10 Things a Man Should Never, Ever Do

If you are a man over 16, these rules apply to you.

Ken doll with a surprised expression

1. Do not pop your collar.

Unless you can prove that you are indeed Dracula's metrosexual grandson, do not pop your collar. If you truly think that you look any better with your collar hugging your hairline, you are wrong. If you are reading this and your collar is popped, then let me tell you, pansies like you disgrace real men. If you just need to feel that your neck is protected, I'm sure there is someone who can easily arrange for you to be issued a neck brace.

2. Crocs: don't wear them.

If you are old enough to drive, then you are old enough to not look like a jackass. What are you, a professional paddle boat captain? Wear tennis shoes or sandals—that foot condom with holes makes you look ridiculous, especially if you are clearly nowhere near water.

3. Do not go to a tanning bed.

Man in a tanning bed
The only things you should get baked by are the sun and weed.
I don't care if you are getting married in Hawaii and Casper the Friendly Fucking Ghost calls you whitey—don't do it. You are probably the same tool that oils your skin after you shower.

4. Don't put anything of any kind in your beer.

It is perfect the way it is. Beer does not need fruit. The only exclusion is Mexican beer with a lime. This is only to be done while eating Mexican food. If you are at a party munching on a cheese plate with a damn lime in your beer, you really do look like an idiot. Beer does not require salt, or fruit, or anything else. The only thing beer might possibly need is more beer.

5. Men should have only two hair styles: just out of the shower and just woke up.

Man with two hair styles, just woke up and after a shower
Sometimes it's hard to tell which of your two acceptable hair styles is which, and that's OK.
If you frost your tips I'd like to personally invite you to my backyard, where I can proceed to club you like a baby seal. The only gelatinous thing a man should have in contact with his body is jelly, on a peanut butter sandwich... that is to be consumed before a heavy night of drinking, ball scratching, and cat calling... while wearing a baseball cap, because your absurd bed hair is easily fixed by a hat.

6. Do not pierce your body parts.

(This excludes circus freaks and those masochistic contortionists on Nat Geo....y'all are just plain weird.) Your ears do not need extra holes in them, and your tongue does not need a piercing either. Don't tell me how your girlfriend likes it, ‘cause we all know your girlfriend's name is Jake. Don't pierce your nipples—that is strange beyond the description of words.

7. Never refer to any color as a fruit.

I don't care if you're trying to describe the color of the skin on the peach you're eating. Refer to it as a very light orange color. Or say, "If the colors orange and white were to get drunk and screw, this is the color it would make...we'll call it ‘whorange.'"

8. Do not use smiley faces in your email, texts, blogs, whatever the hell's.

Kissing smiley faceJust type it out. Instead of a smiley face, write "hell yea." Instead of a frowning face, write "man, fuck this." Instead of a love face, write "I wanna dry hump the shit out of you."

9. Don't order off the diet menu.

If you are watching your weight, that's just fine... if your doctor tells you that you have to eat better, get a second opinion. But just don't order off the diet menu. Order from the regular menu, and then eat half of it. Look at me, I don't order off the diet menu... I can't see my feet, but I've been told they're ugly, so it works out perfectly. There is nothing that makes you look more like a wuss then sitting at Chili's saying, "Oh, I'll have the turkey burger. ...What's that? Oh, I'm just trying to maintain my figure."

10. Last, and quite possibly most importantly, never wear pink clothing.

Guy in a pink shirt that matches his girlfriend's purse
Matching your girlfriend's accessories: possibly the most emasculating (non-sexual) thing a man can do.
 This should go without explanation, but apparently explanation is required. Let's start on the day you were born: you wore blue. As a newborn, pink is reserved for women, so why the hell not keep it that way. And don't give me this "it compliments my skin" shit. How about a bruise? That would look good too. Have you ever seen a military force with pink in their uniforms? No, you have not. Why not? Because it's just plain queer. Barbie wears pink, Ken does not. Why not? Because Ken's tappin' that ass, and Barbie doesn't want some tool driving her ‘Vette. The only thing wearing pink says about you is, "My girlfriend dresses me. One day she might give me my nuts back, and then I will stop wearing this crap, but for now I will wear this pink polo, with my collar popped, while sporting these foolish peach-plaid shorts and Crocs. ...Oh what's that? I need more hair gel? Yeah, you're right, I just don't know that I'm gay yet." You pussy.

Author's Disclaimer:

If you are a female and are offended by any of this, I apologize. My intentions are only to make you laugh.

