Queefing on Command

Queefing is a skill mastered thru years of dedication and vaginal exercise.

>>> The Strumpet's Trumpet
By staff writer Allison Parks
October 10, 2007

The ability to queef on command isn’t something you’re born with. It’s a skill, mastered only through years of dedication and grueling vaginal exercise. But perhaps under my tutelage, you can learn to queef by following a rigorous 4-step training session.

First, you may be wondering, “Why do I want to learn this sexy skill?” Well, I will tell you why.

Queefing on command will enrich your life in many ways. Intruding bears at your campsite? The thundering claps of your commanding queefs will send them running for the hills. Not in the mood? A blast from your poon—mistaken for a fart—will make your partner’s noodle go limp. Queefing will win admiration and laughter from your friends and peers. Friends say the only reason they hang out with me is to witness my circus-like queefing performances.

"Eventually you'll feel a vortex of air suck up into your poon. Spread farther and suck harder!"

Once you become a seasoned queefer, your vagina will blow out like an old Schwinn tire, and you will be able to skip many of these steps and get right down to business. The following instructions are intended for the amateur queefer. Pay close attention, many lackadaisical students (Sarah) have resisted my teachings and refused to open up their poonies and hearts to the wonderful world that is queefing, claiming their vaginas are too small or some such hog wash.

Step 1: Take a bath.

Something about a warm bath softens up your lady parts and creates a vaginal climate conducive to queefing. The longer you soak your moose knuckle, the more likely you are to have a successful vadge-blasting experience.

Step 2: Drain bath and assume the position.

Once the bathtub is drained, you will need to put your legs over your head as if you were welcoming a romantic visitor—say, Court Sullivan—and needed to make plenty of room for his gargantuan wang. Make sure there is nothing obstructing your lady hole—all of your flesh flaps (and you’ve got plenty) must be thrown over your shoulder and out of the way. You may need a helper on each side of the tub to hold open your labia majora.

Step 3: Suck in.

Now that your glory hole is open, suck in your stomach as hard as you can. This may take a few tries, but eventually you will feel a vortex of air suck up into your poon. Don’t lose faith at this step; you may not feel the air at first, but keep trying!! Spread farther and suck harder! Once the air is in there, hold it in and close your legs.

Step 4: Push out.

Push out air and revel in your roaring thunderous queef. Watch the light fixtures shake and your house guests brace themselves in doorways and under tables. No, that wasn’t an earthquake! You’ve done it! You’ve made your first queef! I’m so proud of you!

Once you’ve practiced your new skill, you’ll be able to take your queefing out of the bathtub and into the world. Here’s a fun little story about queefing that you can try with your gal pals.

One evening my friends Sarah, Ashley, and I were taking a taxi to the Last Dick Saloon, or some place equally fabulous, I don’t really remember. Anywho, I, being an advanced queefer, just started queefing away while Sarah and Ashley had a normal conversation with the driver.

“So, what’s the happening spot tonight?” asked Sarah, as if my blasts weren’t erupting in the back seat.

“Umm, what is that?” said the driver, rolling down his window. Ashley attempted to join in the conversation, but couldn’t stifle her laughter.

“It’s kind of cold in here,” said Sarah, “would you mind closing the window?”

All the while my hilarious queefs continued. Needless to say, the driver quickly dropped us off, cursing Allah and declaring Jihad on my naner.

And don’t worry fellas, these lessons aren’t just for ladies. Dan the Farter from The Howard Stern Show claims that these same steps can be applied to buttholes/farting, although I have yet to experience success in this arena.

There you have it! Queefing! The secret to happiness! Enjoy your new vaginal agility and please, please, use your powers for good (scaring bears to protect loved ones) and not evil (blowing Jehovah’s witness’ off your porch).

More from PIC:

I suppose queefing is the only way your dusty 'ol monster poket will see any action, eh?

I didn't mean it. Please, come back. I can change, I swear.

Wow! Good stuff! You need to be one of those mountain-top oracles. You should have Nate NeGraff's anti-love-child. If you had a girl, she could start fires and queef them out!

How's mom these days? Still asking about your latest bowel movement? Did she teach you your queefing skills? I bet she's so proud of this article.

you are a 'tard

A Jihad on your naner...


I assume this article is an extended inside joke amongst your friends. It's still fairly funny humorous to those directly involved though.

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Queefing on command? Huh. I've only seen that in porn movies.

All of these articles are so hit-or-miss. Mostly miss. Especially this one.

Oh wise sage Jeanna,

What other fucking options are there besides "hit or miss"?

I can't tell if your hot or not. You need better pictures.

I take that back, it's only <b>I</b> who needs better pictures.

I'm guessing this comes on the heels of the recent queef-offs on the Howard Stern Show?

Maybe you should compete?

Is this real?

In all seriousness--<b>Thank You</b>. I've been scouring the internet for hours to learn this skill. The things we do for men!

Ha! Or you can just get this funny pink toy "La Queefer"

it makes lady fart noises every time you squeeze it!


haha. i can make myself queef! i learned how to do it on command when i was like 11. its pretty awesome.

Hello! eeedcdc interesting eeedcdc site!

Very nice site!

this is the funniest thing i have ever read! Every girl should be required to learn this in 6th grade health class

omg this article is hilarious!
i was crying from laughing so hard!

Female musicians can also queef into wind instruments to play them.

Omg that was so funny im gona go try it now!

OMG i peed from laffin so hard. if i sit like im about to do it doggy style, you can hear me pull air in. it make a whoosh noise- sounds like the start of a fricken hurricane. i can do it standin up and sitting normal 2. cant do it with my feet behind my head like my girl bff can though :( but i can get my feet behind my head ;) anyway u wud like 2 be a part of that? jk im not a slut at all. still a virgin at 21! yay !!! i am friends with much more guys than girls and they laff so hard cuz they think its fascinating cuz they cant do it! i love bein me. one time, me and like 6 of my guy friends went to a movie and at all the romantic parts or quiet sad scenes i would queef and everyone in there heard it! lol 4 of my friends and 2 random guys asked me out aftr. i guess its like sexy... weird... anyway denied em like a bitch except kevin (bff i secretly had crush on since 3rd grade) wow! i think i have the longest comment here so l8r peeps! ;)

This is not true, it is not just a skill that can be learnt, i have been able to do this since the age of 14 with no practice whatsoever. I found out by doing the bicycle exercise, all i did was lifted my legs in the air and air came into my vagina. As i lowered my legs air came back out. Since then i have been able to do this at will and am now 42!!!