8 Sex Acts Off-Limits with Your Girlfriend

When it comes to hooking up, you have to play by the rules.

>>> About Last Night...
By staff writer Ali Wisch
March 1, 2006

1. Anything Involving the ASS HOLE:
Every girl I know has been through a situation similar to this one. You’re watching Wedding Crashers, and it’s about an hour in. Your man’s hand is no longer on your shoulder but now on your boob. Things start to get a little hot. Before you know it the pants are off and the hands are exploring further terrain. Everything is going well until...WHOA! HELLO! NOT OKAY, NOTTTTTT OKAY. You boyfriend’s finger is now immersed in last night’s dinner’s…leftovers. Talk about uncomfortable.

2. Golden Showers:Save these for prostitutes in the Red Light District, frat initiations, and R. Kelly.Please, if you can tell me one thing about getting pissed on that is sexual, I would love to hear it. I know people have fetishes so please, suck on as many toes all you want. The second urine comes into the picture, however, you are no longer engaged in sexual activity. You are engaged in role playing: as a toilet seat. That’s not sexy.

3. Ejaculation of the Face: The only white cream I want on my face is pore cleanser. Sure, I’ve seen this act numerous times in porn videos online. And while yes, sometimes these girls do look like they are enjoying themselves, keep in mind they are also getting paid. If you’re thinking “outside the box,” think tits and ass, not eyeballs.

4. Unsolicited Three-Ways: I’m sure at some point in your life, you will partake in a three-way. If not, your choice. But let’s say you’re hooking up with your man of the moment, your flavor of the week. You’re not thinking of having a three-way; you haven’t even talked about having a three-way, yet his frat buddy comes into the room and asks if he can join in. Something is wrong. Why are you the only one alarmed in this situation? Why is the presence of two penises in such close proximity not raising red flags with anyone else? Word to the wise: just say no. Until actual penetration is involved, there is always time to hop off of that lofted bed and bolt for the door.

5. Anything Involving Your Best Friend: I’m sure he’s asked. If he hasn’t, he’s either stupid or gay. However, you should never consent to anything involving your best friend. Yes, he probably fantasizes about it, but fantasies are just that—not reality. Do you really want your BFF to know the size of your boyfriend’s schlong and the contours of your vagina? I didn’t think so.

6. Baby Talk: Ooo mommy, baby likes it when you sucky his wee wee. What. The. Fuck. I’m sorry but there is nothing less sexual than thinking that the “wee wee” you’re sucking on belongs to a guy who likes to pretend he’s your child. It’s called “fast-forward into the future, walking in on your husband’s kiddy porn stash.” Take this as some major foreshadowing.

7. Raping the Face: If you didn’t know this already, most girls won’t even stay with someone who is a bad kisser. We like our lips kissed, ears are an all systems go, and the neck is definitely a safe zone. Cheekbones, nostrils, and eyebrows should only be licked by dogs—and I’m not talking about dickhead guys.

8. Hickies: I’m not anti-hickies. A little suckage never killed anyone, but nobody wants to look like they’ve been attacked by a swarm of leeches. Forcing the girl you hooked up with to walk around wearing a turtleneck or scarf in April is nothing short of humiliating. The only place you or your girl should be sucking on is…not be visible to the public.

Please Note: I am aware that there are a lot of people who like to engage in all eight topics listed above, and there is nothing wrong with that. These are my personal views and the views of people I have discussed the above topics with.

More from PIC:

Funny observations, good article.

bryan you tosser you must be a bitch to!!! wanker

Ali, I always look forward to reading your articles. They are comedy Gold

I really thought I was the only one number 1 had happened to. Good to know I'm not alone

I'm a little concerned that so many of you women have yesterday's "leftovers" in your pants. Leftovers, remember, is the stuff "left over", so maybe learn to wipe, or choose better phrases.