If you are a male and are offended by any of this, I sincerely ask that you piss off and quit being such a sensitive, whiny little pussy. Ever heard of the expression "take it like a man"? Now go bleach your boyfriend's hair.




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that was excellent

Keke DeVille's picture

You tickled me. :) Note on the disclaimer....If a chick get's offended by this they're probably dating one of the above douche hards.

My favorite is the piercings. A dude with a piercing (as in 1) is fine, but everything else is a no-no, especially tongue rings...which are afterall used to tickle dude's third legs so.......yeah. Don't do it guys. And don't do it anybody......

Things I would like to add are tribal tattoos, guy liner, skinny jeans, guys who debate with chicks instead of doing the manly thing and giving in and zoning out, guys who wear glitter and rhinestones on their clothes, guys who go to aerobics.....Icky.

I find it interesting that you would prefer your boyfriend disregard the things you say and ignore your opinions. I generally find it condescending and disrespectful when the people I talk to zone out and agree with me. But, then again, I suppose that maybe my fault lies in the fact that I assume that what I'm saying is actually of some merit and deserves to be taken into consideration. It's obviously not the same in your case, I suppose, which suggests to me that you should probably just stop talking then.

Martin Stanley's picture

You sound like a woman. If you are a man, I apologize for my misconception. If you are a woman, well, does your man know you are using the computer? Are you in one of those relationships where your man gives you privileges? The internet isn't for everyone, so be grateful for your opportunity.

See? I can understand that that is a joke. Blatant misogyny. Okay. Funny. I can see that. I was amused; but that list is not amusing. That list contains so many common sexist values that aren't funny because people really believe them. You can act as ridiculous as you want, but you're still perpetuating hateful and harmful gender roles. The fact that that doesn't bother you is what bothers me. And the girl's comment above is just as disturbing because she is choosing to dumb herself down and place herself below her male counterparts. I mean, if she wants to degrade herself, fine. But, marginalizing the opinions of women should not be expected of men.

Martin Stanley's picture

I'm not sure if you're a homosexual man, or a straight woman. Either way, stay off sites like this if you can't handle darker senses of humor. Stick to your Perez Hilton and other queer shit.

THANK YOU!! I totally agree

Trollolololololololololololol

I hate to nit-pick, but #7, how would you refer to the color of an orange (the fruit) without using the color of that fruit (orange)?

@ the above: this is what it looks like when red and yellow get into a fist fight.

Martin Stanley's picture

exactly. this is the same principle that gray is what it looks like when a nun falls down stairs.

just discovered this website, and i love it, but just to point out, i wear pink from time to time, mostly because it matches my lipstik (:D i know i shouldnt use smiley but hell) but us guys over the pond have nothing against pink and trust me, nor do girls, they actually quiet like it, especially when they take it off !

And who said, girls like gay....

The author seems a little insecure don't ya think?

Martin Stanley's picture

Insecure, you don't even know the half of it, buddy. The author of this is sooo insecure he wears flannel shirts, denim jeans and carries an axe everywhere with him just to prove his manliness. Hell, most people don't know if he's a Goddamned lumberjack or a the fucking spokesman for Brawny Paper Towels. ¦) (Vietnamese Smiley Face)

Agreed.

It looks to me like nowadays rather than do the whole lumberjack thing (which you do seem to be doing) men like to puke loads about how other men are pussies, yell at them, and point out the most blatant stereotypes so they can avoid them and put themselves above everyone else. Usually they're shallow and don't get laid any more than the next maniac and if they do it's not because of their out dated machismo.

i am indeed, i ve been pushed around a little too much during service and i got pink shell shock from it
and its not ya i think its spelt you, but hey its not like i m the one who speaks english here

Marc, your grammar and spelling is pretty poor for having the gall to correct a simple colloquialism. It is a huge run on sentence and is it not "spelled"? I swore I would never get into one of these internet grammar/spelling arguments yet here I am. It was a little too easy though.

This would be funnier if it weren't so homophobic.

Thats exactly why it was funny

I know a welder whos built like a bear, has a temper cuz he saw his dad get shot by the cops when he was 7, and did time cuz he caved a guys skull in w 1 punch. his favorite color is pink and he wears it all the time. I'm not gonna tell him he looks gay.

Martin Stanley's picture

I would definitely recommend you NOT tell him he looks gay. However; I would suggest to him that he no longer dress like a pussy.

