Don't Worry New Hampshire, You Still Blow in a Big Way

Based on the MSNBC article "New Hampshire loses strongest wind gust title"

In the year 1996, a lot of mundane shit went overlooked that years later would seem like a really big deal. It was officially designated the International Year for the Eradication of Poverty. A foolish boast really, since there was nothing in place to give everyone on the planet a bunch of money, and last time I checked there are still a lot of poor people.

It was the year Bin Laden wrote The Declaration of Jihad on the Americans Occupying the Country of the Two Sacred Places, something that in hindsight maybe should have raised a few more eyebrows, but given the wind bag author and rather lengthy title, understandably wasn't a bestseller. It was the year the "fastest wind gust ever recorded on Earth" occurred in Australia, clocking in at 253 miles per hour. It was the year Alanis Morissette became the youngest person to win the Album of the Year award, with Jagged Little Pill, a record she still holds today. In fact I hear Alanis cuddles with that album nightly before falling asleep. It was also the year that Monica Lewinsky officially "worked" at the White House during Bill Clinton's term. I guess what I'm trying to say is, 1996 was filled with a lot of things not only blowing hard, but really hard to swallow.

Monica Lewinsky on the cover of Cigar Aficionado magazine
I don't think this will ever get old.
But I don't want to bore you to death with topics like the economy, terrorism, Grammy winners, or political scandals. Especially not with boring events that occurred almost 15 years ago. So let's talk about that gust of wind, eh? Wind is fucking crazy exciting isn't it?! You know what's even more exciting than wind? Wind that happened a decade and a half back, that's what! Now that's big news, which even though it totally blows, is still absolutely worth obsessing over...maybe even crying about...or um...NOT. You see, it seems that New England's little political red-headed step-child, New Hampshire, is all abuzz with sadness over a gust of wind that happened way back in 1996. This particular tragic gust of wind happened on Australia's Barrow Island during Cyclone Olivia and was measured at an amazing 253 miles per hour!

So why is this such a big deal and worth getting upset over? Well, it isn't worth getting upset over, because it's just fucking wind! The better question is, "Why is this such a big deal to New Hampshire?" You see, apparently, until that gust of wind was measured, New Hampshire held the world record for the fastest wind gust ever recorded on Earth, and for some reason, New Hampshire gave a shit about that. I guess if you live in New Hampshire there isn't that much to do or get really excited over, so things like wind being to seem like a big deal.

New Hampshire on a blue and red map.
New England's political red-headed step-child.
New Hampshire's famous gust of wind, the one they pride themselves on, occurred at an observatory atop Mount Washington back in 1934. That's right, New Hampshire is still excited about a single gust of wind from 1934 and yet people today are still surprised when they make idiotic, archaic, political decisions.

Actual quotes from Scot Henley, the observatory's executive director: "It's obviously a big disappointment. Having the world record for over six decades was such a part of the soul of this organization and for fans of Mount Washington around the country." Apparently fame is so easily achieved these days that even mountains now have fans! "No one noticed the new record gust at the time," Henley said. "Somehow it fell through the cracks and the Australians didn't think it was a big deal. We hear that, and it kinds of blows our minds, but of course, we're weather fans and we're tuned into that sort of thing."

The Australians didn't think it was a big deal, Scot, because like I said, it's just fucking wind! The only thing to ponder about Australia's wind is whether their resident giant windbag, Gavin Pitt, has anything to do with it, because according to Alex Boonstra, he apparently does put a lot of effort into blowing.

Mt. Washington Summit sign
Both Gavin and Mount Washington are apparently really big blowhards.

Scot went on to say that the official title at issue is "highest wind gust ever recorded on the surface of the Earth by means of an anemometer." But to most people in New Hampshire, it was simply "The Big Wind." By the way Scot, just out of curiosity, did The Big Wind of New Hampshire blow the other "t" off your name? Last time I checked, Scott had two "t"s and to spell it with just one is equally as sad as your ridiculous wind obsession. Scott (fuck him and his missing "t," I'm writing it correctly from now on) then went on to say, "So the work continues up there, and we'll be ready for the next one."

