Recently I noticed that Starbucks discontinued their almond syrup but kept a surreal flavor called "Classic" readily available. I complained about them ceasing to serve breakfast sandwiches but keeping their store well stocked with copies of Cranium and baskets of stuffed bears. What I didn’t realize was that Starbucks has obviously been making way for something much bigger and better then almond syrup and breakfast sandwiches, something that will revolutionize the coffee world:

The "Coffee Lid Sip Hole Plug Stopper Starbucks Lid" (or C.L.S.H.P.S.S.L. for… um… short).

This ultra clever little mass produced piece of plastic is designed to plug the tiny little two centimeter hole that you’re SUPPOSED to drink your coffee from.

Well it’s about time Starbucks! I can’t tell you how many shirts I’ve ruined taking my coffee on the wild roller coaster rides at King’s Dominion. I also remember my trip to California when that 8.6 on the Richter scale hit and my coffee shot out of that hole, badly burning my left eye. Then there’s the case of my occasional sudden epileptic ticks—fortunately those won’t be such a perilous coffee situation anymore, and it’s all thanks to the thoughtful people at Starbucks.

Starbucks stir stickI know some haters out there might point out a certain conundrum involved with the logic of this little piece of plastic. For instance, those who are SO on the go that they can’t drink coffee out of a two centimeter hole without spilling it probably aren’t then in the position to remove a little piece of plastic from the hole in order to take a sip. But honestly, does anyone really adhere to that ten and two rule of driving anymore? Personally, I use a Zen lotus position to reduce the possibility of road rage. This makes it possible for me to steer with my knees while I hold my cell phone with my right foot and text with my left foot. My left hand holds my coffee while my right hand is free to replace the C.L.S.H.P.S.S.L. in between sips so I don’t accidentally burn myself.

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All I can say is thank god for cruise control… otherwise I might actually have to sit down somewhere stable to drink my hot coffee. I am totally looking forward to getting one of those Borg-like Bluetooth headsets for my cell phone… that way I can use my right foot for the brake pedal in the future, resulting in an overall lower stress level while driving.

Spills Brothers coffee
Looks like somebody’s going to have an even harder time weathering the recession now.
Yes, yes, I can already hear all the whiny bleeding heart hippies out there complaining about millions of non-biodegradable pieces of plastic that will undoubtedly remain on Earth for thousands of years, but seriously, they’re GREEN—I’m sure no one will ever even notice them. Plus, if you’re SO interested in "Reduce/Reuse/Recycle" then you could always save it and carry it around in your pocket for your next Starbucks adventure.

Oh and for the men out there, in case you were wondering, don’t worry, a punctured scrotum doesn’t make you sterile, it just helps you lose a little water weight.

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