Real men wear pink

YES

Is that what your girlfriend told when she took your balls?

What ever you have to come up with to justify it....good for you

Erm, I wouldnt fully agree on all those. There's no boundaries or what you need to do to be a man or not. The media and personal preference just influence how a guy or girl to dress or act like. *yawn*

I love erriel scott

unless a man to the poster becomes one at 40 i dissagree with a few things on the list but the ones i do agree with i agree with 100%

Popped collars are OK. Regardless what you say.
There are rules though..

A popped collar (your shirt must be at least 100 euro/150USdollars, and your outfit at least three times that) just say I am better than you, bigtime, eat this!
If your wearing any cheaper shirt, do not pop it.. it will just underline your a wanna be without the money or succes or the brains.

Wearing gel is ok, having a neat done haircut, showed even more that your SUCCESFULL and no loser, better yet find some fancy looking young female barber who regulairly visits your home to do your hair.

Wearing Pink is ok, IF you are very musculair and manly. If you are strong wearing pink says, EH I don;t give a fuck! And it becomse THE statement of manhood, if your fat of wimp, or just not dominant/populair enough.. THAN by all means do not go with pink.. only REAL man can wear pink and get away with it without looking fag.

About the beer, do not drink it.. while your friends sip cheap bear, you only drink espensive imported liquors, or even better have something that "can only be bought overseas but my "list any relative" got some for me. If you still absolutely positively MUST drink beer, make sure it is belgium import with no less than 9% alcohol.

It is absolutely fine to order of the diet menu, if you feel so, your the man, you order what the fuck you want and don't care shit what others think! and they better bring it fast! This same counts for your refering to colours.. lime-green, peach-orange, velvet-blue etc.. it is all perfectly fine.. you need to know when and how to use it though but when used right again it shows class.

About the solar bank and the piercings I have to agree, big nono... they say loudly LOWCLASS.. and you don't want that.. You better tan on that private beach that friend of your uncle owns!

Crocks... indeed unless your a male nurse.. don't! Buy some good leather sandals.. while on the beach, and wear normal shoes or sneakers when intown.

Now about the smiles, thats a hard part, and the solution is this you DO use smiles.. but you make sure that all YOUR smiles are unique do NOT use the regulair smiles but customise your forum, messenger or anything. Do not use to many of them though... about 1 smile for every 10 posts is more than enough.

Mike Lamb's picture

I know it was just a typo, but "sip cheap bear" is the manliest thing I've ever heard in my life. The only thing more awesome than that would be "rape slutty shark".

This is probably the most fucking retarded post ever. Probably by some redneck, queer beating, kkk advocate doucher who thinks people shouldn't be themselves. If people like doing these things, why the fuck should you tell them it's bad? It's who they are, so go back to your trailer park and beat your wife some more you tool.

Martin Stanley's picture

I appreciate your kind words. However, I do believe people should be themselves. But the rest of that was spot on. Bravo.....bravo you warrior of the keyboard....bravo!

Haha, this was pretty funny. And as a man, I wasn't offended at all, but I did have one problem with number 10.
In the German Army during WWII, the Panzer Division of tanks used pink in their flag, and even though the Panzer wasn't the most bad ass tank of the war, they were still pretty bad ass. At least bad ass enough to get away with pink on their flag.

I'm a woman, and this did not offend me at all, quite the opposite actually. I found it extremely hilarious, and could not control my laughter for quite some time. Thank you, very much, you made my day.

I found this hilarious!
Hilariously homophobic and sexist.

This has got to be one of the most ignorant and homophobic things I have ever read. I bet you sat this thinking you're macho. It really is pathetic that you think we should all conform to social norms.

You are a disgrace to all people.

Your a disgrace to all men. And if your a woman then go back to the kitchen.

Its not a social norm. Be who you a, be a man !! Thats all

the last one was obviously the best. i couldn't stop laughing after that

tough guys wear pink! just like my shirt says.. :p

If this offended you then you are not a man. And if you are a woman then what are you doing out of the kitchen?

Hilarious! Dude, I hate feminine guys too because being there is nothing weaker or lamer than being feminine. (Get it, because girls are weak? Haha.) Like, I said, hilarious! I love seeing that someone out here is still rigidly defining what is to be a man. And thank god, you realize it's not so much anything important like character or morals, but, rather, not looking like pussy. So, sir, I commend thee. Please, keep reinforcing those good, ol' classic gender roles with your delicious misogyny and homophobia because it is forward-thinking people like you that we need in society during these trying times.

