Alright, kids! This is not my favorite subject, but since it is Career Day… Yes, I do work for Satan.

Before we dig in, I just want to say that I’m not sure my experience is applicable today because this isn’t, like, my “career” or anything. It’s just a crappy day job, and I’m going to quit as soon as I get my credit cards paid off. That’s what I tell myself every day. Whenever I have insomnia, I practice my quitting speech. Honestly, it’s better than Ambien, knocks me right out.

I truly had no idea what I was getting into when I saw the Craigslist ad for “Eternal Damnator, 2nd shift—apply today, START TOMORROW!” Although I did get a feeling from the job description that it wasn’t going to be good… Lesson #1: Always trust your instincts, kids!

I want to make something clear about my present employment: Am I on-board with the ethical practices of my boss and his company? Absolutely not. It was humbling to discover that I’m mildly aroused by the flagellation element of the job, but I would give it up in a heartbeat to work in Heaven where everything is perfect—there’s employee profit-sharing, and you don’t have work through your lunch break doxing lefty journalists.

The thing is, God never posts his openings online. It’s so annoying; I don’t even know where to send my résumé! Have you kids heard anything? I’m pretty sure you have to know someone to get an interview.

OK, I see a hand. Do I like Satan? Haha, that’s a good question. Unfortunately, I don’t feel comfortable answering it because I always have a vague sense that he can hear me when I’m talking about him—like maybe I butt-dialed him by accident and if I say the wrong thing I’ll burn forever. It’s hard to explain, but you’ll understand when you get older.

In terms of practical advice, the secret to maintaining your sanity while working for the Devil is staying above the fray. You can’t afford to get sucked into the office drama because your coworkers, fellow minions of Satan, are not the kind of people you want to associate with outside of work. Unless that is, you’re looking for partners in your mail theft scheme, a hired assassin, or you want to get into multi-level marketing. Honestly, you can’t even trust these folks with the bathroom key—I’ve never met a group so into literal toilet “humor”!

Aside from a hobbyist-level interest in witchcraft, I do not drink the Kool-Aid. I just show up to do my job—a job I specifically accepted because I would not have to take it home with me—and then at night and on weekends I pursue my true passion: rescuing blind pit bulls.

It’s dawning on me as I look into your fresh, uncorrupted faces that a younger me might be disappointed with my career—er, job—path. Well kids, I not going to sugarcoat lesson #2: Life is basically a series of lose-lose scenarios that force you to slowly abandon your moral code and then you die.

Oops! I’m getting the “cut” gesture from Mrs. Walker in the back. Sorry about that little tangent, let’s get back on track with another question.

What’s it like on our corporate campus?

Have you ever seen The Wolf of Wall Street? It’s like that, except Jonah Hill isn’t the only one eating 5,000 calories for lunch every day. And while we have a decent chance of getting shot at this school, my Hell office probably has more guillotines than you’re used to. Oh, and it’s crucial to dress in layers because Hell is pretty much the hottest you can get, both literally and figuratively speaking. I’ve tended to be cold in my past office experiences, but now I have the ruddy glow of a Monday morning alcoholic—and not just because I’ve started spiking my coffee!

Alrighty, Mrs. Walker is indicating my time is up. Before I go, I want to leave you all with lesson #3: Dream big! Then later when you become a working stiff on Lucifer’s payroll, you can use those dreams as fuel to laugh at what your life has become. Seriously, nothing beats a good laugh in the infernal abyss… except for tears, which are great because it’s so dry down there.

OK, I see a hand in the back. I’ll just take this one last question… Why don’t I quit?

Kid, are you joking me? This is the first time I’ve had dental, I can’t just leave!


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