Don't Worry New Hampshire, You Still Blow in a Big Way
Based on the MSNBC article "New Hampshire loses strongest wind gust title"
In the year 1996, a lot of mundane shit went overlooked that years later would seem like a really big deal. It was officially designated the International Year for the Eradication of Poverty. A foolish boast really, since there was nothing in place to give everyone on the planet a bunch of money, and last time I checked there are still a lot of poor people.
It was the year Bin Laden wrote The Declaration of Jihad on the Americans Occupying the Country of the Two Sacred Places, something that in hindsight maybe should have raised a few more eyebrows, but given the wind bag author and rather lengthy title, understandably wasn't a bestseller. It was the year the "fastest wind gust ever recorded on Earth" occurred in Australia, clocking in at 253 miles per hour. It was the year Alanis Morissette became the youngest person to win the Album of the Year award, with Jagged Little Pill, a record she still holds today. In fact I hear Alanis cuddles with that album nightly before falling asleep. It was also the year that Monica Lewinsky officially "worked" at the White House during Bill Clinton's term. I guess what I'm trying to say is, 1996 was filled with a lot of things not only blowing hard, but really hard to swallow.
I don't think this will ever get old.But I don't want to bore you to death with topics like the economy, terrorism, Grammy winners, or political scandals. Especially not with boring events that occurred almost 15 years ago. So let's talk about that gust of wind, eh? Wind is fucking crazy exciting isn't it?! You know what's even more exciting than wind? Wind that happened a decade and a half back, that's what! Now that's big news, which even though it totally blows, is still absolutely worth obsessing over...maybe even crying about...or um...NOT. You see, it seems that New England's little political red-headed step-child, New Hampshire, is all abuzz with sadness over a gust of wind that happened way back in 1996. This particular tragic gust of wind happened on Australia's Barrow Island during Cyclone Olivia and was measured at an amazing 253 miles per hour!
So why is this such a big deal and worth getting upset over? Well, it isn't worth getting upset over, because it's just fucking wind! The better question is, "Why is this such a big deal to New Hampshire?" You see, apparently, until that gust of wind was measured, New Hampshire held the world record for the fastest wind gust ever recorded on Earth, and for some reason, New Hampshire gave a shit about that. I guess if you live in New Hampshire there isn't that much to do or get really excited over, so things like wind being to seem like a big deal.
New England's political red-headed step-child.New Hampshire's famous gust of wind, the one they pride themselves on, occurred at an observatory atop Mount Washington back in 1934. That's right, New Hampshire is still excited about a single gust of wind from 1934 and yet people today are still surprised when they make idiotic, archaic, political decisions.
Actual quotes from Scot Henley, the observatory's executive director: "It's obviously a big disappointment. Having the world record for over six decades was such a part of the soul of this organization and for fans of Mount Washington around the country." Apparently fame is so easily achieved these days that even mountains now have fans! "No one noticed the new record gust at the time," Henley said. "Somehow it fell through the cracks and the Australians didn't think it was a big deal. We hear that, and it kinds of blows our minds, but of course, we're weather fans and we're tuned into that sort of thing."
The Australians didn't think it was a big deal, Scot, because like I said, it's just fucking wind! The only thing to ponder about Australia's wind is whether their resident giant windbag, Gavin Pitt, has anything to do with it, because according to Alex Boonstra, he apparently does put a lot of effort into blowing.
Both Gavin and Mount Washington are apparently really big blowhards.
Scot went on to say that the official title at issue is "highest wind gust ever recorded on the surface of the Earth by means of an anemometer." But to most people in New Hampshire, it was simply "The Big Wind." By the way Scot, just out of curiosity, did The Big Wind of New Hampshire blow the other "t" off your name? Last time I checked, Scott had two "t"s and to spell it with just one is equally as sad as your ridiculous wind obsession. Scott (fuck him and his missing "t," I'm writing it correctly from now on) then went on to say, "So the work continues up there, and we'll be ready for the next one."