Wait, just so we're clear, this work you're referring to is sitting around waiting for a future gust of wind?! I know homeless people who work harder than that! According to the observers, "they are paid little and work 12-hour shifts, seven days a week. They get free food, long vacations, and every other week off." Wait, maybe these guys actually ARE homeless people. They are also reported to be minor media stars, because of their daily radio forecasts which are broadcast in New Hampshire and Maine and given in their quirky, monotone delivery.

Fastest wind gust sign in New Hampshire
Aww, they even had a sign and everything.
Yes, you read that right, people, they are minor media stars because they report about boring things in a boring voice. First mountains get fans and now boring, monotone, weather reporters get them too. It's like they're now handing out fans like Nobel Prizes or something. Although I guess it's understandable, because I also have a tendency to get very entertained by homeless people muttering to themselves about inane crap.

What really makes this all so sad and tragic, to New Hampshire, is that they significantly prided themselves on this "Big Wind" and now it has been discovered that their precious little record was actually broken almost 15 years ago. However, what makes this all so sad and tragic to the rest of the world is that New Hampshire significantly prided themselves on a 76-year-old gust of fucking wind! Seriously, New Hampshire?! Is that all you've got?! That's just pathetic. My heart truly goes out to you for your public loss of dignity, however, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your dignity was in significant danger the moment you started placing your dignity on whichever way the wind blows.

Welcome to New Hampshire: You Won't Believe How White We Are!
New Hampshire, where backwards thinking is just called voting.
It occurs to me that New Hampshire is actually a lot like that awkward home-schooled person you can't quite figure out. At first you cut them a little slack, because after your first encounter, you naturally assume they're retarded. Then, after several other strange and unusual encounters, you begin to realize that they aren't really mentally impaired, just a little socially backwards. That pretty much describes New Hampshire, a state constantly clinging to things they think other people care about, but in reality couldn't give a shit about. I'm here to tell you, New Hampshire, that the rest of us are just humoring you, because the entire country feels a little sorry for you and your backward confusion about things.

Man in the Mountain cliff
New Hampshire, like old hampshire, but newer.
While I have your attention and all eyes are on New Hampshire, do you know what else is kind of sad? Their obsession with The Old Man of the Mountain. I'm sure everyone has thought it at one time or another, but no one really wants to say it for fear of hurting New Hampshire's fragile ego. But if you wanted sensitivity and tact you probably wouldn't be reading PIC, so I'm just going to tell New Hampshire, once and for all, what the rest of us are thinking: The Old Man of the Mountain obsession is a fucking joke to the rest of the country too! You've made damn sure that we've all seen it, because it's on the New Hampshire license plate, the New Hampshire state emblem, the New Hampshire quarter, and New Hampshire t-shirts. Here's the thing though, it's time to let it go, New Hampshire, because ironically, the only place you guys DON'T have the Old Man of the Mountain now, is ON THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!

Mount St. Helen's erupting
For the record, our mountains blow WAY harder than yours!
That's right, that famous rock outcropping that New Hampshire shoves down everyone's throat actually crumbled into oblivion back in 2003! People were so distraught over it's collapse that they left flowers at the base of the cliffs in tribute. Some state legislators sought to change the New Hampshire state flag to include the profile, and many people even suggested replacing the Old Man with a scale plastic replica. On the first anniversary of the collapse, the state unveiled coin-operated viewfinders near the base of the the cliff that shows how the Old Man USED to appear. In addition, New Hampshire is now planning on building an Old Man of the Mountain memorial which will consist of five huge stones that, when viewed from a raised platform, merge into a form that recreates the original profile. We're talking about rocks to memorialize other rocks, people! Am I the only one who thinks this is weird?! I mean, when Mount St. Helens erupted in my home state of Washington, we didn't memorialize the mountain the way it used to be, but focused on the future by letting the environment respond naturally to the disturbance. How freaking weird would it have been if we drew up plans to have the mountain rebuilt, out of plastic, to the way it was BEFORE the eruption?!

