Tony: If you ever listen to a thing I say, listen to this and take it to heart: Eat cheese while you’re young.

Don: I can’t believe she cheated on me.
Darren: Why not? Everyone in this room has fucked her.
Me: I never did.
Darren: No, but you could have. It’s the same thing.
Me: How is that the same thing? If that were true, then I’ve had sex with millions of girls without knowing it.
Darren: I see your point, but I think your numbers may be a little skewed.
Me: You’re telling me that any of America’s 5 million fattest girls wouldn’t sleep with me?
Jake: I don’t know Darren. This country has a shitload of fat chicks.

Don: At least you had the respect to leave her alone while she was dating me.
Me: Dude, I didn’t know she was dating you at the time. I just thought she was ugly.
Jake: Take this conversation outside, right now! I’ve had too much busted furniture ‘cause Donny picks skanks.

Don: I don’t even know why I hang out with you guys.
Darren: Who else would listen to you bitch about the inevitable and the obvious?
Me: Ouch.

Don: Seriously, how was I to know that she was cheating on me?
Darren: Let’s see. She always made plans with you far in advance, she got mad when you came over unannounced even though you’d been together like five months, and she never gave a shit what you were doing. Oh yeah, and Nate told you she was cheating on you.
Don: But no one listens to Nate.
Darren: Not when he’s babbling on, but when he says straight to the point shit like, “That restaurant sucks, that liquor is watered down and I saw your woman giving head to some Cuban in an Ybor City alley” well yeah, then we tend to listen.
Me: I’m like EF Hutton, except you only wanta listen to like one tenth of the shit I say.
Jake: If that.

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Don: Who’s EF Hutton?
Me: It’s from some old financial company commercial. Saturday Night Live used to make fun of it.
Darren: And it’s also probably the name of some dude your girlfriend fucked.
Jake: All I have to say is that if you break my furniture, you bought it.

Me: It’s not your fault, Donny. Look at it this way: she was cheating on you; you found out; and now you don’t have to worry about ending up with some stupid skank.
Darren: Yeah, now you can focus all of your energies on the next two bit gutter slut that digs your Camaro and needs a new step dad for her crack babies.

Me: Holy shit, that was a nice pop.
Jake: Get them outside Nate, I don’t need this shit.
Me: Come on guys. You can fuck each other up a lot more out in the yard with all the lawn tools.

Jake: Seriously, my granddad gave me this lamp.
Me: On the bright side: we didn’t have to call the police or an ambulance, and only one piece of furniture was broken. For this house, that’s a good night.
Jake: I’m never having you assholes over again. Poker night? More like fucking fight club.
Me: The first rule of poker night is you do not talk about Donny’s skanks.
Don: You’re going down asshole.