Wait, just so we're clear, this work you're referring to is sitting around waiting for a future gust of wind?! I know homeless people who work harder than that! According to the observers, "they are paid little and work 12-hour shifts, seven days a week. They get free food, long vacations, and every other week off." Wait, maybe these guys actually ARE homeless people. They are also reported to be minor media stars, because of their daily radio forecasts which are broadcast in New Hampshire and Maine and given in their quirky, monotone delivery.
Aww, they even had a sign and everything.Yes, you read that right, people, they are minor media stars because they report about boring things in a boring voice. First mountains get fans and now boring, monotone, weather reporters get them too. It's like they're now handing out fans like Nobel Prizes or something. Although I guess it's understandable, because I also have a tendency to get very entertained by homeless people muttering to themselves about inane crap.
What really makes this all so sad and tragic, to New Hampshire, is that they significantly prided themselves on this "Big Wind" and now it has been discovered that their precious little record was actually broken almost 15 years ago. However, what makes this all so sad and tragic to the rest of the world is that New Hampshire significantly prided themselves on a 76-year-old gust of fucking wind! Seriously, New Hampshire?! Is that all you've got?! That's just pathetic. My heart truly goes out to you for your public loss of dignity, however, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your dignity was in significant danger the moment you started placing your dignity on whichever way the wind blows.
New Hampshire, where backwards thinking is just called voting.It occurs to me that New Hampshire is actually a lot like that awkward home-schooled person you can't quite figure out. At first you cut them a little slack, because after your first encounter, you naturally assume they're retarded. Then, after several other strange and unusual encounters, you begin to realize that they aren't really mentally impaired, just a little socially backwards. That pretty much describes New Hampshire, a state constantly clinging to things they think other people care about, but in reality couldn't give a shit about. I'm here to tell you, New Hampshire, that the rest of us are just humoring you, because the entire country feels a little sorry for you and your backward confusion about things.
New Hampshire, like old hampshire, but newer.While I have your attention and all eyes are on New Hampshire, do you know what else is kind of sad? Their obsession with The Old Man of the Mountain. I'm sure everyone has thought it at one time or another, but no one really wants to say it for fear of hurting New Hampshire's fragile ego. But if you wanted sensitivity and tact you probably wouldn't be reading PIC, so I'm just going to tell New Hampshire, once and for all, what the rest of us are thinking: The Old Man of the Mountain obsession is a fucking joke to the rest of the country too! You've made damn sure that we've all seen it, because it's on the New Hampshire license plate, the New Hampshire state emblem, the New Hampshire quarter, and New Hampshire t-shirts. Here's the thing though, it's time to let it go, New Hampshire, because ironically, the only place you guys DON'T have the Old Man of the Mountain now, is ON THE FUCKING MOUNTAIN!!
For the record, our mountains blow WAY harder than yours!That's right, that famous rock outcropping that New Hampshire shoves down everyone's throat actually crumbled into oblivion back in 2003! People were so distraught over it's collapse that they left flowers at the base of the cliffs in tribute. Some state legislators sought to change the New Hampshire state flag to include the profile, and many people even suggested replacing the Old Man with a scale plastic replica. On the first anniversary of the collapse, the state unveiled coin-operated viewfinders near the base of the the cliff that shows how the Old Man USED to appear. In addition, New Hampshire is now planning on building an Old Man of the Mountain memorial which will consist of five huge stones that, when viewed from a raised platform, merge into a form that recreates the original profile. We're talking about rocks to memorialize other rocks, people! Am I the only one who thinks this is weird?! I mean, when Mount St. Helens erupted in my home state of Washington, we didn't memorialize the mountain the way it used to be, but focused on the future by letting the environment respond naturally to the disturbance. How freaking weird would it have been if we drew up plans to have the mountain rebuilt, out of plastic, to the way it was BEFORE the eruption?!
New Hampshire, just face simple facts: You are a small, sad little state clinging to things the way they used to be and I think the reason you cause so much political upheaval is for nothing more than attention. These attention-gathering tactics put you at about the intellect level of a 3-year-old, and frankly, the rest of the country thinks you should stop acting like a whiny little cry baby. Get over all these childish temper tantrums and come on board with the rest of New England. I promise if you stop acting like such a little spaz, they won't tease you...that much.