Lately I’ve been griping about how men today are more and more becoming a bunch of douchebags. I rant and rave about how stupid you look wearing pink, how frosted tips are the forewarning to getting drilled in the ass, and so on and so forth. Finally I thought, "Damn, I am one pessimistic grouchy fuck." So today, I won’t complain about what I see wrong with men today, but what real men do, and why.

1. We crap.

Yup…I said it. We crap, and crap often. Generally we tend to do it early in the morning…about five minutes after we show up to work. And before the day is over, we probably do it at least 2-3 more times. And we’re not just doing some sit down drive-by, we take our damn time. If reading Gone with the Wind wasn’t gay we could probably finish it in one day’s worth of weight loss.

If we enjoy each other’s company, strictly in a heterosexual way, we make fun of each other.Now most women wonder, "What the hell are you doing in there so long?" I’ll tell ya what, we’re thinking, reading, expanding our knowledge of cars, guns and other manly sorts. It’s our office, our sanctuary, our think tank. Where is the one place where no one will bother ya, where no one will intrude? That’s right, "the john." Hell, sometimes we don’t even have to go, we just want to get away from talks about wallpaper, or how we drink too much, or how we’re always just sitting on the couch. Sometimes it’s just nice to be alone and half naked.

2. We scratch things… usually our balls.

Man scratching his balls on the beach
Real men have no regard for "timing."
Simply put, if it itches, it needs scratching. Have you ever had an itch on your head or forearm? Well, what’s so different about nuts? They itch; it’s what they do. And when we’re done, we like to share the experience. "Hey honey, what does this smell like?" Yeah…we’ll be on the couch for a few nights, but damn it was funny.

3. We belch.

What do you expect us to do with all that beer? It’s got to go somewhere. No, we probably didn’t do that so much when we were dating, but you’re stuck with me now…and you love me for who I am, not what I am. And hell, some words just sound better when burped.

4. We break, throw, or punch things when angry.

Yeah, it might not be the smartest thing in the world, but damn it feels good. And the angrier we are the more expensive the victim is. For example, recently my garage door and I got in a heated argument. Apparently we didn’t see eye to eye on what it was supposed to do. To correct this I figured I would punch the opener on the wall. But I’m no idiot, if I punched it then it would never work…so I punched the wall. Coincidentally, one of my many gifts is being a human stud finder. Yeah, it hurt like hell, and now I have to fix the wall, but I wasn’t upset at the garage door anymore. Garage door, zero; Marty, one! Booyah.

5. We self-medicate.

Beer ad for Thirsty's beer and liquor
What a real man’s doctor prescription looks like.
Bad headache? Two beers. Food poisoning? Whiskey. Cut that won’t stop bleeding? Paper towel and electrical tape. Cut with exposed bone? Two paper towels and duct tape. Severed limb? Four to six paper towels, duct tape, three beers…it will most likely grow back. Depression? Lots of beer. Alcoholism? One less beer then usual. Migraine? Couple beers, break something, yell curse words, take a crap.

SEE ALSO:  Jesus and the Vaginal Waterfall

6. We fix things.

Sometimes. If it can be fixed, then it will be, but on occasion it just can’t be fixed. Which is a reward in and of itself, because then you get to break it even further. "Why is the lawnmower on fire? …Well, it wouldn’t start." "Yes honey, it had gas in it" …Okay, upon further inspection, "No it did not have gas in it…but that’s beside the point, it was old." "I know, but it was last year’s model…the new one has cup holders." "Do you want me to cut the damn grass or not? …Okay then, I will need beer, therefore, I will need a cup holder." "No, I cannot just hold it while I mow…that’s dangerous."

7. We make fun of our friends.

If we associate with each other and we enjoy each other’s company, strictly in a heterosexual way, we make fun of each other. If we are not making fun of you, then we probably have assumed you’re queer. The last thing we need to do is offend you and have all your fairy friends picketing in our front lawn. If we are making fun of you and you’re offended, our mistake, we were confused. You owe us a 12-pack and let’s just go our own ways.

8. We do our part to be environmentally friendly.

For example, I wash my clothes once a month, ‘cause I don’t want to waste all that water. A wise man once told me, "If you throw your clothes at the wall and they don’t stick to it, they don’t need to be cleaned." Makes sense to me.

9. We find any excuse we can to pee outside.

Man peeing outside with a baby copying him
Real man training.
It’s fun. An ant hill just became a potential target in the war against backyard terrorism. That tree over there looks thirsty. That dead area of grass over there, yep, I did that. I’m drunk…and the bathroom is just too damn far. And ladies, you’d do it too if you were properly equipped.

10. We make fun of things we don’t understand.

Like the French, or herbal tea. What’s wrong with sweet tea? Herbal tea makes you lose weight? …So does crapping. Smart Cars? I don’t get it, therefore it must be gay. Hell, it barely broke 90 this July, the environment can’t be in too bad a shape. Stupid Smart Cars. I bet your Smart Car can’t drive down a logger’s trail without getting stuck…not so smart now. Damn right my Jeep can scale a 90-degree brick wall. You only fill up once a month…get the fuck outta here. It’s still gay looking.

Author’s Disclaimer:

Men, if you read this and agree, welcome to man country. Damn right you’re a man. I bet you eat sawdust and piss motor oil. Good to have you on our side. If you read this and think, "Oh this guy is gross," well, looks like we lost another one.

Ladies, I hope this explains why we are the way we are. It’s just in our blood. If your man does not do these things you may want to sit down and talk, don’t worry, I’m sure he’s a good listener…he might even have some pointers on this season’s newest looks. Congrats! You just got yourself a shopping date!