New Hampshire, just face simple facts: You are a small, sad little state clinging to things the way they used to be and I think the reason you cause so much political upheaval is for nothing more than attention. These attention-gathering tactics put you at about the intellect level of a 3-year-old, and frankly, the rest of the country thinks you should stop acting like a whiny little cry baby. Get over all these childish temper tantrums and come on board with the rest of New England. I promise if you stop acting like such a little spaz, they won't tease you...that much.


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That was a long rant over New Hampshire.

Andrei Trostel's picture

The length is representative of how long they've had it coming. Although, I guess that explains why it took two weeks to publish it.
;-P

Dick.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Is this some of that progressive New Hampshire tolerance I have been hearing so much about? I love it when they argue for me.
;-P

The whole obsession over the Old Man of the Mountain is understandable, they've written stories and books based on it. What worries me is why New Hampshire won't just go do something to be recognized for instead of whining about wind. And mountains.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Evie,
Thank you for reading and commenting.
I hear what you are saying, but I'm not sure what the big deal is. Did it kind of look like a face? Yes. However, do you know how many rock formations there are in this country, that look like faces? As a rock climber, who grew up in Washington state, I have seen more rock outcroppings that look like faces than the entire population of New Hampshire.
;-P

Gavin Pitt's picture

I actually remember that "Wind Record" item on the news here in 1996. We were all like "Grouse! Suck it, New Hampshire, wherever the hell you are!" and then got on with the business of frantically dumping buckets water on the bushfires all the hot winds had spread everywhere. I myself actually lost the title of Australia's "Resident Giant Windbag" after a Japanese whaler in our Antarctic waters accidentally harpooned a Sei Whale with a spear loaded with helium for inflating Hello-Kitty parade balloons, instead of explosives. To this day, you can still see Aaron the air whale off the Northern most tip of Mount Erebus.

btw- Is that Monica Cigar cover real? Because that would blow me away faster than she did Bill!

Neat article, as usual :goes to find New Hampshire on map:

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha Thanks Gav for being such a good sport. That was for your Good Bad and Fugly article. ;-P

Yes, of course that Monica Cigar cover is real. It is a real photoshopped and completely fabricated photograph of a cover of a Cigar magazine. Someone else put her head there, but I spent a great deal of time depixelating it, matching the hues and tones, softening the lines and making it look generally more believable. Your questioning if it was real made it all worth it. Thanks for that.

Gavin Pitt's picture

Heh.

Monica Lewinksi; well, you never can tell in America. I knew the photo of me in a snowy blizzard was photoshopped, because it had snow in it- snow is mythical over here.

Old Man of the Mountain eh? We have one of those at Hanging Rock- this being Australia, our one ate six schoolgirls *g*

Andrei Trostel's picture

Yeah, sticking an Aussie into a blizzard is totally unbelievable so I didn't even bother with the extreme photoshop antics.
Sticking Monica Lewinsky with a cigar?
Well that's easy.
;-P

Ironic that you spend so much time trashing a state you know so little about. A state that voted blue in the last election, a state that has a female majority in its congress (I believe the only one that does) and one of only 5 states that allows gay marriage.

Sure, wind is cool and we pride ourselves on Mt. Washington, which has had an incredible number of hiking accidents on it (many more than just about any other mountain, which might be why we care so much about our wind). But more importantly, we're not nearly the backwater suck you think we are- and frankly more progressive than Washington state on a lot of issues (see above).

Get out and visit the world, dude, it's a wonderful place, no matter how you spell your name, with one t, two t's whatever. we'd love to have you come visit New Hampshire too, you might be surprised, you might like it (and it remarkably resembles the topography of Washington).