Martin Stanley's picture

Thank you for your kind words. It is tough at times, being the voice of a generation. But I will always be here to serve my people. For I am a man of the people.

I'm a girl, and I thought this was fucking hilarious. Honestly almost had me in tears. Men commenting this ranting on about the author being insecure or whateverthefuck, get a grip and realize that it was humorous, my god.

Definitely enjoyed reading this! ♥

you're a giant fucking fag. Maybe the whole world should all be like you (i.e some douche bag who goes on line and tells people how to live your life). Kill yourself...but don't leave a note, because you'd probably tell the coroner how to live his life in it too...and like me, he probably doesn't care what you think

Mike Lamb's picture

Who are you to tell him how to tell you how to live your life?

This is so damn funny!!!!!!!! Love the conversation after the article!!!

Martin Stanley's picture

My thoughts exactly!

Orange is a fruit...

lol truue

Earings on man is gay as fuck !!

nothing personal but just to wake you up, heaps of guys tend to wear lighter colors (including pink) for quite a long time now not because they're gay and not because of their girtlfriend. they just wear it because they want to, and fyi lighter colors actually makes you look younger.
what do you mean about the smiley faces? they exist for you to use it you wuss, if you think smiley faces are for gays or girls then you must've been purposely dropped when you were born.
the color thing just doesn't make sense.. we try to keep our conversation simple by using the most similar object to describe, so using fruit to describe is bad for you, then what about talking about fruit itself?

Mike Lamb's picture

:) "Let he who doth not believeth in me, or who believeth I am for gays and girls, be dropped purposely and with malicious intent headfirst onto the floor during infancy. I exist for you to use." --Smiley.

The one that cracks me up is the picture!! KEN!! epic!!
The content... well as long you (men or women) have A LOT OF money, I have no problem if you want to be a mother fucking bastard.

I can tell this list was made from the opinions of ONE person. Most people look better with a tan, what does it matter how they get it?

and #9, are you hating on food now? please explain to me how a man's masculinity is in any way connected to what he eats.

Thanks for the laughs. This list was really quite amusing.

If you're a guy and you get offended, as my sister would say, you have too many feelings. This list is kind of a joke. Don't take everything as a personal attack.

Very amusing!! At first i took it seriously and was kind of confused, but then realized otherwise. :)

Some points are so incredibly true, just excellent!
Actually there are soldiers who wear some pink parts in/on their uniforms.
German Tank-Troops wear pink badges, loops, etc. as part of their regular uniforms.
Based on the tradition that you can recognize the armybranch by the color of the insignia, loops, etc.
F.e. pink=tanks, green=infantry, black=engineer, red=artillery, etc..
The reason they just choose pink for the track-manoeuvred-50-tons-guys is a 75 year old mystery...

The reason they just choose pink for the track-manoeuvred-50-tons-guys is a 75 year old mystery...

LOVE this.... soooo true....

Martin Stanley, how's the virgin life?

Not too bad, how's the HIV life?

Hahaha, this is so funny!
Theres some douchebag with a goatee and a frikin baseball cap, thinkin hes hot shit because women dont have rights...pathetic. When was the last time he got laid (new term for sex, idk if you know that, you seem a bit of old school...and a douche). Go read something and educate yourself ya redneck.

..Since when is orange not a fruit?

dude, real men are one thing only: they don't give a fuck what others think and respect women. That's it. Nothing more. Although I do agree with some of these.

I meant, real men DO respect women.

Tell me something author, have you EVER gotten laid? I mean REALLY? Furthermore, a guy I know proudly wears his pink shirt. If anyone mocks him for it, he informs them that it is a BREAST-CANCER shirt and he is saving boobies. Do YOU want to see boobies die???

Don't wear pink? Whoever wrote this is a queer.

This list and the author is dumb as shit.

well you can be manly , but that doesn't mea that you aren't fucking hideous . Your face is made for licking dried up semen out of a monk's ass

MUY CIERTO, DEJENSE DE JOTADAS.

THIS IS LITERALLY THE SHITTIEST LIST

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO CALL ORANGE FROM NOW ON, VIBRANT BURNT SIENA?

ALSO SALADS CURE MANTITS

I'm not agree with the pink clothing issue. Pink's not only reserve for women. In 19th century pink was for boys and blue for woman. It's just a color, if you feel like for wearing that you're already a faggot, then you probably are.

This was written by a bigot.