I’ve worked at Starbucks now for the better part of four years, and over these years, I’ve developed what I call "Starbucks ESP." I have the innate ability to predict someone’s drink order simply by looking at them. Some might call this racist or classist or sexist, but I like to think it only further enhances Starbucks’ "speed with service" mentality.

In order to better your own Starbucks experience, I felt it my duty as a customer service provider to let you, the consumer, know what your drink order really says about you. Because, believe it or not, your baristas base their judgment of you as a human being solely on what beverage you purchase.

French Vanilla Cappuccino  

Gas station cappucino machineIf you order this, you’re probably:

White trash.

What your barista is really thinking:

This person has no idea what they really just ordered and will be back in five minutes saying, "This doesn’t taste the same way as the one at the Shell station."

Skinny Latte

Reese Witherspoon drinking a Starbucks skinny latteIf you order this, you’re probably:

A middle-aged, upper-class white woman who hasn’t eaten since the mid-90’s.

What your barista is really thinking:

I could probably piss in this cup and dilute it with hot water and you wouldn’t know the difference between that and your sugar-free, fat-free $5 cup of air.

Caramel Frappuccino (Extra Whipped Cream, Extra Caramel)

Starbucks caramel frappucinoIf you order this, you’re probably:

Black.

What your barista is really thinking:

Whereas white people like to spend $5 on a drink that holds absolutely no nutritional value and tastes like warm urine, black people like to spend $5 on a drink that tastes like someone took four cups of sugar, blended it with ice, threw some whipped cream on top, and then poured a fifth cup of sugar over the top of that whipped cream.

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A Bold Coffee

Starbucks bold roast coffeeIf you order this, you’re probably:

A middle-aged white man.

What your barista is really thinking:

Come on now. You can’t tell the difference between the bold coffee and the mild coffee, you just ordered the bold coffee because you think it makes you look more manly. In reality, you’re going to get whichever coffee happens to be closest to me and you’re going to like it.

Breve Latte

Starbucks breve latteIf you order this, you’re probably:

On a low-carb "diet."

What your barista is really thinking:

Let’s be honest. You’re about to drink 20 ounces of steamed half & half. I don’t really think you give two shits about your diet, I think you’re using the excuse that half & half has fewer carbohydrates than milk. Yet, it has more calories, more fat, more saturated fat, and, oh yeah, is fucking gross. However, I will smile at you as I hand you your drink and say, "Mmm, this is my favorite!" because I want your tip money.

Any Drink with Half of a Splenda, Equal, Etc.

Equal, Splenda and Sweet 'n Low packetsIf you order this, you’re probably:

Too fucking lazy to put your own damn sugar in your coffee.

What your barista is really thinking:

I can think of about, oh, say, at least seven other things I would rather be doing right now than measuring out half a Splenda for your coffee and one of them may be sodomizing myself with the steam wand. If you’re going to be that picky about how much sweetener you want in your drink, put it in yourself because really, I’m not going to measure out half of something—I just put the whole packet in there and you never know the difference.

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Any Drink and Then Ask for a Sleeve

Starbucks coffee drink sleeveIf you order this, you’re probably:

A giant pussy.

What your barista is really thinking:

Starbucks standard policy is that sleeves are only for hot water-based beverages (e.g. coffee, tea, Americanos, etc). Therefore, we do not put sleeves on lattes, cappuccinos, frappuccinos, and what have you. Everyone asks for a sleeve anyway. After about six months of working for the company, I began to recognize what I have dubbed the International Hand Gesture for "I Need a Sleeve." What’s interesting is that the International Hand Gesture for "I Need a Sleeve" is very similar to the International Hand Gesture for "I Need a Handjob."

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I think Starbucks is a fantastic company to work for. Once you get to a certain point in working for a company, though, you have to start entertaining yourself somehow. My way just happens to be stereotyping people based on their beverage choices.

Oh and yes, I do expect you to tip me for making your ridiculously overpriced drink.

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