Andrei Trostel's picture

Did I understand you correctly? You pride yourself on Mt. Washington, because you have an incredible number of hiking accidents on it and that is why you care so much about your wind? You aren't helping your case here Paul. In addition, not finding the humor in all of it, while reading a comedy article, doesn't help your case either. For the record, I have been to New Hampshire.
I prefer Vermont, but thanks for reading and commenting.
;-P

Oh yeah, and a guy named Andrei is mocking a guy named Scot for how he spelled his name? Not that there's anything wrong with either name in my book. But they did teach you the meaning of the word "irony" at Evergreen State College, right? Just priceless.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Paul, if it makes you feel any better, I mock myself all the time too.
Let's see, irony...is that the one where a guy from New Hampshire visits a progressive comedy website, takes everything seriously, and then proclaims to be the progressive one? Or maybe it was just flattening shirts in a really adorable way. Eh, I can never remember.
;-P

Ohhh, it was a comedy article. I thought comedy was supposed to be funny, or at least making fun of something with a bit of factual accuracy. Then again, a guy named Andrei mocking a guy named Scot is actually pretty funny, even if it wasn't intended.

Vermont? Did you know that it has a larger percentage of the population that is white than New Hampshire, the state you refer as "You won't believe how white we are"?

Oh to be as wise and sheltered as a young college student again.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Ohhh, so you guys actually still have The Old Man of the Mountain? No.
Wait, maybe you still hold the record for the fastest wind then?
No.
Hmmm, seems to be full of some hilarious facts to me.
Yes, Vermont is also very white, but Vermont has way more cows and is still full of less shit than New Hampshire.

Wait, you lose your sense of humor when you get older? Lighten up people, it is a comedy website. Your lack of sense of humor in representing your state is simply "blowing" me away here! Maybe that is why I still have my sense of humor, you know, because I am so wise and sheltered, apparently. I guess your sense of humor simply blew away, or maybe it just blows period.
;-P

An article I read recently refutes most of this article, its called "New Hampshire is better then blow". check it out http://tinyurl.com/yfrd7b3/index.php?id=a775ff03af9f90a41723b5a46295960e

Andrei, don't quit your day job for that stand-up gig just yet. Oh, and the 1980's called and asked me to pass on a message... LOVE LOVE LOVE the mullet dude!

Andrei Trostel's picture

You can call them back and let them know that a mullet is short in the front and long in the back. I just have long hair, but way to once again represent how tolerant and progressive things are where you come from. I LOVE LOVE LOVE when the commenter does the arguing for me with their own words.
;-P

sex sells. Emphasis on the period there. So do alcohol, drugs, violence, and redemption stories. This covered none of the above. I've only met one guy who was from washington, and he was pretty interesting because he did interesting things and then told people (like me) about them. Im pretty sure he's not pursuing a career in writing. But if he was and could actually write i would read his stories. This is a college humor site, i didnt find alot of humor in your story. You can let your ego say that im a dumbass and your to intellectual to lower yourself to writing peices that appeal to people like me but lets get honest; the average american i.q. is 98. And thats with people like us bringing the number up some. So lets "dumb" it down a bit and write stuff people care about. Because people don't care about new hampshire, even when your writing a peice on why new hampshire is stupid and why said state is worthless.

Andrei Trostel's picture

You comment more words than you column

Andrei Trostel's picture

Well at least I don't ignore my readers and have the balls to reply. I also don't hide behind supposed anonymity either.

Yes you do

Nathan DeGraaf's picture

You comment more than you column. You bitch about writing more than you write. You care about your place in the word world more than the words within the world.

All my humble opinion. And I apologize so that makes it okay.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I appreciate the feed back Nate, that was way more useful than, "yes you do."
Thanks.

live in a glass house much nathan? you cry about not getting paid enough all the time. you bitch about writing more then anyone. you throw shit fits and run from the site only to return to do it again later. grow up man child.

Andrei Trostel's picture

M,
I appreciate the support, but let's not forget that everyone has their faults and nobody is perfect. I certainly have my faults too. Let's stop all the shit throwing and get back to adding more laughter to the world, not less.
Thanks

my boss is from new hampshire and has his old tag from his car bolted to the wall. i wish he would go back. and i laughed more at people tearing u up then i did your article. good try tho.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Bolted to the wall?
That's hilarious!
As long as it brought you laughter in some way then it was totally worth writing in my mind.

