapped people he'd like to bitch slap. Though I'm sure Christopher Reeves and any seriously injured Yankee players would top the list. Thanks for the idea.

good stuff..

i'd guess 3 was fake because if she's such a stuck up bitch she wouldn't be willing to please anybody but herself... or so I'd think.

You are correct. #3 never happened. But I really wanted it to. Stuck up, as she was.

great one! one I have some ideas for my man! His birthday is coming up, then there's christmas, Valentine's Day, New Year's and our anniversary, there, thanks to your writing, I have the major days covered! Just joking! Thanks anyways

Jesus, Lorena Bobbit why don't you just suck my cock. Nice one Nath - funny as hell.

What a fag. The football one was funny, but this guy is SO concerned with telling his "look I'm so hetero" stories he's got to be gay.

My guess, the real #1 blowjob was administered by a dude in a locker room.

Yeah, it's true. Blowjobs aren't everything. There are so many things about women that are ten times better than blowjobs (even though it's fun to say I have to admit...the mental images and stuff..you know how it is, peeps). I think beauty is the best. Looking at a beautiful woman, exploring her body, bom!-now that's cool, but bjs, they can easily be 'bad' and it's usually, no offence to 'these kind of women', the plain women that are pointless to receive them from. I mean, my theory is that plain women are equivalent to gorgeous looking men and I'm not attracted to a gorgeous looking men. I mean, obviously there is some attraction with the plain-looking females, but the bj would be pointless is all. I'm gng to stop talking now. ok. stop now. ok.

In my experience, the less attractive ones are better at giving bjs because they know they have to.

This article really surprised me. From reading the title and seeing Nathan’s picture I thought it was going to be about the 5 best BJs Nathan has ever given. I was about to click to the next article, but saw some female names so I decided to read it.

Nice reading. You're definitely a great fiction writer. Keep it UP, knowwhatimsayin! Peace.

Maaaahahahaha you douchebag! You wouldn't know a blowjob if I was givin one to your mom.

That is the biggest bull crap i've ever heard... 2 hours in the snow bitch please you could not get a girl to even look at you for 2 hours...

No worries nathan, i LOVE giving heads to my man. And i know it makes him happy. And i don't care if i'm being labled "device" or some crap, but as long as this device "works" and doesn't just sit on her ass and complain all the time, it's all worth it. I read most of your latest blogs, and all i have to say is "Keep up the GOOD work!!"..... oh, one more thing, my man loved #3, even if it wasn't true....

I wonder what it feels like to give a man head? Does getting it feel as good as giving it?

This is sexist and I’ll tell you why: it implies sexual objectification of women and has gender-biased language as well as derogatory terms with female modifiers galore. He’s so pompous and arrogant and writes as if he’s entitled to receive oral sex from anyone he wants and that he’s actually doing women a favor by allowing them to fellate him. It’s not a neutral account describing the joys of sex for both genders, which would be awesome. Instead, it’s heavily slanted to the desires of one selfish person who happens to be male. Slightly subjugates women to male dominance, no?

If it’s rightfully “okay” for this “man” to “know what he likes” then why is a “woman” a “bitch” for not liking oral sex? Is that not her absolute right as well? Is someone really an “underachiever” if they desire sexual activity that does not lead to an injury like frostbite? Does having a larger body size make anyone incapable of being a loving partner? Why would you thank mythical beings or a dead person for a gift that a living, breathing human in front of you supplied?

There’s a lot of shame in this, actually, in case you’re not bright enough to see it. If you can confidently say that women who are not obsessed with pleasing men give “America a bad name” and these writings from the Indo-European Taliban do not then that’s just sad. America does have a bad name, and it’s not because of the women, hint hint.

This Nathan character needs to go back to school and learn to write, or actually be more aware of what he's writing about. No need to mislabel him as a homosexual, only he knows for sure. And I reckon he’s got enough enemies, as well as strained father-son relations and a tendency to abuse alcohol out of sadness.

jeez woman get over yourself! f*ckin hell, u make us all look like twats! the fact that u care so much degrades women, and makes men think we're all ravin lunatics like u! so what! he likes head, he's not the first, and wont be the last, and definitely isn't the only one! just coz u cant get a man dumb enough to go down on u, dont take it out on the rest of the world.

GET A LIFE

i love ur column think its hilarious, keep it up

i love 8======D

Well for one... this dush bag makes women sound like its their job to do this.
Two... wtf is yr problem? you get a mutha fuc**** life1

This guy is a totle asswhole! Yeah there are women who like doing that shit but damn, dont fuc**** glote bout it. He aint even hought enough to get a bj, not even from the ugliest bitch oput ther.....
I hated your entry. Go suck one then message me back!

