10 Things Real Men Do

We crap, scratch our balls, belch, and punch things when we're angry.

Man sitting on the toilet crapping

Lately I've been griping about how men today are more and more becoming a bunch of douchebags. I rant and rave about how stupid you look wearing pink, how frosted tips are the forewarning to getting drilled in the ass, and so on and so forth. Finally I thought, "Damn, I am one pessimistic grouchy fuck." So today, I won't complain about what I see wrong with men today, but what real men do, and why.

1. We crap.

Yup...I said it. We crap, and crap often. Generally we tend to do it early in the morning...about five minutes after we show up to work. And before the day is over, we probably do it at least 2-3 more times. And we're not just doing some sit down drive-by, we take our damn time. If reading Gone with the Wind wasn't gay we could probably finish it in one day's worth of weight loss.

If we enjoy each other's company, strictly in a heterosexual way, we make fun of each other.Now most women wonder, "What the hell are you doing in there so long?" I'll tell ya what, we're thinking, reading, expanding our knowledge of cars, guns and other manly sorts. It's our office, our sanctuary, our think tank. Where is the one place where no one will bother ya, where no one will intrude? That's right, "the john." Hell, sometimes we don't even have to go, we just want to get away from talks about wallpaper, or how we drink too much, or how we're always just sitting on the couch. Sometimes it's just nice to be alone and half naked.

2. We scratch things... usually our balls.

Man scratching his balls on the beach
Real men have no regard for "timing."
Simply put, if it itches, it needs scratching. Have you ever had an itch on your head or forearm? Well, what's so different about nuts? They itch; it's what they do. And when we're done, we like to share the experience. "Hey honey, what does this smell like?" Yeah...we'll be on the couch for a few nights, but damn it was funny.

3. We belch.

What do you expect us to do with all that beer? It's got to go somewhere. No, we probably didn't do that so much when we were dating, but you're stuck with me now...and you love me for who I am, not what I am. And hell, some words just sound better when burped.

4. We break, throw, or punch things when angry.

Yeah, it might not be the smartest thing in the world, but damn it feels good. And the angrier we are the more expensive the victim is. For example, recently my garage door and I got in a heated argument. Apparently we didn't see eye to eye on what it was supposed to do. To correct this I figured I would punch the opener on the wall. But I'm no idiot, if I punched it then it would never work...so I punched the wall. Coincidentally, one of my many gifts is being a human stud finder. Yeah, it hurt like hell, and now I have to fix the wall, but I wasn't upset at the garage door anymore. Garage door, zero; Marty, one! Booyah.

5. We self-medicate.

Beer ad for Thirsty's beer and liquor
What a real man's doctor prescription looks like.
Bad headache? Two beers. Food poisoning? Whiskey. Cut that won't stop bleeding? Paper towel and electrical tape. Cut with exposed bone? Two paper towels and duct tape. Severed limb? Four to six paper towels, duct tape, three beers...it will most likely grow back. Depression? Lots of beer. Alcoholism? One less beer then usual. Migraine? Couple beers, break something, yell curse words, take a crap.

6. We fix things.

Sometimes. If it can be fixed, then it will be, but on occasion it just can't be fixed. Which is a reward in and of itself, because then you get to break it even further. "Why is the lawnmower on fire? ...Well, it wouldn't start." "Yes honey, it had gas in it" ...Okay, upon further inspection, "No it did not have gas in it...but that's beside the point, it was old." "I know, but it was last year's model...the new one has cup holders." "Do you want me to cut the damn grass or not? ...Okay then, I will need beer, therefore, I will need a cup holder." "No, I cannot just hold it while I mow...that's dangerous."

7. We make fun of our friends.

If we associate with each other and we enjoy each other's company, strictly in a heterosexual way, we make fun of each other. If we are not making fun of you, then we probably have assumed you're queer. The last thing we need to do is offend you and have all your fairy friends picketing in our front lawn. If we are making fun of you and you're offended, our mistake, we were confused. You owe us a 12-pack and let's just go our own ways.

8. We do our part to be environmentally friendly.

For example, I wash my clothes once a month, ‘cause I don't want to waste all that water. A wise man once told me, "If you throw your clothes at the wall and they don't stick to it, they don't need to be cleaned." Makes sense to me.

9. We find any excuse we can to pee outside.

Man peeing outside with a baby copying him
Real man training.
It's fun. An ant hill just became a potential target in the war against backyard terrorism. That tree over there looks thirsty. That dead area of grass over there, yep, I did that. I'm drunk...and the bathroom is just too damn far. And ladies, you'd do it too if you were properly equipped.