I find it interesting she doesnt say anything about titty-fucking, i would think would be a major part of this list

pffff agree with some shit you say...guys can be very perverted...honestly i can see anyone putting their finger in your ass or crying to yo like your his mommy or even pissing on you...seriously wtf......they might as well fuck sheep

edit: i said " i can see" i mean "I can't see"

What is it that chicks don't like about ejaculation on the face? I mean if you're okay with it on your chest, what's a few inches north...

Ali, As much as I enjoy reading your article, I feel like you really have no idea on this one. People's sexuality and ideas change after a certain age. What was once taboo becomes exceptable. A majority of women over 28 (in my experience,which was quite vast before my marriage) are VERY sexually experimental. It's almost as though most women after a certain age, are willing to at least try ANYTHING once. If they don't enjoy it they are mature enough to speak rationally about it after it occurs. The problem with this point is that between the people I interact with on a daily basis, I have knowledge (either personally or from friends) of a ton of women who actually enjoy a few things on this list (with the exception of hickies,they are at no time acceptable). I hope you get the chance to open up your sexual exploration a bit more, thats what college is for. Also for a great look into alternative lifestyles check out newbienudes.com to see what kind of exploration people are into. It is a great resource, and a place for people with a mind set for exploration. I think the amount of people on this amatuer site will change your opinion on few things. Have a great day. And keep up the great work.

Ali is a stuck-up prude.

Hilarious article!
Seriously - Marc - did you forget to read the small print at the bottom or do you just like to feel superior? Like you know something we don't?
Some people like these things, some people don't...it has nothing to do with age.
And it has nothing to do with the writer's sexuality or experimentation...so keep the lectures to yourself and enjoy the humor!
Great article Ali. Made my day!

So if 3 of those 8 apply to me, does that mean you <i></i>wouldn't<i></i> go out with me?

i disagree with number 1..., nothing better than a good thumb up your ass...

marc- if youre older than 28 stop frequenting this site...sicko.
oh and if you can find a girl who likes when you splooge on her face, you better marry that bitch.

ew marc freaks me out.

Huh? This wasn't even vaguely funny.Why didn't you just title the article "Things I, personally, don't like"?

What really confused me was the disclaimer at the end. If you're already aware of the fact that plenty of people enjoy some or all of these activities, doesn't that kind of invalidate your whole point?

Maybe I just didn't get it.

You are the most un-funny and horribly out of touch writer I have ever encountered. Court must have been high when he added you. Either that or sleeping with you.

<b></b> :lol: :lol: SUCH A GREAT ARTICLE!!!
Ali, you're a great writer keep it up!

I think your writing style is awesome and appeals to the collegiate crowd. To those who are reading this and are hating stop hating and if you are complaining go complain about something you can change like your government, not Ali's writing style. Geez! Ali keep it up :)

Jess, u call marc a sicko (and i agree with you), and yet u like having thumbs up ur ass...maybe ur just denying being sick...

Very funny article Ali keep it up!

All disclaimers aside, you Ali, must have a really dull sex life.

You may want to nulify that opinion by having an article about sex acts that everyone MUST try, but I doubt you'd be able to list anything other than "lay there and wait for him to finish."

HA! Go DJ.

Come on, now. Why is it every man or women who writes an article like this one feels free to report his/her own sex act likes and dislikes as everyones? Why are you so uptight? People can like anything, sexually, and, as long as it's between two consenting adults, go ahead and cum/pee/choke/fist/whatever to your merry heart's content. The 'ew, that's yucky' sentiment of the emoticon addicts on this page I just don't get. Nobody, I hope, is holding you down and shoving their finger up your ass or splooging on your face, so lighten up and get over it if it's fun for someone else. Your column is about as funny as listening to a couple of sorority sisters bitch about their boyfriends.

this is the worst article ive ever read. this site has had some crappy articles, but this one take the cake. i hope you die alone. and get fired/removed from this site before then.

oh and anyone that smokes is a retard and isn't worth my time. Stop writing now! the man has spoken, and im sure i dont just speak for myself

peace out brothers

fuck you're funny. how about spanking your ass or hair pulling, or how about sucking toes and scrubbing down the rimmer? is it okay to ask her to make a sandwich for you?

i swear, some of you said cunts that post your comments here are about as funny as testicular cancer in a jar!
pretty good article there Ali, 2 more points would have been prefered but still good material there.

omg ur artcle sukd majr a$$ dnt eva rite agin!!!!111oneone

I hate THE MAN (not god, the guy who posted below). Every fuckin article that i read that i agree with this stupid ass has to come in to the picture with his history on the computer saying Incest Incest Incest AND MORE INCEST. Go fucking kill yourself loser.

