Hey Everyone, I'm Sorry I'm Really Fat, Ugly, Creepy Kind Of, And Not Funny

"Hey Everyone, I'm Sorry I'm Really Fat, Ugly, Creepy kind of, And Not Funny"

by Drew Carey

Hello, Earthlings! Ahaha, get it? 'Cause we're from earth, you know? Alright, never mind. What I really want to talk to you about is...well, I came here to apologize. To everyone in America and anyone in the whole world who has ever had the displeasure of seeing me.

You may be wondering how I, an extremely white, fat, blubbery, creepy almost, smiley motherfuckin' fatass like me got a job, let alone a job on television where people have to suffer through looking at my fat face for more than a second. (Oh God, it's horrible isn't it? Just a terrible face. Terrible.) Trust me, I think the same thing, while I'm stuffing my face with bread sandwiches (2 or more pieces of bread put between 2 other pieces of bread).

You might wonder how I can look my wretched, indescribably repulsive naked body in the mirror. Well...the answer is I can't. Because I'm fucking fat. And not funny.

Sometimes I can bring myself to look at my face in the mirror with clothes on and don't know whether to cry, break the mirror, or seek immediate psychological therapy.

I can't even take a shower unless drunk, out of fear of possibly making eye contact with my vomit-inducing naked body. You know how on tv I look like I'm pretty well-kempted, but only because of like a ton of hair gel, a comb, and 3 bottles of Axe? Yeah, well that's exactly how I look sort-of respectable (although, really I don't expect anyone to respect me including my self, of course). And then I throw on dirty suit coats obviously purchased from thrift stores and then annoy people until they let me on camera.

Hey, I kinda look like I should be living in my parent's basement or something, don't I?

You know how just from looking at me, you know I wear super tight whitey-tighteys? Well, that's true. I do wear whitey-titeys.

Sometimes, at work, instead of doing work, I think up ways where I can smell girl's hair without them noticing, like in elevators and stuff. I never actually follow through with it, but trust me, I have several sick, disturbing, perverted sexual fantasies.

Why THE FUCK am I hosting the Price is Right? Right?

Anyways, sorry, everyone, America, the world, all humans that have ever existed or ever will exist along with every other bacteria, organism, or atom that has ever existed or will ever exist along with forms of matter in the future that we don't know about yet that come to exist, I am so sorry. I'm really, truly sorry for being so stupid, cheesy, corny, fat, obese, wretched I guess would be the best word to describe me. I'm also sorry I'm not funny, and for every other flaw or bad trait I have (which of course can't be put in numbers it's so high, I have B.O., I sweat alot, you would cover your kids eyes if I was eating food in the same McDonald's as them..the list goes on). Just like the Constitution could never lay out every single law for the US, thus gave some powers of law creation to the states; I cannot list everything that's wrong with me (it's just not possible), so I leave it up to you (you are the states in this analogy) to never take me seriously or respect me as a human being.

Yours truly,

Drew Carey

P.S. Please, if you ever see me lying on the street, like if someone had just shot me or something: don't stop and help me. Just leave me to die. You've got better things to do.