10. We make fun of things we don't understand.

Like the French, or herbal tea. What's wrong with sweet tea? Herbal tea makes you lose weight? ...So does crapping. Smart Cars? I don't get it, therefore it must be gay. Hell, it barely broke 90 this July, the environment can't be in too bad a shape. Stupid Smart Cars. I bet your Smart Car can't drive down a logger's trail without getting stuck...not so smart now. Damn right my Jeep can scale a 90-degree brick wall. You only fill up once a month...get the fuck outta here. It's still gay looking.

Author's Disclaimer:

Men, if you read this and agree, welcome to man country. Damn right you're a man. I bet you eat sawdust and piss motor oil. Good to have you on our side. If you read this and think, "Oh this guy is gross," well, looks like we lost another one.

Ladies, I hope this explains why we are the way we are. It's just in our blood. If your man does not do these things you may want to sit down and talk, don't worry, I'm sure he's a good listener...he might even have some pointers on this season's newest looks. Congrats! You just got yourself a shopping date!

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Lol AWESOME! true true double true, im at work now, gonna go take another crap.

Grasshopper's picture

All so true, and its good to know the toilet habits are not just mine as well. Seriously, God invented fences for a reason, to piss on

Ace Dixon's picture

Eisenhower designed the Normandy Invasion while on the toilet.

Welp, I just took a gigantic shit and am currently scratching my balls as I type....so...

This makes men look unintelligent. Stop propagating this shit or women will take over the work place too.

It says nothing about intelligence. You can be the world's greatest scientist and still pee on the fence. Seriously, if you're a man, you've done this stuff. You know you have, quit pretending otherwise.

Jason Fry's picture

You would think that, considering you are most likely a butt hurt pussy. It doesn't matter how smart you are. I have a degree and I do all of these things. There isn't anything wrong with embracing what all men do. And if a man doesn't, he has no balls. enough said.

^^^^^ looks like we lost another one

Evelyn Liu's picture

Thought this was hilarious. I've ALWAYS wanted to piss on a fence/anthill/something outdoors. :( Never had the chance, what with being ill-equipped and all. Either way, this was delicious.

Some of these things are true, like the awesomeness of peeing outside, scratching your balls and talking about taking a dump. Uncontrollable anger though is the opposite of manliness. And making fun of things you don't understand just shows stupidity, unless it's obviously a joke.

Martin Stanley's picture

...and what does taking everything literally show? Pure genius?


Fuck this was super homophobic. You're a douchebag.

"I bet you eat sawdust and piss motor oil. Good to have you on our side." That made me feel like a man.


This is either genius satire, or knuckledragging hack shit straight from bad 80's standup. Jury's still out.

Funny people frequently act like dicks (See: DeGraaf, Gaudio, Rebello, Frank), but being a dick doesn't automatically make you funny. It just makes you a dick.

Court Sullivan's picture

Damn son, that jury is hung like a jury.

This piece sucked. Needed a bit more revision.

Let's just hope you don't get yourself shot for being a "man traitor" for betraying your kind's "deepest secrets."

Sexist? Naw, I have two younger brothers, and this explains a LOT!

now everyone knows. Women, delete this out of your memories... as if that ever works without jewelery -__-

Here's to being a man! I think I'll fall my first tree in the morning in your honor. Then get some mud on my diesel truck.

Martin Stanley's picture

I like it. Glad to have you on our side, brother. Now go drive your diesel with it's beautiful plume of black smoke. God would want it that way.

Awesome stuff and so true. 2 months ago while camping I sliced open my leg. I grabbed some paper towels and electrical tape from my car and was good to go.

Martin Stanley's picture

Excellent story. Did it require stitches, staples or Budweiser?

Jason Fry's picture

Ha. I slashed my hand open on glass and I kept working while bleeding. Fuck paper towels.

For future reference, superglue is great for sealing cuts. Stings like hell but it's super quick and low fuss.

so true this must be in our manly blood

Gordon Dryfus's picture

This reminds me of A History of Violence. It's either the worst article I've ever read or one of the best. Only, I don't know because I've been doing one of the other things men do.

Commenting on something I don't really understand because I'm watching football. Like the last time your wife tricked you into agreeing to go to Bed Bath and Beyond because you were busy systematically calculating whether or not John Madden was actually a moron.

Having to go to Bed Bath and Beyond should be listed as a form of torture.

Kathryn Roitz's picture

...I love bed bath and beyond.... =(

umm the bitch who wrote this piece of shit is fcking ugly .

hey you limp dick nuggets!!! this thing will make you a sexual t-rex , just like me....... ha ha ha , now who wants to kill me..