I am probably the only guy who agrees with all of these. Esspecialy number 3. I dont know what other guys find so hot about doing their business on their girl's face, but its just not right. That does NOT go there, nor should it ever. Its just degrading for the girl (atleast I think it would be). That goes double for the golden showers. I cant think of anything erotic about pissing on someone.

Genuine Mach's picture

1, 3, and 6... really can't understand the appeal in any of those (those aren't the only ones, but the ones I tend to often feel like I'm in a minority, at least amongst men..) Some people think you're homophobic or you're insecure or something if you're not into #1... well I dunno what it feels like for gay men, I can admit that much ignorance, I just never saw assholes in a sexual way. So depending on your definitions of "homophobia" or "insecurity"... to me, it'd be like asking "hey can I fuck your ear? I've always wanted to try that..." (Maybe some people are into that as well? who knows..)

3 is whatever, just not very appealing to me either. Probably because I have this weird sexual chivalry thing where the woman has to be into it for me to be into it... ;) (though that doesn't really apply if it's something I'm not into already...like #1.. I'd probably just leave a girl who just went on nagging me about something like that... lol.) girls don't really seem to enjoy that, most likely they "tolerate" it, which makes it seem lame to me.

6- that is just disturbing to me, I don't care who's doing it, I have no interest in either feeling like a child having sex with an adult, or like I'm a pedophile...or someone's father. :-S

May you all die in hot coals and ashes.

I made mt boyfriend read this

LMAO! she's funny, most people agree with some of what she says. haters seem to be everywhere and hate everyone; don't listen to 'em.

yeah, it'd be interesting to see a list of what you SHOULD try. (and NB, some of us don't like having spooge squirted all over us; titties, face, belly, back. call me uptight, but i hate having to clean that gunk up. at least when it's deposited properly i'm in the right place to clean it up when it makes its reappearance.)

anyway - just discovered site, columnist, and am enjoying myself thoroughly (not like that, sicko!).

I like the page, but I hate to tell you that I've broken at least 6 of the rules and currently working on the other 2. Live a little. A little nasty sex never hurt onyone.

so, let me guess..... you don't shave either

HAHA served

Haha, I'm in high school and I enjoy this site, great advice for me later on! :p

All the comments about aggreing or disagreeing are retarded because its based on the concept that this list is in any way accurate as "8 sex acts off limits with your girlfriend" it would be more aptly named "8 sex acts off limits with the writer of this article" cool, now I'll know what not to do if I fuck Ali Wisch. What people are into is their own business, if anal sex and analplay were so off limits, as with any of these things people wouldn't fucking do them. My girlfriend likes 2 of these things, I agree some of it is good advice to generalize women as not liking their face raped, and not many people like hickies fine... some people do though. Sex acts are pretty diverse to say no one likes anal play.

you suck

This girl must be the worst lay ever, or fat..... Then again fat chicks will do anything.

But really you have alot of growing up to do sexually and it will come in time cause no older guy will put up with this.

The disclaimer at the end is like those little texts in a commercial...totally contradictory to the content...
She writes the 8 points as if they are universal truths and basically just laughs and mocks people who would try stuff like that.... And than the disclaimer says "its okay, just not my thing"

All I can say is you must have a really boring sex life. My girlfriend gets so turned on by taking it up the ass after a few minutes of pain. Ontop of that we also piss on each other somewhat regularly which may even involve consumption. She also happens to like when it gets rough, among other things.

Of course that's not the point is it? The point is you wrote an article listing the things you won't do, meaning you're passionate enough about NOT doing these things that one can only wonder what else you won't do.

