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An illuminating look at the faults of society through the eyes of an eternal pessimist.
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- The Death of America's Greatest 2-Star Celebrity
- The Unfriendly Skies Open Up
- Gratuitous Mention: Tipping is Dead
- Amateur Hour: Homemade Porn is the Best
About Atlas Jobinson
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Ohio State University
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I coined the term "conestoga" in reference to an un-circumcised penis. Check Urban Dictionary --- it's on there. If you don't know what a conestoga is or how it relates to an un-circumcised penis, well, then you sir (or ma'am) have not played enough Oregon Trail.
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Gratuitous Mention: Tipping is Dead
I'm as liberal as the next guy. I enjoy sticking it to the man by watching Keith Olbermann, listening to Pearl Jam, and always taking from the penny tray but never giving back. But there's one societal custom on which I am strongly conservative: tipping.
Just doing our job, rich people.Whenever I start to bitch about how I hate the practice of tipping, my dad always tells me a story about when his father went on strike from his job in the 60's, and his mom had to go to work as a waitress, and how his family survived on tips. And while that's very touching, I call bullshit. Because isn't the first question in an ethics class always, "Would you steal bread to feed your family?" Obviously my grandpa's answer was "No." Instead of going to the supermarket and jacking all the food he could, he relied on my grandma's tips. This family history is a source of great personal embarrassment.
Bartenders aren't doing anything so extravagantly beyond their job description to warrant receiving extra money.Now, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not some cheapskate who takes pride in jewing everyone over. Quite the contrary, when I have money, I'm like De Niro in Goodfellas: taking care of everyone, buying drinks, acting like a true gentleman. It's not giving away the cash that bothers me, it's the principle itself.
Let's take waitresses for example. People always say that waitresses' wages are so low because restaurants account for the fact that they will make a lot of money through gratuity. Well, that's not my problem, is it? If a waitress has a problem with her salary, she should take it up with her employer. I'm not her boss. Don't expect me to compensate her because she has a shitty job.
Another argument is that if a waitress provides good service, she deserves some extra dough. This is patently false. She is doing her job. I'm pretty sure acting in a decent manner is expected of a waitress. If she gets extra money for being nice, why don't I get my meal for free when the waitress is a bitch?
What about the contrast between cab drivers and bus drivers? Cab drivers are usually assholes who put your life at risk by driving like they're Speed Racer. They're abrasive, harsh, and generally have the disposition of a Gringott's goblin (is it exceptionally nerdy to drop in a Harry Potter reference?). Bus drivers, on the other hand, are kind, welcoming people. Usually it's an old man who looks so withered that he could pass for a World War I veteran, or a large black woman whose pants are so tight they look like they've been sprayed on. Regardless of their appearance, bus drivers are the cream of the crop—they can get you where you're going on time, and afterwards you don't feel like you just rode in a Podrace. But in the end, who gets tipped? Motherfucking cab drivers. The entire system is completely out of whack.
Need more evidence? OK. Bartenders. I read somewhere that they expect a dollar tip per drink. Bullshit. You know what I did last night? I drank two forties and watched American Beauty. And had a hell of a time. All for under $4.50. And now you want me to pay $10 to get into a bar, god-knows-how-much on shit drinks, and tip the bartenders a dollar per drink?
Again, bartenders aren't doing anything so extravagantly beyond their job description to warrant receiving extra money. If I go to a convenience store, and the clerk helps me find something, am I slipping him an extra couple of dollars? Fuck no. I used to work at a library. When I had to sit around for fifteen minutes and explain to a 95-year-old woman that the Left Behind books were in fact a fictional series, and the Rapture was not currently under way, did I get tipped? When I would go plead with the homeless people to stop sleeping on the beanbag chairs in the children's area, did I get tipped? When a sweaty, 400-pound man would ask me for the internet porn access code, and I legally had to give it to him, did I get tipped? The answer to all of those questions is a resounding "no." Because I was doing my fucking job.