Jasminelenna Jenkins's picture

i personally agree with her on this because she's right..A prick like Nathan doesnt deserve to call the rest of the women bitches just because we dont like to give blowjobs..because for one IT IS DISGUSTING, Two: HE'S PROBABLY GIVEN ALL THESE SLUTS DISEASES BY NOW!! Three: I just looked at ur profile..and DAMN...HE UGLY.. my ASS looks better than his face...and Four: he made this article because he GAVE blowjob to someone himself...what a jackass...

I'm not American, its fucktards like you and the other woman above your post who give america a bad name, learn to fucking spell.

Listen, I want to say Mindy does deserve tops. Man, I have given long blowjobs but never would I consider going down in the snow. However, I absolutely love sex ( one reason I write EROTICA) my favorite position is giving head - well I guess it is a tie. I am multiorgasmic and a squirter as well. I don't understand women who don't like giving blowjobs - they just don't get it. The kind of HOT SEX that can happen if you just let go and enjoy - OH MY GOD!!! Men, I love you guys but I will say some more than others. One of the few things I require from a man is to kill spiders for me. Oh! And he must be able to do at least 3 hour marathon sessons!! Hee Hee
Take care Nathan and I hope you find plenty more wonderful blowjobs in your future.
Sharon

ah, there is simply nothing like a "pull the bedsheets outta your a&& when she's done" BJ. And I'm nearly 40, married with three kids. Some of the best BJ's happen in the later months of pregnancy. oooh...yeahhh.....she's not expecting anything in return but is more than willing to meet your needs.
Now that is a good woman.

wow..you are seriously fucked up. I am fine with women giving some good ol' head, but what the hell happened to you actually being a man and giving some good oral back?

My guess is that you're not too talented in giving much of anything to a woman and you like to choose those women with low self-esteem who are fine with it.

Hi,

I do a mean blowjob, if you know what I mean. Call me at 301-760-8211 and let me blow your mind.

Ann

I knew it! You have Dutch ancestors! Loved your piece of writing.

Nathan, you <b>lied</b> to me. You said I was the best ever!

I give great head.
I'll beat that chubby bitches ass to the ground.

kudos. i'm quite entertained, not just by the column, but by the responses it induced. i mean, honestly, "this is sexist, and let me tell you why"? ahem, as if we didn't already KNOW why?? the column isn't entitled "the five sweetest things i've ever done for a woman" or "my best time holding hands." give me a break. and a little more credit. take it for it's pure face value (no pun intended)(...ok, maybe a little.)
anyway, sweet gig. your candor looks good on you. if only every man were so lucky. and from all the secure, well-educated and might i add, ridiculously good looking ;) women out there, it's called the first amendment. preach on.

You guys do realize 'Lorena Bobbit' was probably a joke, right? Wikipedia it.

i'm a woman, and i don't find this sexist at all. i think it's great. sex is just as exciting to woman as it is to men, some are just more willing to express it than others. and the ones that hold back on expressing their love of it, shame on you. we possess a great amount of skill and are great beings, we should be proud of what we do in the bed and even more proud of a man thinks it's top 5 material. maybe i'm just a little more open than others, but i think this is great, and hell i'd go FIVE hours on my knees in the snow. i give an incredible blowjob.

cuz yo a fuckin slag

But then again, this world wouldn't be nice without women like you, keep it up! I'd like to taste your minge, tie u you up n fuck your mouth.

This is where the sexist shit comes in. If she does it, she's a "slag" but if she doesn't she's a prude or stuck up or closed minded. That's bullshit.

Btw, if you could give yourself a blowjob, would you swallow your own cum? Think about. That's why most women don't like to. And frankly, it's over-rated. I never got why some evens even like it let alone talk about it like it's the holy grail, with a few exceptions. I've noticed most blokes that like that kind of thing tend to look down on women and act superior because "she's on her knees" like a slave.

Oh yeah, not all guys even like blowjobs. Some of us prefer straight up sex. Never turned it down but never asked for it either.

I was fine with what you were saying until that last bit. Some girls don't want to give head, some guys don't like doing a chick when she's bleeding.

Patrick's picture

Loved the little parenthesis on #2. It made me laugh at least! Kind of reminds me of this list on how to give exciting blowjobs.