Sex is the fruit of life and there are no set rules for doing it right, except to keep it interesting. If you keep a closed mind about sex, you will ultimately lose your taste for it.

wow, retards writing for retards, way to go, keep up the good work and all that


I find it funny that most people who disagree are actually male. By the way, read the fine print at the end. It's written that it's her opinion. Don't need to start flaming her because of her article. If you have your own preferences concerning sex, keep them to yourself.

well why dont you keep what you think to your self you stupid bitch!!

I'm female, and I like anal.

Wow! This is the Perfect Article... if you want to be a prude bitch that guys dump because she sucks in bed.

I don't like doing all eight activities that are listed as off limits but I do like most of them. Let me explain why.

1. Ass play. I love anal. The girl I'm with right now loves ass-play, and she's the one that moved my hand there one night while we were having sex. Let your partner do this if you want to keep him interested. Girls that don't immediately lose points in my head.

2. Golden Showers. I will agree that there is nothing sexual about golden showers to me.

3. Ejaculation on the Face. I don't know why this is number three, because it is my favorite thing.
One day, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time. I didn't ejaculate while we were having sex and she was giving me a hand job to finish me off. I came, but before I could get up to wash off she liked all the cum off my stomach and dick. I thought it was so hot! The next time we were having sex I asked her what I call the "marriage material" question, "where do you want me to cum?", her response was "in my mouth" Ding ding ding, that is the correct response ladies. But we would have also accepted "Face" or "Ass" in place of "mouth".
So what's the point? The average American college age male has looked at porn for ten years and sees the behaviors in pornography as normal. Shooting a hot load of cum on a girls face has simply become the only way I am supposed to cum.
4. Unsolicited Threesomes. I have personally not ever had a threesome, and I do agree with you that having a roommate walk-in would probably be more startling than sexual. But, I think many men think she will be so turned on while having sex that at the point the roommate walks in she'll be willing to have a threesome.

5. BFF. Forget the best friend, my dream is to get have a threesome with the girl and her sister. Twins are a plus!

6. Baby talk. I don't want to be your baby at all, but I do want you to be mine. I would love it if you would call me "Daddy" during foreplay and sex. I don't want this all the time, but men like to feel powerful, and making your man feel powerful is the key to making him want you. So for fuck's sake, could you throw in a "Fuck me harder Daddy!" every once in a while!

7. Raping the face? I'm not sure if you mean Fucking the face, as in she lays down and he fucks her mouth with his penis. Or do you mean just being too rough with kissing. Either way, I'd agree with you that neither are great.
What I do like is girls who like to be choked a little. I love to be having sex doggy style and then pull her hair to lift her head back a bit, then put my arm around her neck while we deeply kiss. Its not like a deprivation of air thing, it is just like I want to kiss you so bad that I'm pulling you toward me kinda hard.

8. Hickies. I agree that these are juvenile.

Please Note: I am aware that there are a lot of people who like to engage in all eight topics listed above, and there is nothing wrong with that. These are my, and every other guy in America's personal views and the views of people I have discussed the above topics with.


this girl must be butt ugly.no real man gonna put up wit this .

You sound like the most sexually boring fuck ever. 'Nothing involving the asshole'? Plenty of women like/ demand it that aren't pressured by a dickhead boyfriend or paid by a porn company.

what a stuck up prude!! you must be so boaring id turn gay being with you sad sack you are

I'm a girl.
1) I love it up the ass.
2) Ok, I agree with you on that point...
3) Perfectly happy with that. Yes, I'm a girl who likes that. And I'm not a porn star or a prostitute.
4) Ok, again I agree. I'd rather have a surprise threeway with another girl.
5) My guy's never asked, but yeah, I'd say no.
6) That's just... wrong. Why would you want to fuck someone who acts like a kid?!
7) My boyfriend kisses me everywhere. That includes all of my face. And licks. What's the problem?
8) Nothing wring with hickeys...

My girl had better do all these or I'm done with her. These are rules for bitch-made phaggots. Not guys.