Like I said, this is a somewhat conservative argument. Maybe I can convince you if I pontificate in the manner of Bill O'Reilly:
TIPPING! Are you insane?! Re-distribution of wealth! You pinko commie bastard! I had sex with three 19-year-old hookers in the back room of a dry cleaners in Thailand, and you know how much I tipped them?! Fucking zippo! This is just another liberal ploy to drive this country to socialism, and re-invigorate the policies of that tyrant, FDR!! You know how much I make every year?! A-fucking-lot! And you know how much of it goes to tipping?! Zero!! THE SPIN STOPS HERE!!
P.S. George Clooney's a douche, NBC News is corrupt, and Barney Franks's a fag. WE'LL DO IT LIVE!!
And if we can't trust Bill O'Reilly, who can we trust? Oh, I know—Dwight Schrute. What are his thoughts on the matter?
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Indeed, Mr. Schrute. Indeed.
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22 Comments
(Post new comment)Like the article, and agree with it.
But nobody can top Steve Buscemi's rant in Reservoir Dogs.
Nice, tipping is a scam!!
totally agree with this. all these bullshit "service industry" jobs drive me nuts. fucking valets that park your car 20 yards away and want a couple bucks?? in addition to a possible parking fee?? bartenders who grab a $1 bud light out of a cooler and want a dollar tip??
of course, any bartender, server, etc will give you their sob story about how shitty the job is, what they have to put up with, and how much they deserve tips, but they all know inside that they're really just trying to protect this ridiculous business model that lines their pockets. newsflash: other people have hard jobs too and don't get tips.
they also get paid more than 4.23/hour
Eh, as someone who has worked as a waiter at a place who had regular customers, the regs who didn't tip, I came to their table three times. To take an order, to drop food off, and to hand off a check. That's all a waiter is really required to do. You're tipping to make sure your server will actually care about you for 25 minutes.
And that makes sense. Maybe there should be two seating areas (or an option like a card you turn over at your table) for "full service" and "basic service."
well written good sir.
I know this is a joke website, but I felt inclined to comment since people seem to be taking this seriously.
To those of you who've never worked a shift in the service industry, it's a fun job, but it's a tough job. You rarely get benefits, paid time off and even the pay is crappy.
Depending on who you talk to, TIPS means To Insure Proper Service, To Insure Prompt Service or To Insure Profit.
I've always said, "If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to go out." Drink at home. It's definitely cheaper. Or, if you still insist on going out and not tipping, the bars here can jack the prices through the roof like the bars in London. If you really want to spend $10 a beer, go for it.
Would that library be the symmes library? And I'm confused.. Aren't you the 400 pound porn freak?
Casey Freeman should be banned from this site; his works suck, he has no dick, and he is a dumb shit.
That was some random writer bashing, especially considering Casey selflessly delivers to PiC consistently (in blogs and columns) for your amusement and his work is witty and solid.
I know nothing about his dick but clearly we know that you are ALL dick....so that's impressive I guess. ;-)
I hate you. Don't bash KC. He's amazing and you're an ass. Please die painfully.
WORST ARTICLE EVER
i bet you wouldnt make it through ONE shift at my job without breaking down and crying like a little bitch
not everyone has the opportunities or money to become a fucking lawyer or whatever the fuck it is you do. and whats funny is that as fucked up as our economy is right now i will still make money. my grandfather told me the three businesses that never close are restaurant; people have to eat, bars; because people will always drink, and hair salons; because women will always get their hair done
so hopefully you will be stuck in one these three professions you haughty little bastard
ps
your mother sucked so much cock her pink commie head is shaped like an egg
Pathetic rancid worm of the sweaty, hairy ballsack of society. Your fetid rationale and abhorent platitudes make me sick. Tipping is common courtesy and reward for a job well done. That it isn't widespread is a problem perpetuated by your simpleton mindset. For those who are the top performers in a service oriented society, we depend on "charity" in a low wage atmosphere where the real difficulty is serving you impatient, slack jawed cretins spawned from mumu sporting pigsacks. (most commentors included). If you don't want good service, serve yourself ass-swill forties on the cheap. Certainly you haven't noticed that even professional masters degrees are worth the toilet paper they are printed on these days. You'll change you tune when you "try" to ween yourself from the suckle of your mom's inflamed pig-teets and get a job. I imagine you will only end up re-engorging on the next milk producing nipple you find - bild'o faggotreilly's swollen member.