Anyway,
Good job, Love the column

Patrick

ANyone with anything bad to say about this is a poo poo head. They are either a stuck up bitch, someone who doesn't receive it/give it well, or some one who needs to just get a good romp in general. Fantastic writing! Simple and hilarious!

what i dont understand is,how can the girl in the snow be rated as one of the best?....ok so she went down in the snow....but if it took her 2 hours to make her man cum,she must have been shit!!

I married Wilma because she was #1 in the oral department. She can even lay on her back and put her head over the edge of the bed and take it to the hilt without gagging. To all the young men out there: this is a good litmus test to sort the "datables" from the those that merit "engagable" status.

Well personally...I love giving blowjobs and I love swallowing..and don't expect anything in return. His pleasure is all the pleasure I want and need. Which is why my boyfriend is extremely lucky indeed.

Indeed he is...
Wish every girl thinks like this...

Hahaha bitches comment made me lol

one of thee best columns ive ever read! kudos.

The stories that u wrote were great and funny and theres nothing wrong with you loving getting head thats your personal choice. The thing that I found offensive was when you said women how don't give head give America a bad name. Just like you have the right to love getting head, women have the right not to give head. She shouldn't have feel like thats a obligation.

all you chicks that suck at giving head read this

This is coming from a girl with experience giving head for 6 months. I used to be the girl who would love to go down just for his pleasure, and be more than happy with it. Turned out that he became addicted to it and that is all he ever demanded. Now I have realized that any woman out there he repeatedly does this for her man (per his request) does not really enjoy it. She is just doing it out of obligation. I kept telling my mind that this is OK. But , seriously. What kind of a woman wants a fucking weiner in her mouth and will actually feel happy about it? A real man will find the woman body fascinating, and though a blowjob will appeal to him, he should not crave it more than the female body. If he does , he is fucking GAY or GETTING THERE in my book. Fu**ing b*stards.

and btw, guys who have a fetish to receive blowjobs will only get the prostitutes, or girls with diseases as there are many females out there who feel that the only way they will get accepted is if they give head. They feel they will get all the respect in the world if they suck on a penis. And in no way does this make the guy a bad person. HE shouldn't get it from the girls though. He is a gay , so go to experienced gays. Girls will not be good at it , trust me. They really don't want to do it. It is uncomfortable, and especially if they are not getting loved, it is the most horrendous experience ever. And yes if any scumbag writes for me to just take their cock in my mouth out of rage, I will bite the shit out of your cock and chop it off if I had the chance. God forbid that ever happens but I will definitely pinch it till it bleeds. F*ckers.

and NO i am not SERIOUS about the "Chop off" part, it is a mean way to say guys who see women as pleasure objects are LOSERS because they will never experience TRUE pleasure in their life.

And even the "bleed" part is not literal, so don't get me wrong. If a guy is being sadistic, and is forcing a female to pleasure him (verbally counts), he deserves to be punished. This is coming from someone who used to pleasure a guy who never washed himself, even refused to wash himself. However, she was blackmailed by the guy that if she cannot even blow, she was a disgrace to the planet. This girl (I,) was just 18 years old. I regret EVERY second of it. That guy is now married, and i bet forces his wife to take his ugly manhood down her throat (forcibly 10 times a day), and also visits the bunny ranch in Nevada for prostitutes every month.

Hahaahahahaha... I am a woman that lives in the Tampa area. I am okay with your top 5 list, but only if you like to eat pussy like those five sucked your cock!

Well nice '5 best bjs' whatsoever.

You just haven't tried me. ;)

i totally agree with all of these comments and the only thing else i can suggest is flavourd lubes,champagne,ice-cream(not choc chip though!) and give him blow job whilst on his cock or whilst you got champagne in your mouth,its fantastic for him and also you get more joy in taste and this idea may surprise you and get you into liking giving blow jobs.

My girlfriend loves wake me up with a good Blowing.
And two hours for a blowjob? DAMN!

