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My three favorite things on planet earth are
blowjobs, red meat and professional sports. Of those three, blowjobs are
my favorite (like you didn’t see that coming). So, because it’s a Points
in Case rule that there must be a numbered list in 70% of all columns
written annually, and because my personal contract with this website
dictates that I be vulgar 75% of the time, and because I really love
oral sex, I have decided to list and rate my five favorite blowjobs.
(Side note: I have never
been happier as a writer than I am right now. I wrote the word
“blowjob” three times in my introductory paragraph and I’m pretty
sure the column will still get published. That’s why your
forefathers fought and died for this country, people. That’s right,
so I could write “blowjob” over and over again.)
And on with the best of the blowjobs. Drum roll please…
#5 Sarah and the Wake and Suck
One of my first girlfriends was
also my ride to school. One morning, she awoke in my bed to discover
my morning wood. I guess she found it inspiring, because she
proceeded to go to town on my king and crown. While she was applying
her expertise, my alarm went off. I went from dreaming about getting
oral sex from my girlfriend to actually getting oral sex from my
girlfriend. Such serendipity almost always leads to revelation, but
this was even better. This was revelation plus orgasm. Tough to
beat, but I had four better.
#4 The Fat Chick who Really Cared
In college, around the corner from
my apartment, lived a chubby girl named… okay, so I don’t remember
(what are you gonna do—take my birthday away?). What I do remember
is that my roommate let her go down on him, and after I made fun of
him, he told me that she had provided him with (and I quote), “some
upper tier fellatio.” Well, I can’t let a phrase like “upper tier
fellatio” go un-researched. Turned out he was right. She stayed on
me forever, demanded nothing for herself, and really really knew
what she was doing. Between that and her offers to clean my
apartment and make my food, she was quite the catch. Too bad I had
eyesight, though. Really hurt her chances.
#3 The Bitch who Couldn’t say “I’m
Sorry”
In college, this stuck up bitch
named Jennifer (you never forget the names of the hot, stuck up
bitches) intentionally threw me under the metaphorical bus (I’ll
spare you the details of a petty squabble), and all I wanted in
return was a measly apology (because this chick never apologized for
anything on the grounds that she was a total cunt). I hounded her
for weeks and eventually got her alone in her kitchen. It was there,
in her kitchen, where she said that she never apologizes to anyone
for anything. “That,” she said, “is what blowjobs are for.” She then
dropped to her knees and proceeded to apply one of the best hummers
I ever received. The best part was, after she swallowed (note: all
the chicks on this list swallowed—you don’t make the top five for
nothing), she said to me, “There, now don’t you ever mention that
bullshit again,” and walked away with her stuck up face in the air,
as if she had just sent back a plate of lukewarm veal and was headed
to a jewel encrusted restroom to powder her nose. I never would have
guessed that prissy little bitch would have been such an
emotionless, diabolical suck-bot. Goes to show you never know and
all that.
#2 Game Winning Blow Job!
The only reason Jamie’s blowjob is
on this list (besides the fact that she swallowed) is because I
watched the Tampa Bay Buccaneers kick a game-winning field goal on
TV right when she finally got me to cum. For those of you who wonder
what it feels like to watch your team win at the exact moment you
climax, read the next lines really fast: Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh shit!
Yes! Yes! Oh my God! Is it good? Is it good? We win! I came! If I
had a Porter House right now this would be heaven. Thank you, Jesus.
#1 Two Hours in the Freezing Cold
A girl I dated named Mindy once
sucked me off for two hours while it snowed on us in a West St.
Louis park. Take note, all you underachievers out there: she stayed
on her knees for two hours in five inches of snow in below-freezing
weather. Let that be
a lesson to some of you women. You see, there are always women
who are willing to do it, and some are even so dedicated to and take
so much pride in their oral crafts that they will not stop until
their men are happy. No matter what. Hats off to you Mindy. You’re
tops in my book, er, column.
As I mentioned before, my favorite things on planet Earth are
blowjobs. I am sure every other heterosexual male agrees with me.
With that in mind, I leave the women of America with two very
important messages. First, to all the women who have ever fellated
me, and who are willing to fellate others: I thank you; all men
thank you; we love you. And second, to all of you girls who find
blowjobs to be disgusting, are unwilling to swallow, and consider
fellatio to be a menial task, all I can say is: for shame, for
shame; you give American women a bad name.
Bitches.
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