I am a waitress. I agree we should get paid a decent wage so we don't have to depend on certain people for some kind of money. I wouldn't complain about working in a restaurant. I make bank! But here's my thing about people who don't find the justice in tipping. Eat at home or go to "the golden arch", boycott restaurants and make a point...but the stereotypes and dumb analogies in this column is just pointless. Try writing articles that get the opposing side to understand where you're coming from and maybe you'll be more respected as a writer instead of a douche bag.
Just a suggestion :)
and one more thing- I thought taxi drivers get tipped because they buy their own car and the job is slightly more independent with no direct representation of the business and bus drivers go through training, receive a higher wage, and have benefits because they are driving a bus....
idk maybe if you had more experience in the work force you'd understand but that'll come when you get older.
:)
I'll tell you why we should get tipped: Kids screaming on the top of their lungs and parents don't tell them to stop, people making disgusting messes all over the tables and on the floor, plain ignorance and being impolite and rude, slobs, bending over backwards just to make you happy, being talked down to, getting your clothes and body messy, people waiting until the very end of their meals with no food left on their plates to complain about their meal although I already asked them how everything was two or three times, stress levels skyrocketing, being sworn at for no reason, other people stiffing the bill and walking out, no eye contact, absolutely no respect, I mean the list is endless. Until you have worked at least one day in the food industry, THEN and ONLY then you are allowed to exploit your opinion on the internet or even at all about why we shouldn't get tipped. Oh, and would you like to try and find me a better job in this economy? Until then, Keep your mouth Shut. Thanks!
In principle, I suppose I agree...but I'm not saying that I never tip, I do - but only when I think its deserved. In a restaurant, prompt service and a smile (and a conversation with a cab driver if I don't have my ipod) is something I will tip for, however when the service is crap and your server is Captain Retard, I refuse to tip or leave a token gesture of the smallest coin I have to emphasise it.
A smile will cost you nothing and the tip will be worth it!
And to all those really miserable gits in the service industry who cannot muster a smile or insist on making my experience a nightmare, why don't you get a job where u r on the phone? at least people wont be put out by your miserable mugs..!! also, the pay is crap so you will feel right at home..!!
U some cheap ass to not tip..
Seriously! Even a dollar is too much for u?!?!?!
This article is seriously bullshit.. I tip regularly, cuz I know what it is to work in the (service?) industry.. My dad slogged his ass off at one time supporting my grandma and his 2 sisters working as a waiter.. He quit school after tenth grade and now.. 20+ years later my dad is a wine connoisseur working in the cruise lines as a bar manager getting to tour the Carribean islands, Alaska, Russia,Turkey,Spain,Sweden and every other exotic place..
My family is from India, that one job of his lead him to places and of course hes the one who pays for my tuition n stay in Milan, Italy for a 9 month course..
If I know that I can make even a small difference (such as what happened to my dad when he was young) to the person serving me I definitely would!!
i'm not looking for a cheap dig but i got quite stirred up as i read this.
Firstly, waiters do get shit.
i honestly do believe that they should get tip if they deserve it.
Also, sterotyping cab drivers and bus drivers is totally biased and unfair.
Point to note. If you cant convice people, dont bother. Using the comments of people who boast about their income or insist on being loners do not prove your point.
p.s no gentleman calls himself a gentleman
I don't know what the law is in other states, but in Oregon, 8% of the waitstaff's check is taken out in taxes to compensate for what they ideally should be making in tips. So if a person doesn't get a tip, they are loosing money out of their paycheck.
Whether you could do the job yourself or not is not at issue here. Sure, you could drive your own cab, or make and deliver your own food, refill your drinks at what you bought it for. However, did you know that waitress have to tip-out? This "tip-out" is usually at about 7% or higher. Tip-out means that at the end of the night, the waitress' have to give money to the bartender, the cooks, and the house for doing their jobs. That means, if you order a ten dollar meal, you pay ten dollars for the food, and don't tip, the waitress, out of her own pocket, has to divide $7 dollars out to the bartender, the cook, and the house (in bars, the bouncers or doormen are also included in this list).
Therefore, if you're not willing to show some gratitute for things that you can do yourself, maybe you should do just that, stay at home and do it yourself.
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