2 hrs wow! if it went past 10 minutes Id get restless and ask her to Quit, because if its good and as horny as I am it will last no more than 7 mins.. Just last night this girl I know was watching movies with me and gave me head and swallowed 4 times in 3 hours, she is extremely good and fkin loves it, as do I (considering I pull up porn sometimes of BJs). Oh the 4th Swallow.. she said it was a "Blank" so if I want birth control just have her suck me off a few times before having sex lol. And Nathan I share your love of BJ's as my name is also Nathan. I have been with over 200 women... and got head from just about all of them, I once even created a "BJS" Ranking chart [kinda like BCS College Rankings] of the top 50 girls and would share and joke with a cpl close friends. The girl 'wendy' that was Ranked #1 I told her she got bumped from the Top spot by a girl Angel she got insanely pissed and unfortunately never talked with me again. Funny thing is, I never kissed a good 75% of of ladies, they were contempt giving head!! If I can live my life with the top 5 blowing me everyday I would, I wouldn't need marriage just my dog and cat lol

Ps-Chubby girls give the absolute BEST BJ...
Good Story

Oh I saw a couple comments about Gay guys giving the best head... hell no! I've been unfortunate enough to experience it from 2 men... 1 willing and the other while I "pretended" to be asleep because I didnt want to face what was happening to me.. if you are not attracted to a Man you will not like it and I'm definitely not attracted.. the Mans mouth feels rough and more strong... its very nasty.. experienced women have more finesse and of course things like lips stick and pretty nails make it 100% better. Whoever created that "gays give best head" rumor is just some desperate gay dude trying to legitimize his gay outcast ways and try to turn straight men gay when they aren't looking.. don't fall for it..... lol lol

you are a truly vile cretin and i honestly feel for those poor girls that had to go anywhere near your bigoted bell end

I'm pretty sure homosexual men like blowjobs just as much as heterosexual men.... jussayin

So amazing I had to link you in my posting.
Love love love it - http://vibinvixen.wordpress.com/2010/11/06/bj-101/

you are disgusting and i hope you die a painful death. a slow, painful death. a slow, painful, public death... naked. Seriously. What. the fuck. is wrong with you.

The problem I have is not the topic of this article. The problem I have is that your IQ is seriously... dangerously low.

Heres a tip to get a really good blowjob... stop being a little shit and a girl who is not completely dim will be willing to give you head. One of these girls gave you head to shut you up... that should be a hint.

I can tell by your reply here you're just a very angry, and crusty twat. This guy actually seems pretty intelligent. Just because you're jealous or whatnot you call him stupid, no that's you. Just a reminder to you, girl, who runs this world...men do, and 98% of every meaningful invention or breakthrough ever discovered was by a man, so girl recognize your place here, pay a little respect, and sit down and do as you are advised twat.

Hahahaha woo! I'm a woman lol n I liked dis article lol my dude couldn't stop laughing(: we both lived it: D

while moving to our new apartment, my girlfriend gave me road head the whole time, while i drove the uhaul. best orgasm ever.

emotionless, diabolical suck-bot. Ha Ha...!

Great article!

Anyway, if you want to find more about great oral sex, you should check out amazing Jack's BJ Guide.

recently in vegas 2 english girls gave me a fantastic blow job, lucy was great, while rosy sucked all my cum!!

this loser just made this up..... im sure he is a virgin ..... watching porn and masturbating all the time .......... his mind is fucked up pretty good..

EVERY GIRL IN AMERICA NEEDS TO SWALLOW, REMBER THIS ONE SIMPLE RULE SPITTING IS QUITING LADIES ;)

strange that you should take such pride in getting sluts to slut for you... so what's it like being the epitome of immoral society?

Text to my BF
You will get 5 BJs soon:
1st -to morning wood
2nd -after I clean and make you food
3rd -when I can't say sorry
4th -while you play a game
5th -for 2 hours on a bad day

The best I've done was 45 mins. Wow. 2 hours.

Funny thing is, if you've read his other articles he doesn't give a fuck. So all you feminist bitches writing an essay on why Nathan is scum, save your breath. He probably hasn't even checked the comments on this article for years.

I loved it though, great article!

So thanks to Shaggy and other men:
Slag = women who are as open about sex as Nathan, women who enjoy sex & have it, women who are open about giving bjs & swallowing

Prude, Stuckup = women who don't like giving head or swallowing

Feminist bitch = women who disagree think this article is sexist

Yet men whine and bitch about women are contradictory and hard to please. No wonder why women are generally most unhappy married, initating divorces 70% of the time, and increasingly choosing to stay single or unmarried...difference between single and unmarried for the slow ones.

my cousin gives the best blowjobs in the world. no other blowjobs compare to hers. And she knows how to deep throat also.

I book-marked this page last night, and now I'm back and currently receiving a blow-job from girl-friend and reading her the women's sexist responses. She's laughing my head off.

3 isn't at all believable. Neither is 5, and the timing on 4 is questionable. I think Nathan might be gay and is simply telling the story of himself as 5 different women.