New Hampshire voted Clinton in '92 and '96, Bush in '00, Kerry in '04 (after witnessing the first four Bush years) and Obama in '08. I really don't see what's so overwhelmingly red about that. You call New Hampshire backwards as if you've never been anywhere in the south. The State quarter and license plates were designed before the Old Man in the Mountain fell. Are Salmon really that exciting? How many Die Hard movies were named after anything Washington related?

Why the hate? Did New Hampshire kill your parents?

For more about why New Hampshire isn't really that bad, or backwards or red, check out this informative chart: http://i.imgur.com/kpb5A.png

Andrei Trostel's picture

Grant, by far this is the best argument I have heard yet.
"How many Die Hard movies were named after anything Washington related?"
HAHAHA!!! That's great!
I wonder where sense of humor would fall on that chart? If there isn't any hard data on that then maybe they could use this comment section as a valuable research tool. I mean if there is one thing that we have demonstrated here, it is that people from New Hampshire are tools when it comes to sense of humor.
Oh and for the record: Early into the DVD commentary for the film, both Len Wiseman (the director) and Bruce Willis note a preference for Die Hard 4.0 as a title, and subtly mock the Live Free or Die Hard title.
;-P

you guys should spend more time in the woods and less time on the computer. NEW HAMPSHIRE FOR DAMN SURE!!!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Suck it mother fuckers,

I was born in North Bend, Washington.
I'm fairly certain that I have spent more collective time in the woods than you any day.

You're just jealous that your mountain will never blow has hard as ours did.
:P

i don't get why your talking shit about new hampshire. do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? oh and for the record i was born in a cave on the side mt monadnock and raised by black bears for the first 18 years of my life. and then lived with some eagles who taught me to harness the wind and fly high above the trees.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Suck it mother fuckers,

Haha I don't really have anything against New Hampshire. I read an article about the wind record being broken and thought it was really funny how everyone cared so much about it. I just thought it would make a funny comedy article, but everyone got SO bent out of shape about it. Jesus Christ people, if someone was trashing Washington state, I wouldn't have a fucking cow about it. Lighten up a little. This is a comedy website so read everything with your sense of humor turned on. You guys are giving people in New Hampshire a bad name when it comes to sense of humor.

HAHA well technically then you only spent 18 years in the woods and the rest OUT AND ABOVE the woods.
I still win.
:P

where do you think our nest was idiot? in the woods. ok so i was with the eagles for about 8 years and i'd say about 50% of that time was spent in the air and the rest in the woods. so thats 22 years of woodland experience right there. plus all the hiking, camping and canoeing i've done since i left my animal families and started living a "normal" human life. you had to expect people from nh to get pissed. you talk shit then hide behind the fact that you call it comedy but your not actually saying anything funny. i'm going to rip out your eyes and skull fuck you to death you fucking piece of shit. wicked funny right?

Andrei Trostel's picture

Suck it mother fuckers,

Twenty two years, wow that is impressive and yet I still have you beat. Nice try though. ;)

Yes I thought a few might get pissed, but honestly I thought most of you had pretty good senses of humor. Then you all Ipswitched it up on me and went all serious. It's cool, I've been wrong before, but thanks for setting the record straight on that sense of humor thing though. :P

"I'm going to rip out your eyes and skull fuck you to death you fucking piece of shit." <-Actually I did laugh at that one...you know...because I have a sense of humor, but also because I am fond of the movie Full Metal Jacket.

As far as hiding, let's not forget that I am not the Anonymous commenter here, you are.

Now do us all a favor and go drown yourself in Wheeler Pond instead of getting all serious and hard on a comedy website. For someone who doesn't care what I have to say and thinks I should spend less time on the computer, you sure are putting a LOT of time and energy into this.

Have a great day New Ipswich.
;-)

is that you john wayne?

Andrei Trostel's picture

Is this me?

Andrei Trostel's picture

Listen up New Hampshire!
To make amends for my comedic rant about your state I decided to help you guys spread the word about your latest record which is HUGE!

http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/andrei-trostel/new-hampshire-blown-b...

;-)