All Men are Scumbags

>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
October 12, 2005

Read more snippets...Dave: Did you steal that $20 from her while you were making out with her?
Luke: Maybe.
Dave: That’s hardcore, hoss.
Nathan: Scumbags.
Luke: Coming from you, Nate, that don’t mean shit.

I am of the humble opinion that all men, regardless of race, creed, sexual orientation or hat size, are scumbags. (Please note that all my opinions are humble. I am the humblest guy you’ll never meet. I practically invented humility. If humility were boxing, you’d be calling me Ali, ‘cause I am the greatest at humility. I also float like a butterfly and sting like your gonorrhea tainted pee. But that’s another story altogether.) Now, we men don’t mean to be scumbags, we just are in many different ways (five, by my humble count). So, to help all the ladies understand just how much of a scumbag their men are, I am busting out the five levels of scumbaggity (I can make up all the words I like, it’s my column).

Level 1 - The Nice Guy

The Level 1 scumbag is the nicest man there is. He is the kind of man who opens doors for women, doesn’t drive drunk, feels sorry for dead animals, and actually listens when his girlfriend drones on about how shitty her day was, as if a jammed copier, a broken nail, and late mail truly constitutes a shitty day. So, what makes such a nice guy a scumbag? I’m glad I asked.

• If his woman is more than a thousand miles away, and he is in the company of total strangers, he will cheat on her. Usually, he will use a condom. Sometimes he won’t. The point is, he’ll still do it (or at least consider doing it) but he’ll never go looking for it.

• He’ll never steal from anyone or anything that is not a huge corporation which already specializes in screwing people, in which case, he’ll take whatever he can get.

• He’ll never go looking for a fight, but he sure doesn’t mind kicking the ass of the guy who messes with his friends, family or self.

Level 2 - The Opportunist

The Level 2 scumbag is the kind of guy who most women fall for. He has just enough thug in him to be considered dangerous, and just enough love in him to be considered changeable. He is, to the modern woman, the perfect mix of project and protection. But he is not as nice as the bag of scum in Level 1.

• He will cheat on his woman only if the other girl hits on him. At least, that’s what he’ll tell his woman if he gets caught. “Really, baby,” he’ll say. “She practically raped me.”

• He’ll never steal from his friends or family and can be trusted with all of your belongings. However, in your parents’ house, you’ll want to keep an eye on him, girls.

• He loves an opportunity to pound on someone, but only if there’s money in it.

Level 3 - Dr. Jekyll

The Level 3 scumbag is the kind that usually ends up in jail. You can recognize him by the fact that most women immediately get hot when they see him, but they tend to leave him alone because the women approaching him look like they started the female chapter of the Hell’s Angels.

• The Level 3 scumbag will always cheat on his woman, never admit it (even when caught), and shrug off his woman ‘cause there’s always one more out there.

• He’ll steal from pretty much anyone, unless the person in question is a scumbag of the Level 4 or 5 variety (self-preservation is more than just an instinct).

• He’ll beat up anyone who’s not a woman for any reason he damn well feels like.

Level 4 - Mr. Hyde

The Level 4 scumbag has usually done some jail time. People will refer to him as “the nicest guy in the world. Just don’t get on his bad side.”

• Life has taught the Level 4 scumbag to wait until he gets caught cheating on a woman and then explain that monogamy is not in his nature. He will usually let all of his women who know he’s cheating, cheat on him too.

• He’ll steal from anyone for any reason. Sometimes just for kicks.

• He’ll beat up anyone he likes, including women, for no reason at all.

Level 5 - Scum of the Earth

The Level 5 scumbag hangs out in places that you never go. He has so many warrants out for his arrest and open cases in which he is a person of interest, that he hardly leaves the house except to stomp on old ladies.

• Not only does he cheat on his women, he breaks up with them if they don’t let him film them having sex.

• He doesn’t steal anymore. He has people for that.

• He beats his women as a matter of habit. He doesn’t fight men much anymore. All he has to do is look at aggressors and they get the point.

Now, I’m sure some of you ladies out there are saying to yourselves, “Well, my man’s not a scumbag.” I’m here to tell you he is. Through no fault of his own, he is doing things and thinking things that would constantly piss you off if you knew about them. And hey, it’s not like he beats you, right? Right?

Anyway, we can’t help it. We’re scumbags. My advice to all you ladies is to shoot for Level 2 or higher. But again, that’s just my humble opinion. It’s not like I’m always right or anything. (Can you feel that humility? I said, can you feel that humility? Oh yeah, this man is humble.)

See also:


right on, id like to say im different, but im not. i think im level one, so i guess that makes both a dissalusioned sissy and a scumbag at the same time.

nathan, which level are u? somehow im thinking 3. but then again, thats just my humble opinion.

<i>When you're right...</i>

As a rising PR specialist, I must say that you've done a fine job displaying multiples angles. But then and again, so do most criminals taking mug-shots.
Kudos anyway.

Damn... Found out at last. Why, Nate? Why? Oh well... At least none of the girls I know read PIC. I may be safe for now.

Does a man's level of scumbaggity have anything to do with the size of his member? Is there any correlation at all men?

Mrs. Delace, I have no idea. As I only have one member and have been through at least three levels of scumbag, I cannot accurately respond to your query.

Sorry Daniel.

E. Mike, as a sinking bullshit professional, I must say that you’ve done a fine job with the backhanded compliment. But then again, so do most wife beating scumbags.

Marianella, obviously, I am Level 1. The years have softened me. I’m sweet and sensitive.

Maximus, Level 1 is far from sissy. Sissy has nothing to do with your level of scumbaggity. Level 1 just means you’re an upstanding guy, so be proud.

Ehh.. #1 then it looks like... Especially the whole 'stealing from corporations' part, while simultaneously holding the door for women and being generally nice to everyone. I blame my ex-roommate for getting me into the piracy though.

Nate, don't lie, you are not a level 1. Maybe I just think this b/c I've seen you drunk.... LOL

TRUE

NO

Well, we black dudes are level 6. We rape them all.

not all of us are like tha give me a break

what about shitty scumbags who only treat us women as sextoys? what level and category do those shitheads fall under? every woman wants 1 guy to fulfill their every need. every dickwad of a guy wants every girl to fulfill their 1 need. so what level do they fall under?

like fellow nigger joe said...level 6

This article is pathetically closed minded.

So does this mean that all women are scumbag holders? Or suckers?

Nathan, this is just my humble opinion...you are a piece of shit that is full of shit. Let's get REAL for a second. You in no way can speak for an entire gender, only yourself and those who have reflected upon your life in some way or another, which drives me to believe that you aim to surround yourself with pieces of shit such as yourself. Stereotypes are just that, ideas that are formed by close minded people that make irrational pressumptions based on personal experience; they are in no way factual. In closing I leave you with this:

"I may not agree with what you say but I will die defending your right to say it"
- Winston Churchill

I know this column is 6 years old, but dang you've got it all wrong and I'm going to leave a comment in case somebody who gets a hit on this on google or something reads the comments. According to you *EVERY* guy is ready to fight. That's not true. I'd say a good 60% of guys are pussies unless they "know they can take the other guy" (have a good 20-40lb weight advantage) not to mention not every guy cheats. I think you based this whole thing on a very deluded perception of yourself and based yourself as the standard for all guys. Because my friend, your behavior falls very short of the personal standards that I maintain. Good day.

Anonymous above me, thank you! Im glad you are not on their "level" ;) and Nathan, dude that is one sad way to see men. Shame on u.

Painful but true. In my experience a man is only as faithful as: (i) his options; and (ii) the anticipated consequences (in this life or the next).